Monday 30 March 2009

Back to my old habits....of being lax in writing this blog...

I haven't been my word around writing my blog and I could hide behind all the work I am doing for this college course but that would be a lie. The truth is that I could have written if I hadn't chosen to eat instead of write. Everytime it is the same and I make the same disempowering choice. I arrive in London and know that I have limited time before starting whatever it is I am up in London to do. I have a moment of truth where the thought 'food, or blog' comes into my head and I'm ashamed to say that most of the time I opt for food. The cost of this is that no blog gets written and the longer it goes on the harder it is for me to come back and write it again.

And yet it should have been easy to write it on Friday evening because I was on a high. Early in the morning we had our news writing class. The class had begun with the tutor singling out a couple of peoples' work as being what we should all aspire to. I am finding some of the people on the course quite a challenge. However, I know that I wouldn't see these challenging traits in these people if they weren't also in me. This is the way it goes. We can only recognise something in another because we also have it but don't want to look at it, therefore we project it to others. So I am recognising this challenge and am working on it. It was the work of one of the people that challenge me that was singled out as being 'very good'. I could almost feel the bile of jealousy welling up from the back of my throat. This is just horrifying for me who has spent many years thinking I am the next St Teresa. Nice spiritual people don't have these awful feelings they are ascended and transcended and I plainly am not. But I recognise this and am not cocooning myself in some spiritual bubble because of a few powerful experiences I have had. I am far from enlightened but am 100% committed to achieving that state of mind which I firmly believe is possible if I want it badly enough and am willing to do everything that it's going to take to get it.

I recognised the feeling of jealousy and acknowledged it like I was a witness, I know that it comes from me but it is not me. To acknowledge something and allow it to be is to transform it. I feel so grateful that I have enough self-awareness to see all of this dynamic and not react. For me, it is like weeding a garden. Each time I recognise a thought or feeling which doesn't empower me given who I say I am and I give it up, then that weed is gone out of the garden. It will come back because weeds always do which is why there is such a need for continuous vigilance on the spiritual path.

Anyway, I got over that and the tutor moved on to speaking generally about news writing and how to be an effective news writer. He said that news writing is much easier when the person can write. He then looked at me and in front of everyone said 'Margaret, you're a good writer, I really like the way you write'. I was stunned and couldn't believe what I had just heard. I've had it for a lot of this course that being a good journalist is different to being a good writer and now I was told that his perception of me being a good writer will make it easier for me to learn how to write news pieces more effectively. I was on such a high. Everything and everyone in the room looked different, brighter, sharper. I had a fleeting memory of the years I spent working listening to others being told they were good at their job and wistfully wondering whether I would ever be given such an accolade and there it was 'I am a good writer'. Yippee..di.do day....

I went to my team meeting and then to stay with my best friend in London who I have known since childhood. It is funny when you go and stay in the home of someone you have known for many years but the longest time you've ever spent with them has been the length of going for a drink or a meal. To actually stay and be a part of a home for a weekend was a truly delightful experience. His warmth and kindness in the face of not being well moved me so deeply. I saw the beauty of what he has created in his home and his commitment to me as a lifelong childhood friend. People for me fall into one of two categories, those that move me and those that teach me, this friend does both and I feel so lucky to have such a long lasting and rewarding relationship with him. I want to acknowlege that before moving on....

Today was the start of another week and we were all instructed to prepare a 10 minute presentation on a magazine. It will form part of the assessed work for the course. I don't know where the time went last week or more honestly what I did with the time but last night come 11pm I didn't have a presentation. This morning at 7am, I did.....well not so much a presentation as a collection of A4 sheets with some bullet points. I transferred all onto a USB stick having fought with powerpoint and the internet to get the necessary information and trundled into college. I didn't want to speak to anyone because I had a sinking feeling that there was going to be some powerful presentations and mine wasn't going to be one. My excuse or reason is that I have never used powerpoint and given my natural intuitive grasp of all things computer I had it that I just didn't have the time.

The first presentation started...aagh...what kind of things was this person able to do with the computer, it was amazing so professional and well thought out and researched. And so the agony continued, as one by one the works of art were presented. With every presentation my heart sank deeper into my shoes. Suddenly to my amazement I found my feet taking themselves out of the room a few minutes before I was due to present my creation. I wanted to be anywhere but in that room. By leaving I think I hoped that the lecturer would move onto the next person on the list and then I would be at the end where I wouldn't have to sit for too long enduring humiliation. To my horror I walked back into a room where everyone was waiting in silence FOR ME!....aagh..this is my worst nightmare. I fumbled around trying to find the hole for the USB stick....doesn't get much more basic than that. Some poor soul took pity on me and came to my rescue when blind panic meant I was in danger of losing my vision of USB stick, computer, room and everything.

I did it and got through it. I have no idea how because I sat down and had no memory of anything. Waking down the stairs afterwards I was so touched when one of the guys told me that he had got more from mine because it was so short than some. I looked at him with so much gratitude. Even if it wasn't true, it was good to hear....balm to my turbulent mind......

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