Sunday, 22 March 2009

Very unsettled....since my insight on Saturday

I've been reeling since Saturday. Sometimes I get so tired of this continuous battle between my identity and possibility. The identity goes to unblievable lengths not to transform. I can't believe that I have gone almost 2 years trying to work with an incorrect point of view. All of the frustration I have felt when I've been stopped and my coach has asked me to re-present my point of view and I felt nothing when I did. I didn't feel anything because it wasn't the point of view I had sentenced myself to when I was a young child. The purpose of getting in touch with the point of view when I was being stopped is because it is only our point of view that stops us from being powerful in every area of life. My identity knew it was safe while I had my point of view being 'I'm not loved, I'm alone' because it wasn't the one. On Saturday I got what was really going on and really I should have been able to spot it myself by the efforts I have always made to belong wherever I went. I turned myself into a chameleon in order to belong and sink into the background of acceptance and it never happened. I denied my power to myself and others and yet I knew my own power and I'm sure that others see it also. It was so inauthentic not to be this power and to sell out on it to be included, when I was never going to be included anyway.

I saw myself in the interview I did with the monk, in that although he tried to put himself down and disparage himself I could see just how powerful he was. I have been behaving in exactly the same way and only because I have wanted to be included. To finally see this means that I can be proud of my power and present myself as powerful without thinking that it's going to stop me from being included. I created all of the experiences I have of being excluded, or more specifically my point of view created this for its own survival. I had a concrete example of this on Saturday. Early Saturday morning I sent a text to my coach with a request. I didn't hear anything back from her. When I met her later that morning, I believed that she was different towards me, she seemed to be more impatient and I immediately thought 'she wants to say 'no' and doesn't know how to tell me. We were talking and then she said 'I left my mobile phone at home and I've been here in the office all morning'. I couldn't believe it, l looked at her open-mouthed. I created that she was different towards me and it was because of the text and she hadn't even seen it. I shared this with her and she laughed and said 'see what your identity does and when it does that, you lose your power and make all kinds of assumptions that are not true. It was a tough lesson. Tough lessons seem to be what is around at the moment.

Even though I've had this huge insight I've been really unsettled. The Vortex healing has stirred such a lot of things. I never used to feel jealous of anyone and yet there is someone in college I feel so jealous of. This person is bringing me face to face with feelings that I thought I was too spiritual to have...yeah right....sometimes I really wonder about my self-declaration that this is a blog about spiritual development. This is just my assertion, a finger didn't come down from the clouds point at me and say 'it's you'. It's something I decided, on the strength of a powerful experience I had on a meditation retreat which shifted my understanding of spiritual writings and readings and also convinced me of the truth of spiritual development and that it comprises of 3 stages - Know thyself, know THE SELF and know THE ONE. This blog is mainly about the first stage and the tension and battle that the identity engages in not to transform. I have flashes of stages 2 and 3 but in all honesty most of my consciousness is taking up with trying to achieve stage 1. Just having a will to complete stage 1 is not enough, action is needed. Mostly actions that put ourselves at risk and have no element of looking good. If I was writing this blog to look good and not to be authentic I wouldn't be true to what I have said is its purpose. But oftentimes it's not easy to write because I want to write that I have all the answers, that I have got at everything that is hidden from my view but I can't so I don't but it doesn't make it any easier to write. comes down to a mind of faith......that can't be approved or disproved to anyone.

I went for a walk on the beach, I can't run because I have blisters on my feet but the walk was so beautiful. Once again there was a brilliant sunset which reflected mystically on the sea. As I was walking I remembered the words of the monk that with a mind of faith or a spiritual mind....the ordinary becomes extraordinary and magical.......

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