Monday, 23 March 2009

College was no different today.....I was..

I woke up this morning feeling so relaxed and happy. Got myself showered and dressed and ready for college. I have such deep relief that it's hard to write and yet I'm not entirely sure what I am so relieved about. I arrived into college and saw it like it was for the first time. I felt so connected to everything and everyone. Our first class was shorthand and I chatted away to the shorthand lecturer and it was just so great. I saw everyone differently. I wasn't viewing everyone and everything from the point of view of 'I'm not included, I'm alone' and what a difference that made. College was the same, the people on my course are just the same but my context has shifted and this has brought about a different world and reality for me.

At lunch one girl commented on how happy I looked and then I ended up sharing everything that I had seen from Saturday. I noticed how passionate without sounding heavy and intense I was and for the first time I realised the power of passion without zealousness. There was so much passion in me when I was speaking but nothing evangelical. Yet, given the power of my insight I think I'm pretty good not to be evangelical. I spoke to my mum about it later on and she could see exactly what I was talking about and told me how difficult it was to be around me when I was a growing up that no matter what anyone did to try to include me in things I never seemed to be happy. This created an uncomfortable atmosphere in the family. Just one instance where I said to myselfl 'I'm not a part, I'm alone' and that created the framework and context for the way I lived my life. It's unbelievable that one thing we decide about something can have such power, but it does, until it is undistinguished. But the identity does not give up its secrets easily. There's much darkness before the light, much soul searching, much confusion and bewilderment. But if we stay with a commitment to transform it then sooner or later it will happen. I firmly believe this. What I am not so sure on is how long it is going to take. It could be one lifetime or many lifetimes. The most important thing is to begin the process now.

What is amazing to me is that everyone of us by virtue of being human have formed a point of view about ourselves. It is what gives us our individuality. Without the structure of identity with its point of view, ego and opinions we would all be the same. We would all be just essence, we would be nothing and yet everything. The moment the wholeness of consciousness was broken when the point of view formed is the moment we knew separation. From that moment on there is what appears to separation and from separation comes suffering. The whole of the journey from human to spiritual is rediscovering the wholeness that never really separated, the point of view makes us think that we are play the game between the self and not-self....

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