I spent a lot of today looking at the large wall-mounted TV which is in the reception at college. Because of the din of the area my keeping up with events as they unfolded was through the sub-titles which were headed 'breaking news' and gave details of the confirmed case of swine flu in Europe, in this case Spain. In true British stoicism the issue was acknowledged by my colleagues as 'quite worrying' which gave me the platform to proclaim my mantra of staying steady. Yesterday I had an insight that the shift of consciousness is going to result in another kind of perception. I think it will be depth perception, whereby other realms and worlds which have been spoken and written about but are not available to the consciousness as it operates now will become available. The shift that is coming is going to result in greater perception so that things that couldn't be validated or verifed before will now will be. I can't be more specific than that and I have no evidence for this, it is an insight I had and like all of my insights I don't get the how for the way in which they are going to come about.
Today was a really good day in college. I feel that I am no longer drowning in the shorthand quicksand. I know though that this comfort is conditional on me putting in the required hour of work come what may. I see now that it for two chapters where I didn't put in the time is where my knowledge is a bit hazy which reflects when I have to write outlines that involve learning from these chapters. I'm beginning to see that all of shorthand is about how words sound not how they are spelled and if I can keep this distinction in my head and the relevant outlines then that should be my ticket to getting the speed I want to go for a job on either a newspaper or a magazine.
I was thrilled today when I received feedback from the lecturer for the second feature of the six I have to do for the exam portfolio. This was a write-up of the interview I did with the Managing Director of a chilled food manufacturer. I had kind of told myself that it didn't really fit the brief because it was another interview and not so much of an article so I couldn't believe it when on the front page I saw a large 'B' in black pen. This is the first 'B' I have got for an article I have done on this course. It was interesting getting the feedback from the lecturer compared to the feedback the editor of the magazine had given me. The editor had allowed wordy adjectives such as 'effective' 'essential', the college lecturer wanted them out. What I see now is that I can write simply and don't need to use these kind of words which is a huge relief. I can read something and then say 'what is this saying' and then write in my own words simply and clearly.
In spite of the rain sheeting against the window for most of the day today I had a contentment and ease and joy which is just so precious. I don't know what is causing this. I think it is that I am finally in integrity around what I want to do with my life. What will unfold is going to do so slowly because one can't a live a life where the integrity has been out for so many years and expect things to shift overnight, it doesn't happen like this.
I was a bit nervous driving home because I suddenly remembered that two people where I live have been sick with a stomach bug that is going around. The mind is funny, the moment I got in and heard the news that a third person and a friend weren't feeling well, I immediately thought I could feel a rumbling in my stomach. I made some green tea and chatted to one of the people there. We got talking about being held back in life from what we want to do and I spoke again about programmes which are effective in showing where the blind spots are in life. These blind spots hold us back by virtue of the fact that they are blind spots. She has had her work cut back to two days and is now in a position to look at what else might be possible. I invited her to come to hear about the Forum in a couple of weeks; this time I will keep my word and be there.
Even though I am finishing this training in May I will continue to be a stand not for this kind of training necessary although it is what I have found hugely powerful, but a stand for people to stop looking outside for answers that are within. To realize that power and freedom doesn't come from getting more, better and different of what is outside, but of becoming a friend and lover to what is within........
Monday, 27 April 2009
Sunday, 26 April 2009
The importance....of keeping our nerve..
I was quite concerned to learn of the presence of swine flu first in Mexico and now in other countries. Comparisions are being drawn to the recession of 1918 which also brought with it a pandemic that killed millions of people. It is so important in the face of news like this to stay steady. We are in a state of transition and shift, there is no doubt about that. Everything that we considered to be safe and stable is turning out to have been made of shifting sand. What doesn't shift though is our ability to go within and develop an understanding of how the inner life works that is strong enough to withstand all of the shocks that are delivered by the materialistic world. Yesterday I read that the number of billionaires has halved as a result of this recession. These billionaires were probably people who felt they were immune to whatever could happen and now overnight practically what they thought they were worth has been taken away through absolutely no fault of their own. This is a huge shock to the mind and is why it is important to be steady. It is the steadiness of the consciousness that will determine how successful the shift is to the next kingdom that the process of evolution is gearing up for.
The writer JG Ballard died last week and I have been reading some of what he has written. I have been particularly struck by an insight he had which seems particularly apt for what the consciousness is being subjected to today. He said: "People want to save the whale and the seal because they know that sooner or later the human being is probably going to be next on the list." This is what I feel is happening with the speed with which the world as we have known it is breaking down and the bewilderment on the faces and in the conversations of those who are supposed to be leaders in getting us through this, It is so important to be steady and to trust that when everything is finished the consciousness will be raised so high as to bring about a new paradigm. I am not asserting that what I say is the Truth and I am not saying it to bring about fear, in fact, I am speaking out now to prevent widespread fear and panic. It is the steadiness of our own consciousness that is going to determine how well or otherwise we come out of this.
How can steadiness of consciousness be developed? It is really by going within and being aware not so much of events themselves but of our own reactions to them. The learning and value is never in an event but in what our reaction to it tells us about ourselves. Just to notice, not to judge is what is valuable. It is a kind of mindfulness where no thought about anything goes unobserved. Continual practice of mindfulness will in time result in a steady consciousness. I often think of my friend and mystic Manuel Schoch and wonder how he would interpret the speed with which everything is being torn down before being reconstructed. I'm sure he would also see what is happening as ultimately for the good in shifting consciousness even if at present it is somewhat bewildering.....
The writer JG Ballard died last week and I have been reading some of what he has written. I have been particularly struck by an insight he had which seems particularly apt for what the consciousness is being subjected to today. He said: "People want to save the whale and the seal because they know that sooner or later the human being is probably going to be next on the list." This is what I feel is happening with the speed with which the world as we have known it is breaking down and the bewilderment on the faces and in the conversations of those who are supposed to be leaders in getting us through this, It is so important to be steady and to trust that when everything is finished the consciousness will be raised so high as to bring about a new paradigm. I am not asserting that what I say is the Truth and I am not saying it to bring about fear, in fact, I am speaking out now to prevent widespread fear and panic. It is the steadiness of our own consciousness that is going to determine how well or otherwise we come out of this.
How can steadiness of consciousness be developed? It is really by going within and being aware not so much of events themselves but of our own reactions to them. The learning and value is never in an event but in what our reaction to it tells us about ourselves. Just to notice, not to judge is what is valuable. It is a kind of mindfulness where no thought about anything goes unobserved. Continual practice of mindfulness will in time result in a steady consciousness. I often think of my friend and mystic Manuel Schoch and wonder how he would interpret the speed with which everything is being torn down before being reconstructed. I'm sure he would also see what is happening as ultimately for the good in shifting consciousness even if at present it is somewhat bewildering.....
Saturday, 25 April 2009
When you just know......
Today was an amazing day. After the team meeting we had a workshop on creating a vision board. I have watched 'The Secret' so knew about the concept but actually lying on the floor with pieces of A3 paper and drawing what I would like my dream life to look like was really scary for me. I realised that I couldn't move beyond wanting to make a difference to people. It took the form of 'having my own spiritual magazine which would transform everyone who read it', to realizing the long-held desire of being a Buddhist Boddhissatva. I couldn't seem to move beyond this. I had nothing about home, garden, breeding pigs, chickens like the others. For a long time I just sat and looked at what I had drawn on this piece of paper and wondered again for the umpteenth time why I should have the experiences that are leading me down one particular path and how single-minded this path seems to be. Or is this me, that is creating it to be this single-mindedness and focus and it is not what it is about at all.
I stayed with one of the girls from Team and we stayed up chatting until 2am. I had had more lager than I had planned at the pub and so when we came home I started speaking about channelling and especially about Neale Donald's Walche's book Conversation with God book 1 where it lays out how every experience is a game between THE ONE AND THE NOT-ONE. However the NOT-ONE only appears to be different to play the game. This is why even in the most tragic of circumstances I do not get drawn into the drama. I empathise with the pain it produces because this is compassion and is a necessary requirement for moving the consciousness but I never get involved in judgement or condemnation because I recognise the game that is being played. Speaking about it last night to the others it was so clear and the words to describe it came really easy. I spoke of the game in terms of how the identity functions as part of human personality and how that other part which I call the witness, that which sees and knows functions. After this year of being vigilant and watchful of the identity I have built up a lot of knowledge about how and what it uses to operate.
The next morning I woke up slightly hung-over and a little sheepish. I remembered everything I had said the night before but also realised that it wasn't a conversation that would be usual for the Landmark environment. Over a cup of tea my friend and I were chatting and I ended up telling her about the powerful experience on the meditation retreat in Devon which totally shifted my consciousness and has resulted in me taking on things I would never have done if I hadn't had this experience. Between us we saw that I have made this experience mean that I am in some way superior to others. I never wanted this to happen but I have to be honest and say that this is true. I resist the coaching I am given and instead I go into victim mode about 'why can't I be normal like everyone else'. This is not authentic because I recognise my own power so to go into victim mode because I don't want to be honest and straight and ask not be be coached. I see how cowardly this is. This woman who is also my coach said to me that people feel when they meet me that I know something that they don't and so don't feel connected with me or to me. I found this very interesting.
I don't know if it's finally being in integrity with what I am doing but my self-expression these days is brave and bold. I say what is there for me now without any apology. One girl phoned me up to ask if I would do an exercise with her which would free her up not to panic when someone shouted at her. As I did the exercise I saw that the panic that set in was a result of a threat to her safety when she was a child. As is often the case, the first threat to safety comes in childhood and having had one experience of having safety threatened the consciousness will go to any and all lengths to avoid it. So each time it happens again, panic sets in which stops the experience of having safety threatened but in that panic there is a loss of power. As an adult now there is little threat to safety but when these events are not recreated and completed they hang around and everything else goes on top of them. I don't claim this to be the truth only something I see based on my own insights and observation.
I did a double agreement because a friend is coming down and I will not be travelling to do the agreement and because integrity is so important for me and for living a powerful life I am storing them up so that I don't owe any. I had so many great conversations with graduates and each one is simply amazing in their own way. Everyone I spoke to was up for creating great things in their lives. Agreement over I came back and called my mum who was very happy with the call. I spoke with her about certain events in my life and how they have led me down this not oft-travelled path and she was so encouraging and supportive. I am really grateful to her for her love and acceptance for me. I am an only daughter who is not married or has children and she has never once made me feel that she has missed out on anything.
I'm tired now because it was very late when I got to bed last night and tomorrow has to be a day spent studying for an exam I am having on Wednesday. I had wanted to stay up and be a committed listener on the Power to Create communication course which is happening this weekend because for me, it is the most powerful course in coming and creating from nothing the kind of life I want but on Saturday morning my first thought, or it was more like an instruction was 'go back', and as always and weird as it may seem to anyone reading this, I will never go against these inner instructions.....
I stayed with one of the girls from Team and we stayed up chatting until 2am. I had had more lager than I had planned at the pub and so when we came home I started speaking about channelling and especially about Neale Donald's Walche's book Conversation with God book 1 where it lays out how every experience is a game between THE ONE AND THE NOT-ONE. However the NOT-ONE only appears to be different to play the game. This is why even in the most tragic of circumstances I do not get drawn into the drama. I empathise with the pain it produces because this is compassion and is a necessary requirement for moving the consciousness but I never get involved in judgement or condemnation because I recognise the game that is being played. Speaking about it last night to the others it was so clear and the words to describe it came really easy. I spoke of the game in terms of how the identity functions as part of human personality and how that other part which I call the witness, that which sees and knows functions. After this year of being vigilant and watchful of the identity I have built up a lot of knowledge about how and what it uses to operate.
The next morning I woke up slightly hung-over and a little sheepish. I remembered everything I had said the night before but also realised that it wasn't a conversation that would be usual for the Landmark environment. Over a cup of tea my friend and I were chatting and I ended up telling her about the powerful experience on the meditation retreat in Devon which totally shifted my consciousness and has resulted in me taking on things I would never have done if I hadn't had this experience. Between us we saw that I have made this experience mean that I am in some way superior to others. I never wanted this to happen but I have to be honest and say that this is true. I resist the coaching I am given and instead I go into victim mode about 'why can't I be normal like everyone else'. This is not authentic because I recognise my own power so to go into victim mode because I don't want to be honest and straight and ask not be be coached. I see how cowardly this is. This woman who is also my coach said to me that people feel when they meet me that I know something that they don't and so don't feel connected with me or to me. I found this very interesting.
I don't know if it's finally being in integrity with what I am doing but my self-expression these days is brave and bold. I say what is there for me now without any apology. One girl phoned me up to ask if I would do an exercise with her which would free her up not to panic when someone shouted at her. As I did the exercise I saw that the panic that set in was a result of a threat to her safety when she was a child. As is often the case, the first threat to safety comes in childhood and having had one experience of having safety threatened the consciousness will go to any and all lengths to avoid it. So each time it happens again, panic sets in which stops the experience of having safety threatened but in that panic there is a loss of power. As an adult now there is little threat to safety but when these events are not recreated and completed they hang around and everything else goes on top of them. I don't claim this to be the truth only something I see based on my own insights and observation.
I did a double agreement because a friend is coming down and I will not be travelling to do the agreement and because integrity is so important for me and for living a powerful life I am storing them up so that I don't owe any. I had so many great conversations with graduates and each one is simply amazing in their own way. Everyone I spoke to was up for creating great things in their lives. Agreement over I came back and called my mum who was very happy with the call. I spoke with her about certain events in my life and how they have led me down this not oft-travelled path and she was so encouraging and supportive. I am really grateful to her for her love and acceptance for me. I am an only daughter who is not married or has children and she has never once made me feel that she has missed out on anything.
I'm tired now because it was very late when I got to bed last night and tomorrow has to be a day spent studying for an exam I am having on Wednesday. I had wanted to stay up and be a committed listener on the Power to Create communication course which is happening this weekend because for me, it is the most powerful course in coming and creating from nothing the kind of life I want but on Saturday morning my first thought, or it was more like an instruction was 'go back', and as always and weird as it may seem to anyone reading this, I will never go against these inner instructions.....
Friday, 24 April 2009
I only have a few minutes to scribe this entry before going to my team meeting. What am I going to do at the end of May when this year ends and I'm no longer chasing my tail trying to fit everything in. It's been a relatively quiet day. We had a journalist who writes for the Daily Mail come in to speak to us and it was reassuring to know that even in these lean economic times for journalists that the Mail continues to take on casual staff for paid shifts. It is somewhat ironical that having moved out of London many of the big journalism opportunities are in London. Yesterday I had a thought to write to a local newspaper and see if they would take me on for work experience when I finish this course. Even though the course is an 18 week course for magazines I have really enjoyed the news component of the course and think I would like the buzz of working with a team on a local newspaper.
Some of my comments to other websites are beginning to pay off, at least in terms of getting responses to them. It has been pointed out that this kind of blog is not good for attracting general interest in terms of pitching for articles so yesterday I went into town and got some telephone numbers off cards in shops. I'm going to write an article on meditation but rather than me waxing lyrical about what the benefits are. I'm going to lose my subjectivity and do a kind of comparative analysis piece about the different kinds of meditation. I did some web research and was amazed at how meditation has grown since the days of when I thought that there was only Serenity and Insight meditation. Now there's visualiszation, relaxation, sound, so I think that someone coming to it new might be somewhat confused at how they differ from each other.
My feeling is that the principle and aim of all of them is the same, it is just the technique that is used to get there that is different. Like the different ways people learn, whether that is visual, kinetic and I can't remember what the others are, I suppose it is the same with meditation that it's not a case of one kind fits all and so in that way it will be interesting researching the kinds of people who might benefit from the different techniques.
The big challenge for me is finding the time to do all of this but it excites me and that is all that is neeeded for the required motivation to bubble up from the depths.....
Must go now or will be late and have to restore my integrity which is something I have managed to avoid all of this quarter.....apologies if it reads rushed and not very well edited.
Some of my comments to other websites are beginning to pay off, at least in terms of getting responses to them. It has been pointed out that this kind of blog is not good for attracting general interest in terms of pitching for articles so yesterday I went into town and got some telephone numbers off cards in shops. I'm going to write an article on meditation but rather than me waxing lyrical about what the benefits are. I'm going to lose my subjectivity and do a kind of comparative analysis piece about the different kinds of meditation. I did some web research and was amazed at how meditation has grown since the days of when I thought that there was only Serenity and Insight meditation. Now there's visualiszation, relaxation, sound, so I think that someone coming to it new might be somewhat confused at how they differ from each other.
My feeling is that the principle and aim of all of them is the same, it is just the technique that is used to get there that is different. Like the different ways people learn, whether that is visual, kinetic and I can't remember what the others are, I suppose it is the same with meditation that it's not a case of one kind fits all and so in that way it will be interesting researching the kinds of people who might benefit from the different techniques.
The big challenge for me is finding the time to do all of this but it excites me and that is all that is neeeded for the required motivation to bubble up from the depths.....
Must go now or will be late and have to restore my integrity which is something I have managed to avoid all of this quarter.....apologies if it reads rushed and not very well edited.
Thursday, 23 April 2009
With integrity.....everything is possible
My first thought when I woke up this morning was 'Oh no, I have a shorthand test today'. My experience of shorthand is that it is like a fungus in that it gradually grows into being familiar. From being vigilant and practicing it regularly I am fairly confident in two out of three parts of the test. When it comes to dictating sentences I have not already drilled then panic sets in and what is logical gets lost in the haze of panic.
I've been such a different person since my euphoria moment about the importance of integrity and being my word which happened on Tuesday. Wednesday inspite of my identity going on a rant about the need to shelve all of my commitments in favour of studying for this shorthand test I ignored it and was rigorous about doing everything I said I would do. To my absolute amazement I managed to do everything and also fit in the study for the shorthand test. Early morning came and for one moment it looked like we were not going to have the test until Monday. I had mixed feelings about this because I am going to London for a team meeting and have an exam on public affairs on Wednesday so didn't want to have the thought of a postponed shorthand exam also on my mind. Luckily one of the girls was vocal in her annoyance which came down to at its most simplest level, the annoyance and uncertainty that occurs when something that is expected doesn't happen. I was my usual philosophic self in that I thought 'I'll go with whatever is meant to be here'. But in truth I was thrilled when the teacher having a sudden attack of what I don't know, suddenly became focussed and intentional and declared 'yes, we were going to have the test'.
This resulted in a flurry of pages being torn out of books, the screech of pens scurrying down pages as margins were hurriedly drawn and then finally this test that brings me face to face with my nerves and panic began. The first two parts were OK because these were outlines we had done once so they were consigned to my memory. The third part was dictating sentences I hadn't practiced before and I immediately felt the well of panic as the correct spelling of the words conflicted with how they sounded and so by the end I needed a home for the bewildered. But I calmed myself down and gave everything over to my intuition. Only time will tell if it has been a friend or foe.
Then came our design class. I had completely forgotten that we had done a mock paper just before Easter to test our sub-editing and ability to write eye catching headlines. I remember coming out of this thinking that I had done so badly on this. I had it that my headline and introduction to the stories was so off beam compared to the headlines I had sneakily glanced at that others had written. To my absolute surprise and amazement when it came to feedback time the lecturer had given me eight out of 10 for my headlines which I was thrilled about. As he went through my work I saw the impact of what happened once my identity had said 'you have made a hash of this'. How I gave up, in terms of making sure that it was the best that it could be. I saw with shame how I had let go basic grammatical and spelling errors that as a writer I am sure that I saw but at that point my attitude would have been sod it (or maybe something stronger!) and I would have done with it what I do with everything that I feel goes wrong....abandon it without any integrity.
Doing much better than I thought I did has really boosted my confidence that I can produce something of quality next time. I've seen that I can add in words to line up columns of words and that I don't need to be afraid of really turning around copy as long as I do not change the meaning of the article. We are having another mock exam next week and I intend to play and take risks that up to now I haven't wanted to because of a fear of not doing it right. But it is this restraint that is putting the block on my creativity all over the place. Restraint and free self-expression cannot live in the same space, being one or the other is a choice.
Feeling much more positive about design and sub-editing than I have during all of this course I returned home so happy and grateful to be given the opportunity to do this course. I stopped off to give my consciousness the treat of merging with the power and magnificance of the sea and as always when I do this, the few thoughts in my mind are reduced to nothing but wonder and awe. I am deputy accountable for ensuring that everyone on team receives a phone call to acknowledge them for what they are creating in the world. It is in the listening that we have for others that they experience their own greatness. For the person who is acknowledging people, those moments when the consciousness is not concerned with 'me and mine' but is concerned with giving a powerful experience to another are shape-shifting.
On Wednesday I called lots of people who hadn't communicated that these calls had been done. I was amazed at how open everyone was to being held to account and their willingness to recommit these calls at another time. From this I understood that holding people to account for them to have the power that comes with being their word is not the policing I thought it was. It is a commitment to them to have a life that works.
My last thought tonight.......was wow.....Integrity rocks
I've been such a different person since my euphoria moment about the importance of integrity and being my word which happened on Tuesday. Wednesday inspite of my identity going on a rant about the need to shelve all of my commitments in favour of studying for this shorthand test I ignored it and was rigorous about doing everything I said I would do. To my absolute amazement I managed to do everything and also fit in the study for the shorthand test. Early morning came and for one moment it looked like we were not going to have the test until Monday. I had mixed feelings about this because I am going to London for a team meeting and have an exam on public affairs on Wednesday so didn't want to have the thought of a postponed shorthand exam also on my mind. Luckily one of the girls was vocal in her annoyance which came down to at its most simplest level, the annoyance and uncertainty that occurs when something that is expected doesn't happen. I was my usual philosophic self in that I thought 'I'll go with whatever is meant to be here'. But in truth I was thrilled when the teacher having a sudden attack of what I don't know, suddenly became focussed and intentional and declared 'yes, we were going to have the test'.
This resulted in a flurry of pages being torn out of books, the screech of pens scurrying down pages as margins were hurriedly drawn and then finally this test that brings me face to face with my nerves and panic began. The first two parts were OK because these were outlines we had done once so they were consigned to my memory. The third part was dictating sentences I hadn't practiced before and I immediately felt the well of panic as the correct spelling of the words conflicted with how they sounded and so by the end I needed a home for the bewildered. But I calmed myself down and gave everything over to my intuition. Only time will tell if it has been a friend or foe.
Then came our design class. I had completely forgotten that we had done a mock paper just before Easter to test our sub-editing and ability to write eye catching headlines. I remember coming out of this thinking that I had done so badly on this. I had it that my headline and introduction to the stories was so off beam compared to the headlines I had sneakily glanced at that others had written. To my absolute surprise and amazement when it came to feedback time the lecturer had given me eight out of 10 for my headlines which I was thrilled about. As he went through my work I saw the impact of what happened once my identity had said 'you have made a hash of this'. How I gave up, in terms of making sure that it was the best that it could be. I saw with shame how I had let go basic grammatical and spelling errors that as a writer I am sure that I saw but at that point my attitude would have been sod it (or maybe something stronger!) and I would have done with it what I do with everything that I feel goes wrong....abandon it without any integrity.
Doing much better than I thought I did has really boosted my confidence that I can produce something of quality next time. I've seen that I can add in words to line up columns of words and that I don't need to be afraid of really turning around copy as long as I do not change the meaning of the article. We are having another mock exam next week and I intend to play and take risks that up to now I haven't wanted to because of a fear of not doing it right. But it is this restraint that is putting the block on my creativity all over the place. Restraint and free self-expression cannot live in the same space, being one or the other is a choice.
Feeling much more positive about design and sub-editing than I have during all of this course I returned home so happy and grateful to be given the opportunity to do this course. I stopped off to give my consciousness the treat of merging with the power and magnificance of the sea and as always when I do this, the few thoughts in my mind are reduced to nothing but wonder and awe. I am deputy accountable for ensuring that everyone on team receives a phone call to acknowledge them for what they are creating in the world. It is in the listening that we have for others that they experience their own greatness. For the person who is acknowledging people, those moments when the consciousness is not concerned with 'me and mine' but is concerned with giving a powerful experience to another are shape-shifting.
On Wednesday I called lots of people who hadn't communicated that these calls had been done. I was amazed at how open everyone was to being held to account and their willingness to recommit these calls at another time. From this I understood that holding people to account for them to have the power that comes with being their word is not the policing I thought it was. It is a commitment to them to have a life that works.
My last thought tonight.......was wow.....Integrity rocks
Wednesday, 22 April 2009
The link between.....identity and integrity
Firstly I want to say how moved I have been by everyone who has been in contact with me to reassure me about the possible insignificance of this blog having a flag against it. Mind you, there was no flag when I signed into write it now. For me, it is another example of how events in life work to throw the conscious mind from certainty into confusion so that it can expand. My uncertain state of mind reached it's pinnacle on Tuesday night.
I have often wrote about the importance of having integrity for having a life that works. Integrity is as much of a law as is gravity. However, the workings of integrity is more subtle than that of gravity. With the law of gravity, if I go up to the top of a building and jump from its roof, I'm going to go down regardless of whether or not I am a good person. With integrity the effect comes with whether or not I keep my word or not. I was dimly aware of this but up until Tuesday had not linked a way I was feeling directly to not being my word around something. Readers of this blog will know that I have almost completed a one year's team management and leadership programme with Landmark Education. Central to everything is the emphasis on integrity which is not about being right or wrong, just about being your word. I find it similar to Buddhism in that it says, I am not my thoughts, or feelings; I am simply MY WORD. It's funny but as I have just written this I am reminded of the sentence in the bible that says 'in the beginning was the WORD', why have I written this, is there any connection. I don't know I am going to have to sit with that insight for a while. Maybe there will be more explanation in a later blog entry....maybe not.
Anyway, back to me and this blog entry.....This year's programme is all about being my word and every breakdown is put down to a lack of integrity or integrity being out in some area of life. For a long time now I have been aware of a seminar that was starting on Tuesday night. I had said that I would go myself and would enroll people into coming to hear what might be possible for themselves. After all my mission for this life-time is to teach people to fish so that they can elevate consciousness for themselves. For me the access to this is the Forum which is offered by Landmark Education but I am aware that there are lots of other self-development programmes. However what Landmark offers is an opportunity to study and transform how we are made up as human beings and how the identity operates. But this is just how it occurs to me, it's not the truth and not how it may occur to someone else. So I will do what Buddha did which is to say 'check it out, and if you find it's not for you, find something else', what is important though is to find something else.
Tuesday morning dawned and I remembered that I was going to go to this seminar and speak to my college students about it. Then immediately I had a thought about an exam we were to have on Wednesday and I immediately said to myself 'I need the time to study'. The result is that I went into college, spoke half-heartedly about it and then promptly forgot about it. Later on in the morning we heard that the exam we were going to have is put forward a week. Even then I didn't offer the alternative to people of going to this seminar. I finished my day and came home. The people who I live with had arrived home and suddenly for some reason I felt so tired and lonely. I excused myself and went upstairs where I sat on my bed wondering what on earth was wrong with me. I had some conference calls but I was so tired I could barely keep my eyes open. As for studying....forget it, I couldn't focus on the books never mind torment my mind with deciphering squiggly lines. I chose then to withdraw my consciousness from the world by going to sleep, but no sleep would come. I was tormented by all kinds of dark thoughts.
Then with a flash of insight I knew exactly why I was feeling like I was. I had given my word to go to this seminar and be powerful and bold in sharing what I got from it so that people would have an access to them having a life they lived and I wasn't my word. I know that this can read that I am being hard on myself but this is the only way that insights and shifts occur. The insights I get may not appear to be rational but I know with the force with which they hit me that they are relevant. I experienced enormous relief when I could declare a breakdown in my integrity and really be in the impact of not being my word. I then thought back to other times where my mood was dark and in some way the mood has always been linked to whether or not I am in integrity or not. But up to now, although I have written about it ad nauseum in some places, the kind of direct causal link I experienced on Tuesday night had eluded me. I had the theory, had a vague idea that there was some truth in it but had no direct evidence of the link. On Tuesday night I got that link so forcefully.
After this realization I went off to sleep and woke up early this morning, ready to make up for the time I had lost the night before. I woke up refreshed and determined to do everything I could to clean up on areas where my integrity was out. It started with the people I live with here and continued all through the day. Each time I made a phone call and told the truth about why I hadn't done what I said I would do, I felt lighter and freer. My final restoring of integrity came at the end of the say when I went up to a woman outside a health food shop to ask her about her experiences of meditation. I had promised myself everytime I went into town that I would do this as part of an article I am writing on meditation and the different kinds but always came home again without doing it. Not yesterday.....I strode off down the street and without thinking went up to a girl who has unlocking her bicycle and explained what I was doing and could she give me a couple of minutes to speak about meditation.
It wasn't a great interview because she doesn't meditate but that doesn't matter. Where the power is for me is that I was my word around what I said I would do. The result of all of this was an evening last night where I had so much energy and life. What I see now looking back is how my identity acted to sabotage it so that I wouldn't be my word. But unfortunately the law of integrity is a law as obvious as gravity but much more subtle. I believe that it begins working the minute we commit ourselves to doing something. If we are our word then life works, if we are not then the consequences of violating any law come into effect.
There are many ways to interpret what I have written here. What came back to me yesterday when I shared this with people was 'you're too hard on yourself, where's the freedom and ease'. For me, and I don't write for anyone else, it is this being hard on myself and refusing to accept appearances for the reality but to look for that which is hidden and so transform it is what continues to shift my consciousness. It's not easy to live this kind of an austere life but I do believe that it is necessary to reach the ultimate aim of living life from an enlightened state of consciousness so that others can know it is possible and go for it themselves using whatever means works for them.....
I have often wrote about the importance of having integrity for having a life that works. Integrity is as much of a law as is gravity. However, the workings of integrity is more subtle than that of gravity. With the law of gravity, if I go up to the top of a building and jump from its roof, I'm going to go down regardless of whether or not I am a good person. With integrity the effect comes with whether or not I keep my word or not. I was dimly aware of this but up until Tuesday had not linked a way I was feeling directly to not being my word around something. Readers of this blog will know that I have almost completed a one year's team management and leadership programme with Landmark Education. Central to everything is the emphasis on integrity which is not about being right or wrong, just about being your word. I find it similar to Buddhism in that it says, I am not my thoughts, or feelings; I am simply MY WORD. It's funny but as I have just written this I am reminded of the sentence in the bible that says 'in the beginning was the WORD', why have I written this, is there any connection. I don't know I am going to have to sit with that insight for a while. Maybe there will be more explanation in a later blog entry....maybe not.
Anyway, back to me and this blog entry.....This year's programme is all about being my word and every breakdown is put down to a lack of integrity or integrity being out in some area of life. For a long time now I have been aware of a seminar that was starting on Tuesday night. I had said that I would go myself and would enroll people into coming to hear what might be possible for themselves. After all my mission for this life-time is to teach people to fish so that they can elevate consciousness for themselves. For me the access to this is the Forum which is offered by Landmark Education but I am aware that there are lots of other self-development programmes. However what Landmark offers is an opportunity to study and transform how we are made up as human beings and how the identity operates. But this is just how it occurs to me, it's not the truth and not how it may occur to someone else. So I will do what Buddha did which is to say 'check it out, and if you find it's not for you, find something else', what is important though is to find something else.
Tuesday morning dawned and I remembered that I was going to go to this seminar and speak to my college students about it. Then immediately I had a thought about an exam we were to have on Wednesday and I immediately said to myself 'I need the time to study'. The result is that I went into college, spoke half-heartedly about it and then promptly forgot about it. Later on in the morning we heard that the exam we were going to have is put forward a week. Even then I didn't offer the alternative to people of going to this seminar. I finished my day and came home. The people who I live with had arrived home and suddenly for some reason I felt so tired and lonely. I excused myself and went upstairs where I sat on my bed wondering what on earth was wrong with me. I had some conference calls but I was so tired I could barely keep my eyes open. As for studying....forget it, I couldn't focus on the books never mind torment my mind with deciphering squiggly lines. I chose then to withdraw my consciousness from the world by going to sleep, but no sleep would come. I was tormented by all kinds of dark thoughts.
Then with a flash of insight I knew exactly why I was feeling like I was. I had given my word to go to this seminar and be powerful and bold in sharing what I got from it so that people would have an access to them having a life they lived and I wasn't my word. I know that this can read that I am being hard on myself but this is the only way that insights and shifts occur. The insights I get may not appear to be rational but I know with the force with which they hit me that they are relevant. I experienced enormous relief when I could declare a breakdown in my integrity and really be in the impact of not being my word. I then thought back to other times where my mood was dark and in some way the mood has always been linked to whether or not I am in integrity or not. But up to now, although I have written about it ad nauseum in some places, the kind of direct causal link I experienced on Tuesday night had eluded me. I had the theory, had a vague idea that there was some truth in it but had no direct evidence of the link. On Tuesday night I got that link so forcefully.
After this realization I went off to sleep and woke up early this morning, ready to make up for the time I had lost the night before. I woke up refreshed and determined to do everything I could to clean up on areas where my integrity was out. It started with the people I live with here and continued all through the day. Each time I made a phone call and told the truth about why I hadn't done what I said I would do, I felt lighter and freer. My final restoring of integrity came at the end of the say when I went up to a woman outside a health food shop to ask her about her experiences of meditation. I had promised myself everytime I went into town that I would do this as part of an article I am writing on meditation and the different kinds but always came home again without doing it. Not yesterday.....I strode off down the street and without thinking went up to a girl who has unlocking her bicycle and explained what I was doing and could she give me a couple of minutes to speak about meditation.
It wasn't a great interview because she doesn't meditate but that doesn't matter. Where the power is for me is that I was my word around what I said I would do. The result of all of this was an evening last night where I had so much energy and life. What I see now looking back is how my identity acted to sabotage it so that I wouldn't be my word. But unfortunately the law of integrity is a law as obvious as gravity but much more subtle. I believe that it begins working the minute we commit ourselves to doing something. If we are our word then life works, if we are not then the consequences of violating any law come into effect.
There are many ways to interpret what I have written here. What came back to me yesterday when I shared this with people was 'you're too hard on yourself, where's the freedom and ease'. For me, and I don't write for anyone else, it is this being hard on myself and refusing to accept appearances for the reality but to look for that which is hidden and so transform it is what continues to shift my consciousness. It's not easy to live this kind of an austere life but I do believe that it is necessary to reach the ultimate aim of living life from an enlightened state of consciousness so that others can know it is possible and go for it themselves using whatever means works for them.....
Tuesday, 21 April 2009
The illusion....of control
Well, I'm back again! and once again I got the 'objectionable content' flag when I signed into write this. Yesterday I was shocked as no doubt was evident from what I wrote but I had a lovely relaxing massage in the evening and went home and did some meditation to get an intuition as to what I should do. The questions I asked myself were 'has this blog reached the end of the road, have I said everything that I want to say, have I made the difference that I so want to make and what came back to me was a resounding 'NO'. The one thing following a spiritual path demands is courage. Ghandhi once said 'do not approach the spiritual path if you are afraid', and it is this which sees me once more scribing an entry on this blog while awaiting my college tutorial.
Having the massage last night was so relaxing and during the consultation I saw that while I don't have too much physical stress I am quite stressed emotionally and yet paradoxically I am calm and everything continues to work. All of the turbulence is going on in my mind. Afterwards I received a call from a very good friend with the news that a four day week is going to be imposed from May. I was shocked because this person has been employed in the profession for many years and is well established. This news gave me the inspiration for the title of this blog entry. The deepest illusion all of us have as human beings is that we are in control of life and in control of events that happen in life. It is only when that control is taken that the realization dawns of how little control we actually have. As my friend said: 'I would rather have had the opportunity to choose, rather than have it imposed'.
And yet, times of shock like this are also times of great opportunity. When the consciousness is certain there is no growth. Confusion and uncertainty shifts the consciousness more rapidly than anything else. Enlightenment at its most simple level is letting go of the illusion of control together with a willingness to trust the benevolence of the universe. But the identity uses our obsession about control in order not to to allow the consciousness to expand. Having control wrested away and seeing how like pawns we are in a game is very liberating but also very scary and demands the courage to stay steady knowing that we cannot see the bigger picture only a piece of a jigsaw.
I will have to sign off soon because I am soon going to be called into a tutorial. I know the drill by now. We will go through all of the parts of this course, I will be asked how I am getting on, a tick will be put into a box and it will be over for another two weeks....the real world will begin after I finish the course.....
Having the massage last night was so relaxing and during the consultation I saw that while I don't have too much physical stress I am quite stressed emotionally and yet paradoxically I am calm and everything continues to work. All of the turbulence is going on in my mind. Afterwards I received a call from a very good friend with the news that a four day week is going to be imposed from May. I was shocked because this person has been employed in the profession for many years and is well established. This news gave me the inspiration for the title of this blog entry. The deepest illusion all of us have as human beings is that we are in control of life and in control of events that happen in life. It is only when that control is taken that the realization dawns of how little control we actually have. As my friend said: 'I would rather have had the opportunity to choose, rather than have it imposed'.
And yet, times of shock like this are also times of great opportunity. When the consciousness is certain there is no growth. Confusion and uncertainty shifts the consciousness more rapidly than anything else. Enlightenment at its most simple level is letting go of the illusion of control together with a willingness to trust the benevolence of the universe. But the identity uses our obsession about control in order not to to allow the consciousness to expand. Having control wrested away and seeing how like pawns we are in a game is very liberating but also very scary and demands the courage to stay steady knowing that we cannot see the bigger picture only a piece of a jigsaw.
I will have to sign off soon because I am soon going to be called into a tutorial. I know the drill by now. We will go through all of the parts of this course, I will be asked how I am getting on, a tick will be put into a box and it will be over for another two weeks....the real world will begin after I finish the course.....
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