Saturday, 25 April 2009

When you just know......

Today was an amazing day. After the team meeting we had a workshop on creating a vision board. I have watched 'The Secret' so knew about the concept but actually lying on the floor with pieces of A3 paper and drawing what I would like my dream life to look like was really scary for me. I realised that I couldn't move beyond wanting to make a difference to people. It took the form of 'having my own spiritual magazine which would transform everyone who read it', to realizing the long-held desire of being a Buddhist Boddhissatva. I couldn't seem to move beyond this. I had nothing about home, garden, breeding pigs, chickens like the others. For a long time I just sat and looked at what I had drawn on this piece of paper and wondered again for the umpteenth time why I should have the experiences that are leading me down one particular path and how single-minded this path seems to be. Or is this me, that is creating it to be this single-mindedness and focus and it is not what it is about at all.

I stayed with one of the girls from Team and we stayed up chatting until 2am. I had had more lager than I had planned at the pub and so when we came home I started speaking about channelling and especially about Neale Donald's Walche's book Conversation with God book 1 where it lays out how every experience is a game between THE ONE AND THE NOT-ONE. However the NOT-ONE only appears to be different to play the game. This is why even in the most tragic of circumstances I do not get drawn into the drama. I empathise with the pain it produces because this is compassion and is a necessary requirement for moving the consciousness but I never get involved in judgement or condemnation because I recognise the game that is being played. Speaking about it last night to the others it was so clear and the words to describe it came really easy. I spoke of the game in terms of how the identity functions as part of human personality and how that other part which I call the witness, that which sees and knows functions. After this year of being vigilant and watchful of the identity I have built up a lot of knowledge about how and what it uses to operate.

The next morning I woke up slightly hung-over and a little sheepish. I remembered everything I had said the night before but also realised that it wasn't a conversation that would be usual for the Landmark environment. Over a cup of tea my friend and I were chatting and I ended up telling her about the powerful experience on the meditation retreat in Devon which totally shifted my consciousness and has resulted in me taking on things I would never have done if I hadn't had this experience. Between us we saw that I have made this experience mean that I am in some way superior to others. I never wanted this to happen but I have to be honest and say that this is true. I resist the coaching I am given and instead I go into victim mode about 'why can't I be normal like everyone else'. This is not authentic because I recognise my own power so to go into victim mode because I don't want to be honest and straight and ask not be be coached. I see how cowardly this is. This woman who is also my coach said to me that people feel when they meet me that I know something that they don't and so don't feel connected with me or to me. I found this very interesting.

I don't know if it's finally being in integrity with what I am doing but my self-expression these days is brave and bold. I say what is there for me now without any apology. One girl phoned me up to ask if I would do an exercise with her which would free her up not to panic when someone shouted at her. As I did the exercise I saw that the panic that set in was a result of a threat to her safety when she was a child. As is often the case, the first threat to safety comes in childhood and having had one experience of having safety threatened the consciousness will go to any and all lengths to avoid it. So each time it happens again, panic sets in which stops the experience of having safety threatened but in that panic there is a loss of power. As an adult now there is little threat to safety but when these events are not recreated and completed they hang around and everything else goes on top of them. I don't claim this to be the truth only something I see based on my own insights and observation.

I did a double agreement because a friend is coming down and I will not be travelling to do the agreement and because integrity is so important for me and for living a powerful life I am storing them up so that I don't owe any. I had so many great conversations with graduates and each one is simply amazing in their own way. Everyone I spoke to was up for creating great things in their lives. Agreement over I came back and called my mum who was very happy with the call. I spoke with her about certain events in my life and how they have led me down this not oft-travelled path and she was so encouraging and supportive. I am really grateful to her for her love and acceptance for me. I am an only daughter who is not married or has children and she has never once made me feel that she has missed out on anything.

I'm tired now because it was very late when I got to bed last night and tomorrow has to be a day spent studying for an exam I am having on Wednesday. I had wanted to stay up and be a committed listener on the Power to Create communication course which is happening this weekend because for me, it is the most powerful course in coming and creating from nothing the kind of life I want but on Saturday morning my first thought, or it was more like an instruction was 'go back', and as always and weird as it may seem to anyone reading this, I will never go against these inner instructions.....

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