The aftermath......

I had a bad night last night. The shaking that I had referred to in my stomach which I had most of the day yesterday became very intense last night when I went to bed. I recognised it and didn't fight it. From time to time it subsided and then I could take a deep breath which made it better. Then it would immediately begin again. I don't remember if I fell asleep with a shaking body or not. I have said that I am committed to seeing the spiritual in all of my experiences. It is the same with this shaking. It is a shaking away of impurities if that makes any sense. I feel strongly that is some aspect of a plan to raise the vibration of the body , getting ready for something. This is why I will not be visiting a doctor. I trust that what is happening for a reason and all that is required of me is to trust and surrender.



When my mobile alarm clock went off this morning I don't think a rocket could have beaten me with the speed with which I jumped out of bed. I have learned a tough lesson about not listening to my intuition. I lit a candle and began to meditate. Immediately what had been a sleepy mind was suddenly filled with thoughts. First one thought and then another. I was beginning to despair and seriously think about giving up to do ANYTHING else when I remembered the words of a monk I had met while I was travelling in India. I had been lamenting my uselessness as a meditator and all he said to me was 'just sit'. It seemed that it was the 'just sitting' which was important, not what thoughts if any were in the mind. When I remembered this I felt a little calmer. Then I thought of the 'just this' and once I began to practice this I felt ease and connection.

It's been a rough day. I've been so restless. I feel very uncertain but uncertain about what..this is what I keep asking myself. I feel like there's huge battle going on within the very depths of me. My inner turmoil is getting close to being unbearable. Not even walking home through the park could still the turbulence. I am so lacking in energy. It's like all the colour is gone out of my world and it is all grey. It all leads me to think that there is a price to be paid for those unitary experiences where Presence is a reality. It's like spending some time in the wonderful sunshine and then just as suddenly being cast out into the bewildering darkness. Is it that the light is too strong to allow the consciousness to rest there for too long. Or is it that the vehicle for receiving the light is still too dense and heavy. The light is always there but it may be our consciousness which beingn so dense means that we cannot stay for too long in the light. This may account for the terrible lows which seem to follow from the high of an state of expanded consciousness. I don't know, neither do I claim to know, these are just possibilities to play with and see what emerges as a result....