I found it difficult to write my blog yesterday. There was a deep inner restlessness in me. I was tired but didn't go to bed. At 6.30pm my friend came in from work and we had a chat. Then another friend arrived with some home cooked food and then more friends arrived and in the end there was one of those rare events in this flat.....a party! I thoroughly enjoyed myself. I was at ease and relaxed. In the past I would have felt uncomfortable as though I didn't fit in. But this time I had a connection. My possibility of fun and freedom was in full flow and the energy here was lively and playful. I had my promised glass of wine and at one point I looked around at all the people who were there to support me and I felt an overwhelming feeling of love towards everyone.
When everyone left and I was lying in bed looking at my window I was filled with such deep gratitude and I could feel tears stinging at the back of my eyes. Gratitude opens and expands the heart to enable it to awaken. Spiritual consciousness emerges when the heart awakens. This is why gratitude is so fundamental on this path. In those few moments before falling to sleep last night I felt like I was wrapped in a warm electric blanket. I know that I am being held and nurtured by a force which I feel but cannot explain or describe.
This morning I woke up so content. My first thought was 'how can I bring fun and freedom to this weekend' The heaviness and deadness that I wrote about in such a clumsy way yesterday in this blog was gone. I even see the difference in how this blog entry is flowing today. Yesterday it was an effort and a struggle, today it flows. Why is this, the circumstances in my life are not different today than they were yesterday. The difference is that yesterday I lost my Soul and allowed the ego personality to dominate. This was necessary though to do the work in identifying how certain thoughts and stories have the ability to bring me down. It so important at those times to stay steady and trust the process. Everything can seem to be breaking down, all there is, is confusion. Stay steady, it is part and parcel of the spiritual path. The sense of being in a fog will lift to reveal a world much brighter, sharper, more luminous. The dark is necessary to allow the consciousness to expand into the light.
I had a long chat with my friend before she left to attend to her own domestic matters and thanked her so much for all her help during the week. I didn't say it to her but I know that the efforts she made for me this week will not go unrewarded. Not because it was me she helped but because the act of forgetting herself to ensure another was looked after is never ignored. This is a universal law which always and ever works. The frustration is that it cannot be put under scientific investigation and it's never obvious what the event was which has now reaped something pleasant and unexpected. The law has to be taken on trust and faith.
Two more friends came around and once again the conversation flowed and there was an ease and grace around it. When they left I had this strong yearning to go out for a walk. Yes, I had a view of the trees from my window but I suddenly felt this overwhelming urge to go out. I manoevred myself down the stairs on my bottom, throwing the crutches from the top to the bottom of the stairs. At the bottom of the stairs I hoisted myself upright and was thrilled to bits with myself. I opened the door and slowly began to walk. How beautiful and liberating. Immediately I felt a deepening sense of peace, calm, connection and walking along I thanked the universe for making this possible for me so soon after the operation.
Again I feel the frustration of feeling so much that I don't have the words for. The few words I write don't do justice to the depth of what I feel. I must stress that it is feeling, the mind was quiet, with few thoughts if any. I was lost in feeling, not thoughts. There was this depth and expanse without the consciousness expanding. Yes, I could see everything as separate but underneath that perception of separation is the sure knowledge of unity. The threads that connect and unite are there but they are not visible to our perception. It may be that when the consciousness enters into the kingdom of the soul that the illusion of separateness will be shattered....but for that we shall have to wait and see.
Arrived back from my walk renewed and refreshed but also with a sore foot. Had a brief thought that went 'foolish girl, you overdid it' but immediately dismissed that with my intention of fun and freedom. I had a game with getting back up my stairs using only my bottom. Now I am in my flat writing this blog and I have a nagging feeling that I've sold out on my spiritual journey. I have done this by not speaking openly about it with friends. I have sat and listened to conversations that have revolved around events in the world without making an reference to or bringing alive the inner world. I have no doubt that the source of my rapid recovery is my connection to 'something', so why am I not open about this to people. I think it goes back to not wanting to come across as different, wanting to fit in and not stand out in anyway.
This is shameful given everything that I have been given and continue to be given. I can't help feeling that I am expected to do something but I don't know what this is. If I knew what the key was to unlocking the powerful energies which are contained within each person and I could guarantee that the energies would work in the correct way then this blog would be more definite. The Chinese have a saying 'if the wrong (unprepared body and mind) person uses the right means, then the right means work in the wrong way.
Alice Bailey in her book The Soul the Quality of Life says about this process 'The Ego bends every effort to quicken vibration, and to force the oft rebelling lower vehicles to respond and measure up to the rapidly increasing force. It is largely a matter of increased fire or heat and consequent intensification of vibratory capacity. The egoic fire waxes even greater until the work is done, and the purificatory fire becomes the light of illumination' page 175.
To understand the meaning and significance of this paragraph it is necessary to go outside of the mind. The way that I understand it is that the ego following a time of indulging the personality (physical, emotional and mental) shifts to control the personality. The controlling of the personality quickens the energetic vibration within the body. The stronger the disciplining and purification the more heat is generated and the quicker the vibration becomes. Finally the purification process gives way to the light of illumination, where the familiar is seen in a transformed way. But without the purification process which is about taking responsibility and not blaming others there is no expansion of consciousness. Without this necessary step the ego will serve only the personality and not the Soul. So be glad the day you have sorrow, because it is then that you truly live. Sorrow is an aspect of purification and will in time give way to illumination.
