I work with the best people...

Today was a day spent handing over my work to colleagues who are going to cover for me for the time I am recovering from the operation on my foot. The willingness with which they took it and the concern they have showed to me has deepened my conviction that the Soul is active. Last night I created the possibility of fun and freedom around the operation and life afterwards. I realised that my way of being before I created this possibility was inauthentic. It was a way that was based on voicing fear and uncertainty. It was not truth, but aimed solely to get sympathy from others and for them to reassure me.

The truth is that I don't want this reassurance but I pretended I did. When I saw this there was no beating myself up just the thought 'OK so that's what I was doing, now give it up and create something authentic and powerful'. That's when I created a way of being for myself that is fun and freedom for the next couple of months. When we own our pretence and give it up, then in the space created and the energy that is freed up much more is possible. It takes a lot of digging though to get to this point. I genuinely thought that I was afraid and uncertain but when I examined it and looked at it honestly, I'm not. I acted like this to get the attention and sympathy of others and it is that pretence that had to be given up to enable something greater and more powerful to arise.

This morning I did what I said I would do which was to get up when the mobile alarm went and meditate. What I wrote about the So'ham meditation in my last blog entry was the first thing that came into my mind. I decided to meditate on that. There is something powerful about saying words the mind doesn't understand the meaning of. I wish I could record great explosions of colour or unique insights, the truth is that I can't. I experienced some of the usual frustrations until I heard those authoritative words 'just sit' and that's what I did for 45 mins. It is difficult to explain the nature of this voice. I remember once speaking about this to a psychologist and the more I spoke the more confused he looked until I said about my 'inner voice'. He then sat bolt upright and said eagerly to me 'you hear voices'. I laughed and said 'not like that'. I knew exactly what he was getting at. On hearing this he slumped back dejectedly against his seat.

Eileen Caddy who co-founded the Findhorn community in Scotland claimed to receive guidance from an 'inner voice'. She even wrote a book called 'God spoke to me'. This is a collection of short essays that she claimed to receive through this inner voice. Her inner voice seemed to be a writer, mine is not that free flowing. Maybe that's my rational mind under the influence of my ego personality, not being willing to give up control and write from the formless realm. Sometimes I do but I am aware that it is not often enough. I think what happens is that I read over what I have written and think 'where did that come from, I didn't know that I knew that' and that can be quite scary. Yet deep down I did know it. If I didn't know it I couldn't have written it. It is the perennial wisdom that we all have within us. It is the wisdom of the ages and it lies burried waiting to be re-discovered.

I worked late again tonight and walking home I caught the sunlight in between the leaves and the bark of a tree. I have never seen anything so beautiful and I took a minute to drink it in. I am convinced that nature is the form of the Divine. Everytime we take the time to attend and appreciate some aspect of nature it is honouring the Divine through nature. Each time I do this I feel so close to what I can only call 'something'. I wish in some ways I had the conviction that Eileen Caddy had that her voice was 'God'. For me that doesn't feel right yet there is 'something'. That something is formless, more of an energy that is within. I am aware that my vocabulary is so limited when it comes to giving form in the shape of words to convey this experience. The experience feels like being wrapped in a warm electric blanket. I can see now that whatever darkness I was in has lifted. Everything seems so much brighter, sharper, luminous even than what it was before.

There are definite dark forces on the spiritual path. Not like the concept of the devil caricatured with horns and holding a pitchfork. But there are forces that do not want the transformation from human to spiritual. The kingdom of the human is characterised by inner conflict. When this inner conflict reaches a crescendo then shift happens. I see the resistance that is inherently part of being human as part of that force. It has power until it is seen and accepted and then it changes its form and is not as powerful. It is still there but the recognition and ownership of it has made it real.

When it is made real and brought into consciousness it no longer dominates from the shadows of the subconscious. It's funny how it seems to be words of songs that come into my mind when I am writing this blog. Into my mind has come the words from Chris de Burghs famous song Spanish Train the words are: 'The Lord and the devil are playing chess, the devil still cheats and wins more souls, and as for the Lord, well he's just doing his best'. I remember when I was a teenager playing this song over and over again. I knew that there was something important burried in it but I didn't know what but the fascination was there.

Now to something totally different.....tomorrow will be a strange day for me. It is my last day at work. I have my operation on Monday morning. I have rarely been sick and so for me to 'sick' for 8 weeks is something completely new. When I return to work my team will have moved floor. The seating allocation will probably be on a first come first served basis so the chances of me finding a desk by the window are probably small. But the layout of the floor is different in that there are no high overhead lockers blocking the view. So it's not as important to have a desk by the window.

I think I'll sign off there for tonight....