My street is having a party!

When I went to bed last night I had another episode of my body shaking. This first started at a Reiki session I had in April and was quite intense. Then it stopped and began happening again when I had my car accident. It is part of my commitment to the spiritual path to interpret everything that happens to me within this context. I am not afraid of the inner energies. They have been well written about. Madame Blavatsky in her books 'The Secret Doctrine referred to them as the powers inherent in man. So I have a context or container for these experiences. Fear comes when there is an experience without having an understanding of the possible meaning.

Many years ago when I was walking on a street in London I was hit across the face. There did not seem to be a reason because my bag wasn't grabbed. I was hit for the sake of it. Because I couldn't give the experience a meaning it disturbed me more. If my bag had been grabbed and the guy had run off then I would have had a context that said 'I was mugged'. But in this case my bag was left intact. This unnerved me more than if my bag had been stolen. It is the same thing with experiences on the spiritual path. Great minds have written about the massive power which is contained within all of us. Occasionally I get access to this or more correctly it gets access to me and because I have a context I connect totally with the experience with faith and without fear. The faith comes from the knowledge that it is experiences like this more than any others that shift the consciousness so that it expands to understand more.

I got up early this morning to put this flat into some kind of order for the people who have said they are going to come to visit me after my operation. My flat is filled with books and little else. I wouldn't win any prizes for my interior decorating. None of that was ever important to me. It seemed more important to read and study than to clean and cook. Occasionally I take a notion and blitz the place but that doesn't happen that often. Sometimes when I go to friends and I see how well matching everything is I feel some envy but then I immediately justify the way my flat is by saying inwardly 'if you wrote like I did you wouldn't have time either to be making things mix and match '. But I recognise that this is just my ego that feels threatened and goes on the defensive.

I went to the gym to my group cycling class. Walking to the gym I felt sadness that this would be the last Saturday morning that I would be attending for three months. This is the period I have been told that I will have to be away from the gym. I intended to give the class everything I had in thanks for the powerful meditations I have had while cycling in these classes. The instructor turned off the lights and most of the class was done in the dark. This was just ideal for me. I lost myself. The separation between me, the bike and cycling which is often there totally disappeared and there was only the cycling and the connection.

Afterwards I went for coffee to say my goodbyes for three months. Everyone was so supportive and all the offers to help out with shopping etc were overwhelming and moving. What I saw was how much people wanted to help out and how much they sparkled when they suggested ways they could help me. This operation has given people an access to the Soul which is what is always acting when we go out of our way to help another. In helping another we forget about ourselves.

After coffee I met up with another friend. I made the mistake of speaking to her about the similarities between the way Etty Hillesum the Dutch mystic writes and myself. I should have known better. It sparked off a tirade at how I read something into everything and that instead of shutting myself away reading books I should go out and get a life. Is she right? What is the point in going out if I feel alone when I'm surrounded by people. I was out last night and couldn't wait to get home. It is difficult to get the balance right. The pull of the spiritual is very strong. Particularly after the first experience. It is this experience that shifts the consciousness from the outer material to the inner spiritual. Or to put it another way from the outer world of form, to the inner world of the formless. It is at this stage that the Witness is so important. It is important to prevent the consciousness becoming unbalanced.

It was such a lovely day in London today. Blue, blue sky. At one point the sun was shining through the yellowist of leaves of one tree which was beside the darkest green leaves of another and the contrast was simply breathtakingly lovely. I went out to PC World to get a gadget that will enable me to use my laptop wirelessly so that I can write when I am laid up for four days in bed next week. I brought them home but my lack of confidence in installing anything of this nature means that they are lying in their pristine boxes. Maybe tomorrow I'll see about installing them.

There's a street party in my road this evening. My street is filled with smug marrieds which is why I'm not out there. But sitting here writing my blog I can hear the music and fun that is going on out in the street. It is a lovely thing for people in the street to do to get to know one another. I know that tomorrow there will be people out on the street talking to each other who normally never do. All of this raises consciousness.

I'm still reading the letters and diaries of Etty Hillesum. At 29 she was such a great writer. It is a tragedy that she was gassed at Auschwitz. She says something on page 239 which has made me think. It was 'So many couples rush off to be married at the last moment, in haste and desperation. I would rather be alone and there for everyone'. It was the last three words which seemed to grip me. I wondered if this is the reason why intimate relationships seem to be so fraught for me. That to commit to another means that I wouldn't be there for everyone. I don't know it just struck me for some reason. It also ties in with the concept of the Bodhissatva. This is a Buddhist concept and refers to someone who refuses to leave the world until everybody is relieved of their suffering. To have a purpose this great, surely means one has to remain alone.

What is also amazing is that she admits to experiencing depression. This is something that takes its hold on me from time to time. I often don't know it but will notice that I will eat more and then hate myself for it. Etty says of her depression 'And another thing: I still believe I have an inner regulator, which warns me every time I take a wrong path by bringing on a 'depression'. If only I remain honest and open with myself and determined enough to become what I must be and to do what my conscience commands then everything will turn out alright' page 237. With Etty as with me there is the awareness of the importance of being honest with oneself. She understood that she had a destiny and surrendered to the possibility that wanted her to be greater than she wanted. This is the challenge of the spiritual to go into depths where a huge part of ourselves does not want to go.

Oh well, looks like the party is over in the street. It's ended early enough and tomorrow everything will be back to normal. I have such a lot of things to do tomorrow to get everything prepared for my operation early Monday morning. Today each time I was inclined to allow the feelings of fear and dread overwhelm I thought of my empowering possibility of fun and freedom and immediately replaced the apprehension with this. A friend called me whose mother had the same operation done and she was practical about the implications which I appreciated. I ended that phone call feeling much happier. It will also be the ideal testing ground for me to see if I can do the thing that I most admired in my godmother when she was alive. This is for people to leave visiting me happier than when they came in to see me. If I can do this then I will be very happy and confident that the Soul is growing stronger than my personality which would be pure self-pity if it had its way.

I'll sign off now because I intend to get up early tomorrow morning to meditate.......what is important is not the failing but the beginning again. We can always begin again...and again...and again....it is this that will determine the ultimate outcome.