Today started well when I jumped out of bed the minute my alarm went. I lit a candle and sat down on my stool to meditate. It doesn't get any easier. My mind flits from one technique to another and to watch it is quite fascinating but also frustrating. I was aware of the time and of how slowly it seemed to go by but I disciplined myself to sit there until the 45 mins was up. I don't know what the benefit to me is when my mind is as restless and full of thoughts as it is.
I can see these thoughts as they come and go, but so what. It doesn't stop them or give me the state of absorption whereby there is no separation and everything is One. But I trust that this is the practice. To sit and accept whatever comes as being exactly right. It has always been the same with me. I can quite happily walk outside in a walking meditation. Picking one foot up and then putting it down ever so gently on the earth. In fact I love this form of meditation. That moment of impact when my foot connects with the earth is an incredibly important and powerful moment. It is when I become grounded with the earth that sustains and nourishes me.
I finished meditating and got ready to go to the gym to my usual Sunday class. Where in the past I was looking forward to the gym and seeing this guy knowing that my fantasy is stronger than the reality means that I'm a bit in dread of it this morning. Arrived at the class and he walked in with a big smile. That reassured me that whatever damage my men guards did last Sunday it wasn't lasting. I thoroughly enjoyed the class and gave it everything I had. I will really miss it over the next few months.
I stayed for coffee this week with some of the people from the class and he joined us. We had a good conversation. I told them that I was having an operation tomorrow and wouldn't be around for the next three months. For a few minutes I was the centre of attention and when I was asked for my telephone number to keep in touch he put it in his mobile...yippee!. a result....my men guards were a bit slow this time.
I'm aware that I have been restless today. It is probably the thought of the operation tomorrow. Even though I feel in a good space for it. I've prepared as well as I can and it feels right for me to have it. I didn't manage to get the wireless router working (n0 surprise there then!). I have committed to writing this blog every evening but if there is no entry for tomorrow then that will be the reason. But I intend for there to be something no matter how short.
I was thinking today about the panic which has been caused in London by the mortgage company Northern Rock approaching the Bank of England for a loan. Nothing will strike more fear into the hearts than the threat of losing hard earned money. But it is not the money by itself but what it means to people which is threatened. For some money may mean success, power, having made it; for others it may mean independence. Money is never money for money's sake. It is often a way of defining the personality. It is mostly a tool used by the ego personality to define self-worth. It is precisely at times like this that it is important to hold one's nerve and not to be drawn into mass panic. To think and carefully consider the facts before pannicking and possibly over-reacting. The ego personality tends to act on instinct, the fight or flight response which is a throw back from more primitive times. I feel that coming up to 2012 there are going to be many more wobbles like this. Those who can keep their nerve will emerge stronger as a result.
I'll sign off for now...because tomorrow is a big day for me. I hope to write this blog tomorrow evening but if I don't I will make up for it on Tuesday.....
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