Meditation doesn't get any easier.......

I went to the Modern Meditation evening yesterday and came away more agitated than when I arrived. The session was for and a half and for an hour we meditated. It's been a long time since I meditated for this period of time and my inner voice was begging for some talk to fill the silence, but no talk came. At the meditations which Manuel takes he speaks about consciousness and the brain and what is happening when we meditate and I expected last night to be run along similar lines. It wasn't.

At one point during the meditation I was gripped by a fear, but fear of what? I knew that there was nothing to be afraid of yet this icy hand of fear was real. I couldn't stay with the fear and immediately moved my body to create a distraction. When the meditation was up and we were asked if anyone had any questions or observations, I launched into an aggressive attack about how the meditation didn't work because it was so long without any talk. I spoke about the fear I felt but glossed over it stating how I could have done what I was doing there at home. But while these words were coming out of my mouth there was another part of me saying 'but you know that you wouldn't meditate for an hour at home'. I quickly pushed this thought away and resumed my rant.

The person taking the evening was remarkably calm and started to speak about the content of thoughts not being important. What is important to be aware of the space between and around the thoughts. I suddenly had an insight that space is stillness because stillness has no movement and there is no movement in space therefore space is stillness. This is why every time we become aware of space we also enter into stillness because one is a quality of the other. I was amazed at this insight because I had never thought of it like this before. This is what I came to this evening to get suggestions that trigger my insights, not to sit for an hour discovering yet again how bad I am at meditation.....

But why do I find it so difficult. Another woman who was there also found it difficult and voiced her concerns. The leader turned it back and said that the way we approach meditation and our expectations around meditation are often a mirror for the way we are in life. If the context for how we live life is that it's difficult and a struggle then the experience of meditation is likely to be the same. I'm still mullling this one over.....