Self realization or ego arrogance........

I haven't written a blog entry for a few days now. This is because at the weekend I assisted on one of the programmes run by Landmark. In my last entry I wrote about the dangers involved in having a couple of profound experiences and from them making the leap that this means I know everything. That I have all the answers and everyone in the world should listen and do as I recommend. I was in danger of losing a good friendship with my insistence that a friend should do the weekend Landmark Forum that it was the quickest way of realizing the 'thyself' - one of the three stages of spiritual realization. What I see now is that realizing 'myself' has to take into consideration ego arrogance. Realizing 'myself' naturally results in a desire to share so that others can be touched moved and inspired to realize 'themselves' but the danger is that it can result in thinking that I know better than everyone else. This development is so subtle and can operate under the guise of wanting it for everyone, but in truth wanting it for me so that I can be right about how powerful it is.

I broke down at the weekend because I live away from my family and I took a phone call about a family matter which didn't go well and as a result I was upset. I decided to speak to one of the women who was leading the weekend at a quiet moment. I explained how I always seemed to say the wrong thing to members of my family. I was amazed when she said to me something similar to what I had written about in my last blog entry. She said 'you're pissing everyone off with your self-righteousness'. I was shocked to my core but I will always consider what is said to me through others because to me it is the universe communicating with me through another. I will always know if it applies to me because it will resonate. I was shocked and I looked at her quite confused, she smiled and said 'you know exactly what I mean'. And when I take an honest look at how I have been being with my friends and family, it has been self righteous.

This journey of transformation is not easy. It demands honesty by not pretending to be something I'm not. What is important in this constant monitoring is not to make myself wrong. It is a way of being I had that was hidden from my view. Now that it has been shown to me I have the choice as to whether or not to keep it or give it up. In that choice is power. It is a choice and I am not reacting to something that was said. I am choosing powerfully to give up a certain way of being. It is not who I am it is just a way of being that I created to serve a purpose.

Today I asked a work colleague whether she considered me to be self-righteous. I created as safe an environment as I could by saying that she could say anything and I would be perfectly OK with it. I could tell by how uncomfortable she got that there was a good chance I wouldn't like what she had to say. She began hesitantly 'well...you do tend to think that you are right'. This got me thinking; I am a stand for everyone having a life which is free, powerful and happy, that is my stand and it is non negotiable. It is the purpose of this blog. What I am now struggling with is whether to have the integrity necessary to realise that stand I am required to be self-righteous. This is something that I will have to sit with......