Very restless these days.......

I haven't written my blog for a couple of days because I have been in a mini-breakdown. Since finishing Paul Brunton's book and having a photograph of The Maharishee whose eyes seem to follow me everywhere, I have a deep inner restlessness. I go to work and go through the motions but somehow I'm not there. I am with people and yet feel so alone. It's like I am talking to someone but there is someone else talking with me.

The only relief I seem to get is those moments just before I sleep. Last night I really felt like the physical boundaries had dissolved. It wasn't for very long but for the first time I think I experienced the merging that mystics have talked about. I know that there is something shifting and moving and when it settles down it will be great but right now it is uncertain.... I feel strongly that something has been put in motion that I can't stop, the uncertainty is not knowing what is going to develop. My mind is so full of inner turmoil and yet everything out there in the world continues to work for me. The demons are in my own mind, I am well aware of that. The tension is a kind of push/pull. Wanting to stay in one world and being pulled into another if that makes any sense.

I've stopped going out. I made a choice with the guy who was married that to continue to see him given how strong my feelings are and pretending to be just a friend had no integrity. It would rob me of power because I would be selling out on myself. So we decided to allow him to save his marriage not to have any more contact. This was tough and sometimes I get angry with how important I know integrity to be, but yet how it can't be proved scientifically. Integrity which is a state of being whole complete and perfect has nothing to do with morality. It has to do with whether something works or not. For me it is a law that is just as real as gravity. With the law of gravity it doesn't matter whether you are a good person or not, admired or not. If you go up to the top of a high building and jump, you're going down. It's the same way with integrity, whenever we behave in a way which is not in integrity the natural power we have is lessened. Integrity is not the only thing that is necessary to have a life that works but it is the foundation. A life built from integrity as its foundation is wider and more expansive than a life that isn't.

So I could have kept fooling myself and I knew, like we all know when we pretend that we don't and kept up the charade with the married man. But to do this would rob me of my power and that I will never do. But the cost and there is always a cost in operating from integrity is that the human, ego part of me feels empty. However, I know that this is just that part of me that doesn't want to be different or stand out. I wanted to hide from my destiny (doesn't that sound dramatic!) by finally being in a relationship. But what I see now it that perhaps it was a test for me to see if I was strong enough to put integrity before natural human desire. I feel I have emerged from something quite battered and uncertain but also with the ribbons to go to the next stage. Perhaps this is what the restlessness I am feeling is about.....

I am aware that I am living in 2 worlds which is becoming increasingly uncomfortable. But the turmoil is in my mind. Since I made the choice to put integrity before everything I find I have a straightness and directness in my dealings with people that I didn't have before. I also have a clarity about things which I didn't have before......