Restless after writing the blog today......

It's the early hours of Friday morning but I will post this for Thursday's entry. I found myself so restless at work today. I throw myself into writing the blog and while writing I feel vital and alive. I then go into work and have to struggle through, as is the case today writing the minutes from a meeting on Small Craft!...this is a zillion miles away from where my interest lies. I don't have a boat, I don't know one end of a boat from the other and yet I have to write a report from a meeting where all the members spoke about were the requirements for different parts of a boat..aagh...gives me a new definition and experience of agony.

I wrote very honestly in my blog yesterday and reading back on the entry the enormity of where I am at the moment both personally and spiritually really hit home. I feel like I am at the edge of some precipice. Where there was certainty about what the spiritual path was and its stages, now there is uncertainty as I consider the spiritual path in terms of the simple release of frozen energy. The brain doesn't like uncertainty and my brain is no different. But I know that it is only in uncertainty that the brain is alert and alive. It is similar to the beginner's mind in that in this mind there is no certainty yet there is no fear either. Beginner's mind is a mind that is open and receptive. The uncertainty linked with fear comes in when the evaluative mind with its way of setting one thing against the other comes in. Then there is the uncertainty of not knowing whether we are right and more importantly not wanting to be wrong. This is one of the deepest drivers of us as humans our need to be right at all costs. Uncertainty does not give this reassurance and the brain strives for certainty. This might be why well established theories and doctrines are fallen back on. This reliance on tried and tested methods as a guarantee reduces uncertainty but it also reduces growth and expansion of spiritual consciousness.

To learn to be OK with uncertainty, to give up control to trust in a benevolent force which has our best interests at heart is to commit to the spiritual path. Because there is no container for a spiritual path in the same way there is for a religious path uncertainty is inevitable. There have been many times when uncertainty and confusion is all I have known. Yet now I am so grateful for that depth of uncertainty and confusion because it is in direct proportion to the way life flows and is in harmony today in spite of me feeling I'm at the edge of some precipice. What is most amazing is that I don't feel any stress. I am noticing this more and more especially at work. When I surrender to the uncertainty and don't fool myself that I am in control then life can be as it is meant to be without interference from me. These days I don't force anything.

To some reading this it might seem like a very passive reactive way to live life but I spent years deluding myself that I was in control. I wasn't in control of my birth and I won't be of my death (unless I suddenly manifest a different level of consciousness like some Yogi's did, but I'm not holding my breath for this), so why should I think that I have control over any other aspect of my life. The best compliment I can give is to surrender my control and embrace uncertainty with the faith and trust that life is then free to unfold its magic. I made this decision in 1997 in response to an experience over which I had no control. As the event unfolded I surrendered my control to a higher power, I don't want to label it God because that label has been made to mean different things to many people. I call it simply a higher power. Now whether that higher power is my own consciousness or not, I don't know.

I have never had a visitation from a past Guru or any visits from spirit guides in short no contact from the metaphysical realm which mediums and people like this assure us exists so I can't honestly write about whether or not this realm exists. I write from my own experience and observation, this is the only thing for me that is spiritually honest.

I met up with a good friend last night. I was nervous because when I was recovering from the operation on my foot she came and stayed with me and looked after me. I am a stand for everyone being as free, powerful and self-expressed as they can be. I don't want anyone having any limitations from the past which are stopping them from living the life of a transformed human being. She had come to a couple of Landmark introduction evenings but felt that it wasn't for her. As a thank you I bought her .the Forum weekend. I meant well but what I have learned is that I thought I knew what was best for her and this was not the correct thing to have done. Yes we can be well meaning and intentioned but no two of us have the same DNA therefore no two of us is going to have exactly the same path. From my experience of what is necessary to live a free and powerful life the tools that Landmark provides gives this most powerfully. It is these tools I wanted her to have.

Last night I saw that giving her no choice wasn't right and so I was straight and said that she should only do what feels right for her and not to worry about the money because I could transfer it to another course or get it back. It felt good to be straight and honest and as a result there was none of the tension that had been there over the last couple of weeks as she spent time contacting the office trying to book dates and then having to cancel for one reason or another. For me, it doesn't matter. The intention was good and that's all that matters.

My point in writing about this is to show how easy it is for me to have a couple of experiences and realizations and then think that I know what is best for everyone. I don't. I have some insights and ideas that I am free to write about as I do here. But I should have no expectation or desire that anything of what I write will or should be taken up by others. Expectation kills further progression. I should have known this but the human aspect with an ego that is never truly vanquished appears more subtle the further along the path one goes. This is why extreme vigilance over what I am thinking, saying, writing anything has to be to the forefront of my consciousness.