I was so well ready for my hour of Vortex after the day I had in college. My shorthand reached a new low when not only were we asked how a specific outline might be written but when it was written and on the board, I still didn't understand where it had come from or the logic associated with it. I was definitely on a planet of one when all around me were gasps of 'of course, it's so obvious'...whaat...nuthing's obvious to me. In an effort to be authentic I stuck my neck out and said 'I don't get that'. To which the lecturer wheeled around to the board and with a flourish of the whiteboard pen exagerated the outlines that were on the board, as if the weight of brute force and loud voice would penetrate through the fog of my denseness. There is something particularly lonely about not being able to get something even when told it.
Following close on this was 3 hours of design and production which to be fair wasn't too bad. I still didn't get my copy to line up but at least it looked vaguely the same as everyone elses. I think it worked to have told him about my eyesight disability because he did hover around me but then again I stuck myself right up at the front so where else could he hover! The day over I made my way outside and just outside the college is a beautiful view of rolling hills. I took a deep breath and realised that I only seem to breathe properly and relax when I'm outside. It's like I'm so tense and uptight in any indoor environment and I pretend that I'm not.
I took out my trusty directions that a woman at college had kindly given to me at college and set off to my Vortex healing evening. I had never driven the route before and at the top of the hill my eyes were treated to the most gorgeous view of Brighton. I arrived early and safely at the venue where the healing was going to be held which was in a room in a health f od shop. I walked in and immediately the guy behind the counter was so friendly declaring the food in this shop to be the best in the world. Caught between a mixture of annoyance and admiration at his passion for something he obviously loves doing I had an insight that it is having passion and excitement that makes life work. I saw immediately that it was my identity that is at play everytime I allow the feelings of being alone and separate to operate. I gave all of my irritation about this guys exuberance up and let him lead me in terms of a good healthy drink. I drew the line when he suggested an 'all green' smoothie....I know in my head that it was a good choice but after the day I had it would have all been a bit too much. I opted for a combination of apple, carrot, cucumber and some other bits and pieces. When I walked in I asked first whether the Vortex evening was happening in there. He said 'yes' and then asked me if I had met the woman who was running it. When I answered 'no', he said that she was 'very powerful' and that he was going to part of the group also. He told me that he worked in the area of coaching and other things alternative.
I'm so aware now when I'm writing of the importance of not identifying anyone in case I offend. Yesterday morning I was listening to the radio and there was a debate around writers who use events and people in their lives as fodder for their writing. The debate was whether this was writing or betrayal. For some reason, it stayed with me all day. The concern that I may be unwittingly be betraying people is the reason why I took my picture of the site. My neices heard of the blog and were embarassed because from my picture they could be identified as my family so the picture came off. I will not willingly cause embarassement to anyone. . I was also asked to stop writing this blog but that I won't do because of the purpose I have declared that it has. This blog is not about me, but about a process.
I sat down with my super healthy smoothie and looked at the array of spiritual books that were on the shelves in the shop. Immediately the book 'spiritual nutrition' caught my eye and I picked off this thick tome from the shelf and settled down to read. The author Gabriel Cousens went on to describe the full experience of a kundalini awakening that he got from Shaktipat from a famous yogi. I didn't get to read a lot of it but the gist of it is that nutrition is so important to the continuing development of the kundalini. For the umpteenth time I wondered why when I am so not into all of this that I would have had such a powerful experience when I hadn't spent years watching my nutrition, or doing any of the things which are vital for this experience. I put these thoughts away and returned again to the book. Behind me I could hear the constant echo 'this is the best food in the world' and I had to smile.
The door opened and I heard the name of the lady who was going to do the healing and I stole a look behind me. All I saw was a mane of dark hair as she swept through the shop and went upstairs. After a few minutes I returned the book to the shelf, paid for my drink and made my way upstairs. She met me at the door and established who I was. I walked into a small, warm room and I immediately connected with a statue of the Buddha that was there and I felt an immediate ease and relaxatation. The lady asked me some questions and I told her about the experience and how it had called for me to be at this group. As I was talking she was looking at me very attentively and I knew that it was genuine and I felt so comfortable and safe. She was a woman who was dressed in simple jeans and a jumper. There wasn't anything to resemble anything showy. There wasn't the eastern jewellery which seems to go with the territory of people who do this kind of thing. I know that is a major generalisation from me but I've always felt uncomfortable with people who turn up bejewlled with every semi-precious stones hanging from every orifice. There was none of this with this woman.
The door opened and the guy from the shop walked in. Then another woman. We nodded an acknowledgement to each other. There was one other to come but as it was late she said that we would start. I lay down on the mat and immediately the face of Manuel Schoch came to me and I heard him say 'let go'. I started to practice the going out of the body consciousness he had taught me but my mind was just too active and thoughts came from nowhere. Then I felt hands on my feet and I suddenly felt incredibly hot. She left to go to another person and then suddenly I felt my left arm jerk, then my right and I immediately knew what was going to happen- I was going to start convulsing like I have done many times before, mostly just before I go to sleep. I had a fleeting thought of 'what is she going to think if I allow this to happen' but then I knew that I had to allow it, I could control it, but I had to allow it'. Suddenly I felt my face twitching like mad, this was new and then the convulsing started. I surrendered to it, calming it down when it became too intense. What I noticed that everytime I took a deep breath to calm it down I relaxed much more deeply.
She came over a couple of more times and placed her hands on various parts of my body. When she placed her hands on my stomach I felt this searing pain and the convulsing seemed to begin from the stomach and then extend down my legs to my feet. I was aware of this pain, in fact I was completely conscious of everything that was happening and surrendered to it all. My stomach growled very strongly in spite of having had half a vegetable garden within me. At one point the vibration changed from being quite intense to being quite gentle and it seemed to be circular but then it changed again to the quite violent convulsing. Throughout all of this I didn't see anything in terms of any psychic phenomena, no images of ascended masters, angels. It was all happening within my body.
I was aware that I found the time long and at one point when it was quite intense wanted the evening to end but I put this thought away and connected again with what was happening. I know that there is nothing to be afraid of. I understand the purpose of this, it is the cleaning out of the nervous system. This is its purpose. It calms down and clears out the nervous system. Afterwards I was so unbelievably tired. The woman confirmed to me that I was shaking very strongly and asked me if I was aware of this. I replied 'yes' and said that I go with it and don't resist it. This response met with favour from her and not much surprise which I was pleased about. She said something similar to one of the others so it's not that uncommon which made me feel not so separate. She said that in the next few days things could seem to get very unsettled but just to go with it. I said goodbye to everyone and walked out. I took out my water and drank almost the whole bottle. I was disorientated and really very tired. Where did the absolute tiredness come from.
I stopped off at a cashpoint to get my rent for tomorrow. Afterwards I went into the shop and had a strong urge to buy some nuts and oranges. I felt a real need to ground myself. I don't think I have ever been so tired but I also know that my nerves got a clean out this evening and that can only be good.......on this path the two most important qualities are trust and surrender. If you are not prepared to do this.....don't venture consciously onto the path......
