When overwhelm....is just not funny...

Yesterday, I didn't know my proverbial ass from my elbow I was in so much overwhelm. Even the sight of the sea didn't calm my turbulent mind. I think that had something to do with how cold and bleak it was here yesterday compared to the day before. My overwhelm came when I realised that I have yet to touch my public affairs and law lecture notes. My life and world has become consumed by shorthand. It's a battle between shorthand and me. The anticipation after having had a sentence read out and then having to read it back either out in the class or privately to myself. Our eccentric shorthand teacher has given up looking at my outlines as they resemble the shakiness that is often associated with Parkinsons disease. For some stupid reason I get so nervous. I think it's all about wanting to be in control and in control of shorthand so that it doesn't get the better of me but this only results in it getting the better of me time after time.

What is most frustrating is when I can drill the words I know and then she throws out something that we have to work out the outline for. Aagh...bloody mind blank, panic ensues, have a fleeting idea to go to the loo, steal a look at my colleague but can't make out her outline to copy. I then resign myself to the inevitable of putting down my pen and waiting for her to put the correct outline on the board. I am left with my frustration and a sense of impending doom and the thought.....is it always going to be like this. It is said that at some point it 'clicks' I was told the same with maths and that never clicked.

Yesterday I told the lecturer about being partially sighted and how I struggle with what I call left brain things like computer and logic (shorthand is also logic of a kind, or is this me preparing my defencefor when I fail!). It felt strange saying it because I never said it before. It might have been my imagination but I thought there was a kind of awkward silence, as he gazed down at his sheet of paper which required a cross or a tick. My revelation resulted in the pen suspended above the page without making any contact. After what seemed like an age he suggested I speak to the lecturer who is teaching the design module and see what help is available. I thought I would feel huge relief at this but instead I didn't feel anything.

I was really tired so just did....you guessed it...some more shorthand in the library and then took myself home. Earlier in the day I had called the editor of a mind, body, spirit magazine and asked about the possibility of reviewing my book. I am so grateful for the training I am being given in how to communicate clearly and directly. On the phone call I used one of the distinctions of powerful communication which is 'being of contribution'. I explained how the book would contribute to the magazine. I could tell from her response that she had been listening intently. She gave me the address of the book reviewer for the magazine to send a copy to. Then she gave me the current state of play with regard to magazine publishing. When I also asked her about writing articles she told me that freelancers don't get paid and the only articles they are accepting are one's that advertising can be put against. It appears that the climate is bleak for magazine production. Just today there is the news that ITV are to shed 600 jobs and they attribute the reason to plunging advertising revenue. If this is price that ITV is paying for the decreased advertising revenue, what hope do other publishing houses that rely on advertising to produce their magazine have. This has really brought home to me just how unstable a career in journalism is these days.

Consumed with all these thoughts I went home and posted a copy of my book to go for review. When I checked my email I found an email from the woman who is going to be running the small group on Vortex healing. The email was to let me know that she had found a venue and would be running a 4 week group with no more than 5 people starting next week. For some reason my entire mood changed when I read it. I can't explain the pull to do this work. Since realising for the first time that the experience I had in Devon was that of being drawn into a vortex I have an urgency to understand and experience more. I have never felt so comfortable with labelling the experience as kundalini because I did not experience a lot of the symptoms mostly negative that are associated with the kundalini energy. What feels more honest and authentic is to say that I was drawn up into a vortex of energy. As a result my entire consciousness shifted so that the inner life and what is present at the base of all of our spines has become my consuming interest. I want to be the space that will enable others to have a similar experience and I can only do that if I stop being on the sidelines and go into the action. I don't know what the next 4 weeks beginning on Thursday evening is going to bring but I know the urgency and excitement I feel.

The whole purpose of this blog is to raise awareness of the energy that is at the base of the spine. It is powerful, I am clear about that. It needs to have a clear and unobstructed path when it rises. I would assert that it is the presence of the Vortex which clears the way for the kundalini energy to rise safely and naturally. I only write this blog because of that experience. If I didn't have this experience, there would be no blog. Through this blog I want others to begin to speak about similar experiences and not to hide away. A comment was made to me some time ago to the effect of 'lots of people have these experiences but they don't write about them in the way that you have'. For me, this begs the question why? (Harry, if you're still reading this blog I would love to hear from you or anybody else) !I want to change this. To do this I can only lead by example which is what this blog is about.

I am aware that all experiences are subjective which is why I am struggling to have my book widely promoted because it is mostly about my own personal journey but I believe that it has wider significance and application. Before that experience in 1999 I was just someone interested in Buddhism who had studied for many years and gone on some meditation retreats but really didn't have a clue what what I was doing or to what end. All I knew was that I was powerfully drawn to Buddhism. Then out of the blue comes an experience that completely shifts everything so that life is never the same again and without a teacher to guide, this blog is my attempt both to understand the shifts in consciousness for myself and to inspire others.

But beware, the path is not an easy one. Socrates said 'to thine own self be true' and this is the toughest part of the journey. There is a cosmic battle going on within all of us - a battle between the dark and the light. I say a battle, but it really is a game. But that doesn't take away from the pain when the 2 parts of us, that part that wants us to play big and do big things and our identity that wants us to stay small uses the human consciousness as its playground. The tension that this produces is real. But it's also growth and without that tension we are dead....

I'm now going to leave to go home and this is my favourite time of the day. For the next 20 minutes I will be high on a hill and have a clear view of the sea aagh...why aren't I a creative writer. I know what's playing out here it's my obsesson with being restrained and in control of my writing and my refusal to let go and just write. The price that is being paid for this is the blog isn't delivering all of its potential and who I am selling out to by not just writing without restraint are my loyal readers. But don't give up.....there' s always tomorrow!.......