Wednesday, 4 March 2009

When just not funny...

Yesterday, I didn't know my proverbial ass from my elbow I was in so much overwhelm. Even the sight of the sea didn't calm my turbulent mind. I think that had something to do with how cold and bleak it was here yesterday compared to the day before. My overwhelm came when I realised that I have yet to touch my public affairs and law lecture notes. My life and world has become consumed by shorthand. It's a battle between shorthand and me. The anticipation after having had a sentence read out and then having to read it back either out in the class or privately to myself. Our eccentric shorthand teacher has given up looking at my outlines as they resemble the shakiness that is often associated with Parkinsons disease. For some stupid reason I get so nervous. I think it's all about wanting to be in control and in control of shorthand so that it doesn't get the better of me but this only results in it getting the better of me time after time.

What is most frustrating is when I can drill the words I know and then she throws out something that we have to work out the outline for. Aagh...bloody mind blank, panic ensues, have a fleeting idea to go to the loo, steal a look at my colleague but can't make out her outline to copy. I then resign myself to the inevitable of putting down my pen and waiting for her to put the correct outline on the board. I am left with my frustration and a sense of impending doom and the it always going to be like this. It is said that at some point it 'clicks' I was told the same with maths and that never clicked.

Yesterday I told the lecturer about being partially sighted and how I struggle with what I call left brain things like computer and logic (shorthand is also logic of a kind, or is this me preparing my defencefor when I fail!). It felt strange saying it because I never said it before. It might have been my imagination but I thought there was a kind of awkward silence, as he gazed down at his sheet of paper which required a cross or a tick. My revelation resulted in the pen suspended above the page without making any contact. After what seemed like an age he suggested I speak to the lecturer who is teaching the design module and see what help is available. I thought I would feel huge relief at this but instead I didn't feel anything.

I was really tired so just guessed it...some more shorthand in the library and then took myself home. Earlier in the day I had called the editor of a mind, body, spirit magazine and asked about the possibility of reviewing my book. I am so grateful for the training I am being given in how to communicate clearly and directly. On the phone call I used one of the distinctions of powerful communication which is 'being of contribution'. I explained how the book would contribute to the magazine. I could tell from her response that she had been listening intently. She gave me the address of the book reviewer for the magazine to send a copy to. Then she gave me the current state of play with regard to magazine publishing. When I also asked her about writing articles she told me that freelancers don't get paid and the only articles they are accepting are one's that advertising can be put against. It appears that the climate is bleak for magazine production. Just today there is the news that ITV are to shed 600 jobs and they attribute the reason to plunging advertising revenue. If this is price that ITV is paying for the decreased advertising revenue, what hope do other publishing houses that rely on advertising to produce their magazine have. This has really brought home to me just how unstable a career in journalism is these days.

Consumed with all these thoughts I went home and posted a copy of my book to go for review. When I checked my email I found an email from the woman who is going to be running the small group on Vortex healing. The email was to let me know that she had found a venue and would be running a 4 week group with no more than 5 people starting next week. For some reason my entire mood changed when I read it. I can't explain the pull to do this work. Since realising for the first time that the experience I had in Devon was that of being drawn into a vortex I have an urgency to understand and experience more. I have never felt so comfortable with labelling the experience as kundalini because I did not experience a lot of the symptoms mostly negative that are associated with the kundalini energy. What feels more honest and authentic is to say that I was drawn up into a vortex of energy. As a result my entire consciousness shifted so that the inner life and what is present at the base of all of our spines has become my consuming interest. I want to be the space that will enable others to have a similar experience and I can only do that if I stop being on the sidelines and go into the action. I don't know what the next 4 weeks beginning on Thursday evening is going to bring but I know the urgency and excitement I feel.

The whole purpose of this blog is to raise awareness of the energy that is at the base of the spine. It is powerful, I am clear about that. It needs to have a clear and unobstructed path when it rises. I would assert that it is the presence of the Vortex which clears the way for the kundalini energy to rise safely and naturally. I only write this blog because of that experience. If I didn't have this experience, there would be no blog. Through this blog I want others to begin to speak about similar experiences and not to hide away. A comment was made to me some time ago to the effect of 'lots of people have these experiences but they don't write about them in the way that you have'. For me, this begs the question why? (Harry, if you're still reading this blog I would love to hear from you or anybody else) !I want to change this. To do this I can only lead by example which is what this blog is about.

I am aware that all experiences are subjective which is why I am struggling to have my book widely promoted because it is mostly about my own personal journey but I believe that it has wider significance and application. Before that experience in 1999 I was just someone interested in Buddhism who had studied for many years and gone on some meditation retreats but really didn't have a clue what what I was doing or to what end. All I knew was that I was powerfully drawn to Buddhism. Then out of the blue comes an experience that completely shifts everything so that life is never the same again and without a teacher to guide, this blog is my attempt both to understand the shifts in consciousness for myself and to inspire others.

But beware, the path is not an easy one. Socrates said 'to thine own self be true' and this is the toughest part of the journey. There is a cosmic battle going on within all of us - a battle between the dark and the light. I say a battle, but it really is a game. But that doesn't take away from the pain when the 2 parts of us, that part that wants us to play big and do big things and our identity that wants us to stay small uses the human consciousness as its playground. The tension that this produces is real. But it's also growth and without that tension we are dead....

I'm now going to leave to go home and this is my favourite time of the day. For the next 20 minutes I will be high on a hill and have a clear view of the sea aagh...why aren't I a creative writer. I know what's playing out here it's my obsesson with being restrained and in control of my writing and my refusal to let go and just write. The price that is being paid for this is the blog isn't delivering all of its potential and who I am selling out to by not just writing without restraint are my loyal readers. But don't give up.....there' s always tomorrow!.......


Anonymous said...

Hi Margaret

It's Harry

Yes, I am still reading your blog & following your new life while you do your course in Brighton. I am sorry I haven't posted anything recently, I've been in a bit of a dark place really, I feel worn out with trying to change my circumstances, trying to break out of what feels like a prison. I keep thinking that if I could really accept my present circumstances & life, accept that I am responsible for creating this life & these circumstances, say 'yes' to the present moment, then I will be empowered & start moving forward again. But that's it, I just can't (or won't) accept them because it all feels so wrong. I feel like I do not belong here, so I'm stuck & dis-empowered, a victim! Consequently I don't feel very worthy to contribute much on your very enlightening blog. You seem to have so much energy & enthusiasm to do all these things. I used to be like that, always doing courses, reading loads of books. Hanging out with people like Irena Tweedie. What happened to me?

I know I said I would put a post up about my life training experience & I will. It's one of those things that I have never understood & probably won't mean anything, or be of much interest to anyone else. But I will write it & post it (a bit later) because I would value your input, maybe you have had a similar experience or understand what happened or why. Again I have never met anyone else who has had these experiences & I have never understood why these things happened to me. The thing about that course was it was titled 'Opening The Heart' & that is basically what happened to me. I will just describe my experience of this happening.

I surely can't be alone in this, but it feels like it. I can well imagine you sitting & writing your blog entry & sometimes wondering if anyone reads it because so few people comment I think it's strange that if a lot of people have had experiences such as you & I that they don't talk or write about it. It
just makes me wonder if they really have . I am sure you will agree that it's not really something 'you have', like having a cup of tea, & then forget about it. The experience of a 'kundalini awakening' or 'Shaktipat' experience is one that will change your life forever. You can never turn the clock back after & be the person you were before.

As you say in your blog:
"The whole purpose of this blog is to raise awareness of the energy that is at the base of the spine." & "Through this blog I want others to begin to speak about similar experiences and not to hide away. A comment was made to me some time ago to the effect of 'lots of people have these experiences but they don't write about them in the way that you have'. For me, this begs the question why?"

I couldn't agree more, & because they don't I can only surmise that they haven't had the experience because it's not something to be ashamed of. I can't believe that anyone would want to keep quiet about it. Even at the Siddha Ashram in Clapham I had the feeling that although the people I spoke to knew what I was talking about, they hadn't had the experience. They were hanging out there because they wanted to get it. Where as I was hanging out there because I had had it & was trying to understand why.

The 'Vortex Healing' course sounds interesting.

I can identify with your blog comment:
"and what is present at the base of all of our spines has become my consuming interest. I want to be the space that will enable others to have a similar experience and I can only do that if I stop being on the sidelines and go into the action."

Ever since I had my shaktipat experience I have had the feeling I have a mission to complete. I feel like an understudy. I felt that somehow I needed to understand this energy & be able to transmit it at will. But it's not that easy. These people who can do these things like Irena or Muktananda have been guided & instructed to carry out this work by their own guru's, teachers etc. I have not.

Also it seems to be the energy itself that chooses who to descend on & when. Chit Shakti, I think it is called, is a supreme intelligence & totally free. I don't even know if these guru's choose who to initiate? I think the shakti works spontaneously through them & through synchronicities people like us get drawn closer to the fire & it jumps like a spark. I know kundalini can be raised by other means, such as breathing techniques & hatha yoga, but it's not the same. It's mechanical & lacks the grace & can be very dangerous. There is magic in this world - synchronicity. For instance this afternoon I was outside chopping wood for my stove & I knew I had to check your blog out, something planted the idea in my head & when I was logging on I knew that you had written something on the page about me & sure enough there it was. Thank you for remembering me. It's times like this that I realise we are all cared for & loved. No one is left behind & forgotten about. Not even me.

I agree with you about the printing of money issue. The system is desperate to cling on to it's power. I think it's too late though, the shift of consciousness will happen, it has to. The resistance that the old energy is putting up will just make things difficult. A bit like me on an individual level refusing to accept 'what is'. I fear it could be a bumpy ride.

All the best for now


Margaret Dempsey said...

Hello Harry

It's so lovely to hear from you and thank you for your interesting and authentic comment. In all of us there is the conflict between our identity and the soul and in you this tension and conflict is particularly strong. Our identity is what causes us to experience pain. The first step to being liberated from such pain is to really know that you are not your identity and start to be honest about what is really going on. The darkness you describe is not who you are, it is your identity putting you into a place where there no chance of freedom. I can really understand the stuckness you are experiencing.

Now, here's the rub and some straight talking from me. Giving such power to the identity is a choice, you are not a victim in all of this. I assert you are choosing to have it be this way to avoid some responsibility. I am a stand that you have a breakthrough in this because of the service and contribution you can be to the world when you do.

One of the most powerful weapons used by the identity is to create an obsession with 'me and my life'. The irony is that life is not about you it is about generating a way of being that makes a difference to other people, and in that you get a life that works. When life becomes about service and contribution to others and not about me and how miserable I feel and how much I don't feel like I belong then it becomes magical as the power of the identity decreases.

This is not to sound sound hard-hearted because I'm not. It comes from wanting to cause a breakthrough for you. But you have to want it more than a drowning man wants air. Ask yourself this question 'what is my payoff for keeping all of this resistance in place'. Once you begin to get honest about what's really going on then shift is possible, before that it isn't.

You talk about wanting to 'change your circumstances'. If there is some support you can get around that then ask people. Tell them that you're feeling stuck and free yourself by the power of communcation.

I have been where you are. This blog is my way of coming to terms with the experience because as you say it's not like having a cup of tea and forget about it'. It was feeling like I was a victim of the experience in terms of not knowing what it is or what I am to do with it that prompted my book and this blog. Victim is just the way it occurs for you, it is not the way it is and this is what I would like you to consider.

I remember you because I have been inspired by your comments. They have shown me that I am not alone in all of this. I too am without a teacher to guide which why it is uncertain. A teacher more advanced might see the stage that both of us are at. But I believe in the old saying 'when the pupil is ready, the teacher will appear. So I will continue doing what I am doing and going where my intuition takes me.

I think it's amazing that intuitively you knew that I had mentioned you on this blog. I invite you to generate again how you felt when you read my request to you to send in a comment. That feeling is WHO YOU REALLY ARE. The identity is there to prevent the consciousness from experiencing such feelings because then they lead to action...the action of making a difference.

Thanks again Harry for your support and for showing me that I'm not alone in all of this.