Monday, 2 March 2009

When the lights are on....but there's nobody home...

The title of this blog entry is definitely the way I felt in college today. The day started off brilliantly with an email from the person I had worked with when I was on work experience saying that she liked the interview I did with the woman who has MS and is going to use it. I was so happy to receive this and dying to tell someone that I went out to the woman of the house here and shared it with her. I was so moved to see how enthusiastic and happy she was for me and in that moment I saw that I am keeping myself small, separate and alone from this family and maybe that is not what they want. Once again my point of view had made it seem that the way to be was to keep myself separate.

It was a beautiful bright sunny day and I got myself ready to go to college to endure the delights of 2 hours of shorthand. I'm still trying to decide about our shorthand teacher. She is what we would call in Ireland 'a character'. One thing I know for sure is that she is not as dumb as she would liks us to think she is. Once she fixes you with her beady eyes there is no escape as she brandishes her whiteboard pen with the verocity of any samurai warrior. Luckily I haven't come under her wrath yet. I don't know what it is about Monday but after the shorthand I just want to have the rest of the day off. Chance would be a fine thing as following close on the heels of shorthand is an hours sub-editing and then 3 hours of feature writing. By the end of most Mondays I have lost the will to live.

I was dreading being given back my copy for the last feature exercise we did in class because I felt that really didn't know what I was thinking, not to mind what I was writing. I had done a review on the DVD The Secret and as I sat at my computer trying to do the next exercise we were given my mind was in turmoil with all kinds of thoughts, none of them powerful or empowering. There seems to be some kind of hierarchical order to him returning the beloved manuscripts to their owners in terms of how good they are. After a long while I was called up for feedback on mine. To my surprise the lecturer had watched The Secret which I was surprised about for some reason I don't know. Then came a similar story 'too flat, needs more spice, lose the restraint...aagh...mind went into orbit. How can it be that this morning I get an email from a magazine accepting an article and this evening I'm feeling like I can't even put words into a sentence not to mind have those sentences be witty and brilliant.

College over for the day I dragged my weary body home. I showered and then went downstairs. Yesterday the family were cooking a traditional meal, I came down stairs and said that it smelt nice. I was invited to have some when it was ready. I said 'yes' But then I went out. For some reason it was bugging me that I didn't get to be my word and when I went downstairs this evening, the woman was in the kitchen preparing dinner. I went to the fridge and busied myself with some carrots. She was very quiet not saying much and I wondered if everything was OK. Remembering my promise to myself to raise it about having said 'yes' to the traditional meal to acknowledge that I had been invited and then had gone out I brought up how I didn't get to taste the food yesterday. This acknowledgement from me totally shifted the energy. She suddenly became so chatty and immediately said 'we are going to have it this evening, have some with us' and that was it. 20 mins later I was sitting down with the entire family laughing and hearing all about life from their different perspectives and it was the most enjoyable 2 hours. From it I saw that it is only my point of view that is keeping me separate and alone in this room. Now I'm savvy enough to know that this doesn't mean that I'm now included in every evening meal, but it means I have a different kind of relatedness to them all now. I won't feel like I'm intruding to start a conversation in the future and that is a great relief.

Today I read something very interesting in the Guardian media. It talked about how writing for niche markets which in the past were looked on as the poor relation when it came to writing for popular newspapers and magazines is possibly where the growth is going to be in this recession especially the business to business reporting. I was encouraged to read this because I feel I am writing for a niche market. Dare I say that it is a spiritual market when I am in a constant enquiry about whether or not I am spiritual, it's maybe not the right word, but it's most suitable for me at the moment. I think that what I bring through this blog is one view of how spiritual development occurs from a grounded and objective angle. I have had powerful experiences that is true and my ability to integrate them so that I can now write as an interested observer makes this an interesting blog, at least I hope it is......

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