Wednesday, 2 December 2009

When I lose sight of.....I suffer

What a different day today was. The minute I got to the gym and started to do my warm-up all of the restlessness that I wrote about disappeared. I was so lucky in that 15 mins after I arrived there was a group cycle class which wasn't full and so I joined and gave it everything I got. I could feel the release of the energy from the base of my spine. I can see now the effects of not taking regular exercise. When I don't I start to have strange thoughts and feelings. My comments about 'dark forces' was the result of this energy turning destructive when it doesn't have an outlet for too long. With this energy there is a fine line between awakened/enlightened and psychotic. This is why the only difference sometimes betweent the mystic and the psychotic is who they spoke to! This is because the rising of this energy stimulates areas in the brain which have been dormant which can result in some strange thoughts unless watched very carefully. I must also be aware of that like Gopi Krishna and BS Goel I am living with a risen kundalini and while my symptoms are not as severe when active there is the potential there for the energy to turn this way. Without vigilance I believe that this energy can turn destructive. Hitler had this energy also but maybe because of a lack of awareness of the need to steer and channel this energy through exercise it took a hold of him in such a way as to cause destruction instead of creation, but to Hitler he was engaged in an act of creation - his own.

I don't know for sure this is true but I know how dark my thoughts were getting until I had the release of the exercise. The restless and dark thoughts started when I realised that because of the evening on mindfulness meditation that was already planned I wouldn't be going to the kundalini yoga class and the darkness was a strong message to me not to neglect the necessity of not letting this energy build up without being released. I remember reading among both Gopi Krishna's and BS Goel's book how both of them felt the need for regular exercise also. I forget or neglect this to my peril and I am determined that I am not going to let it happen. I can't the consequences for me would be too painful. This is not giving me a relationship of fear to this energy and its power, its a relationship of responsibility. I have been given the gift of something so precious and I have a responsibility to do all I can to nurture and nourish it so that it acts creatively for the good of all and not in any other way.

Last week a friend called me to say that she was training to be a natural facelift therapist and wanted some people to practice on and asked me if I would be willing. I immediately said yes because this is a lady who used to give me a lift once a week to a seminar we were both doing. The drive back from this seminar was always the same way she would make a point about something and I would argue and while it never got personal I always felt a strain and tension but we never fell out and we parted good friends and had kept in touch by email. Yesterday when I saw her, it was like I saw her for the first time which is how I notice it is with all my friends. What I also saw though in our conversation for the first 20 mins was how on her guard she was and I thought 'I have made her like that with me, nervous and on edge' yet wanting to have me as a friend and my heart somersaulted with compassion for her. Driven by my need to have an irrational belief that I was in danger in the big people's world confirmed, I trained people around me to be defensive and yet the five year old consciousness which I had was endearing to people which is why I have never been short of friends. I felt such love and compassion for her.

I lay down on the table and she started to massage my face. In the past I have had massage but have never been able to let go and trust. This time I let go so completely that I fell asleep!...totally unheard of for me. She made me a cup of tea and the conversation was so different. I danced with her in the conversation, for me anymore there is nowhere to get to, nothing to prove. I can just be with people loving and connected and the experience for me is so lovely compared to what I have been putting love and connection on top of which is fear. Putting something else on top of something else doesn't work and just left me feeling exhausted and in a permanent state of tension. Discovering what is at the base and disappearing that means that what is then created is new and fresh. I have created the 'big people' now to be my best friends and this is what friends and strangers are beginning to be'.

I came back home, checked some emails. Found still no response from the online freelance journalism site to my article. This has confused me a little because they were so quick in approving my application and gave a commitment to get back within 12 hours and I haven't heard anything. I am away for the weekend so if there's nothing by Sunday night I'll get onto it on Monday morning. I then set off for my evening with Lotus on mindfulness meditation. Following the face and neck massage I was so relaxed and the evening was great. There was a lady there who was a committed Christian and was very much in the 'God provides everything' thinking. For some reason I was uneasy with this. I am the first to say that the gift of spiritual awakening is a gift of grace. But from God I'm not so sure. This doesn't feel right for me. From the Divine yes, but from God hm. God to me is a description of the process of creation. It is an acronym (if that is how you spell it) for how the creation is maintained. G - stands for Generation - so a form is generated whether this is human, animal, plant etc; the O - stands for operation in that the form has a limited life during which it has a number of experiences whether consciously or not and finally D- stands for destruction or the demise of the form. This is just an insight I have had, I don't claim it to be the truth but when I feel uneasy about something inside I always look at this. I think that the Divine uses GOD to carry on the creation and maintenance of life. So if this lady had said The Divine in place of God then this would have sat easier with me.

But there was no mistaking the joy in her eyes and voice when she talked about giving her life over to God. She said something that really resonated. She said 'it's not about me, but God'. Take away the last two words and this is exactly what I believe also. It was only at the point where I gave up that the training I am doing is to make me better, different and is about me being powerful so I can make a difference to others, this is when everything shifted and I got the amazing insight into my tension around adults. While it was all about me and wanting the benefits for myself there was only so much that was available. Shift the context from self to others and everything shifted. This isn't surprising really because ultimately we are all connected. It is only the illusion of separation and so when we make it about others, it becomes about us, because of all of us being connected. But it is stronger when it comes about others and being of service and contribution to others before identifying what's in it for me.

I returned home last night tired but feeling so peaceful and at ease. I will go to the gym tomorrow because I know that this is what I have to do to keep healthy. And then I have some homework to complete before I enter into my third weekend of this training which is genuinely not about me anymore. It is not about my performance for me and to make me more effective. It is about my performance in relation to being effective with others to be able to listen and to reliably deliver support for what they are dealing with and what they care about and in the process leave them with more power, freedom, peace or mind and full self-expression. This it me is what it be of service and contribution.....

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