Today I had my first serious kundalini yoga class. Serious in the fact that it was about techniques to really awaken this energy by use of what are called locks and specific meditations and breathing. I am pleased that the woman who was covering had not gone into it so intensely because I would have been very apprehensive. I wasn't wearing my contact lens for the class (I only have sight in one eye, so I only wear one lens) because I find I can connect better to what is going on within when I'm not distracted by things I can see clearly. I find it easier to go within. When the teacher came in all I saw was this figure in white with a turban who looked roughly the same height as the teacher I knew. It was only when she began to speak that I realised that this wasn't the usual yoga teacher. It is strange how the mind gets used to something and I immediately thought 'this teacher's voice is not as gentle and calm as the other one' and in this I immediately saw the judgemental and critical mind. It was so interesting to observe. The mind hates any kind of yoga or meditation because it sees it as a threat to its existence so to sabotage it will create thoughts that create separation and distance, like it was trying to do with me.
The class started and I knew immediately that this was of a different calibre to what I was used to. Some of the exercises were familiar but this teacher spoke a lot about integrating the energy which is my big concern about practices which raise this energy before it is ready. The impact of rising it prematurely is that it often doesn't integrate with the consciousness. I put all of these concerns aside and for the first time surrendered to the exercises with complete trust and faith in the energy to keep me safe. At one point I felt someone come to sit beside me and as the eyes are closed in kundalini yoga I didn't realise it was the teacher until I heard her gently say 'let me show you how to do this exercise'. I opened my eyes and looked into a pair of the bluest kindest eyes I have ever seen. She smiled and I saw her gentleness. She was a westerner also and her dedication to me not over-exerting myself was so moving. As always, I hated being singled out and when she left my inner voice went on a right rant 'see you're hopeless, you can't even do a simple move without the teacher having to come and show you', but I pushed this thought aside and continued with the exercises.
It's so strange that I have tried other forms of yoga and haven't been able to get on with them at all. They all seem to be about looking good in contorted positions. With kundalini yoga I feel like I am connecting with an old friend and I absolutely love the classes. I feel the benefits in the waves of peace, joy, bliss and calm that will sudden and unexpectedly rise up through me when I am walking. After the class I was going to the changing rooms and the teacher was standing just outside. She smiled at me and before I knew it I was telling her all about the experience I had in Devon and how much of a spiritual ego I had built up around it and of how I had been so apprehensive of kundalini yoga for so long. She seemed to know exactly what I was saying and was very supportive. She spoke about the need to have a teacher and not to keep doing it alone. She also told me about other classes she does and also the teacher training that she does. I explained that I was committed to being a leader for children and young people because I feel that puberty and kundalini are in some way related. I didn't know that I knew this until I said it and then spent a couple of moments amazed that it had come out!
She smiled and said that the kundalini she practiced was also working with children but also with the parents of those children for them to be free so they can parent in a new way. I found all of this so interesting and fascinating. I explained that I was going to Ireland on Wednesday and would be missing two classes. She gave me some leaflets about her training and workshops. We said goodbye and I felt like I had finally found someone who understood the journey I had been on and was still practicing on that journey herself. I feel sure that in the future I am going to do much more with kundalini yoga....this is so bizarre given how reticent I have been about it in the past. But this is the spiritual path, it is about being open and not closed. It is about being willing to trust and have courage. Without courage, this path is not possible. It is also about recognising that the spiritual path is about transformation and never to close off any door permanently. I am aware that I have done a 360 degree turn on my feelings about kundalini yoga but that's OK and is part of the path.
Speaking of courage, I was a chicken when it came to going into the shop to confirm exactly where I stand with my talk and course. It was such a beautiful day and I just didn't have the stomach for it. I will phone her today. My intention is to go ahead and I am creating that this is what is going to happen but perhaps the universe has other ideas for me.
This evening was so beautiful and my flatmate who is just great had put lots of music on my ipod so I set off along the beachfront and went for a long walk. On the way back I caught the sunset and its beauty just took my breath away. I don't know what this Presence or energy is but I know that I am very close to it these days.....
