Wednesday 30 September 2009

Death......has left its mark on me....

Firstly I must say a huge thank you to the brilliant person who invented sat nav. That little piece of gadgetry has given me freedom to travel and be independent. For someone like me who has no sense of direction and would go into orbit when being asked to read a map that little piece of equipment is the same to me as the blind man is about his white stick. It's really improved my quality of life.

I got up early yesterday morning and keyed in the name of the church where my friend was being burried. Delighted I got a postcode so I knew that the sat nav would be accurate. I set off in plenty of time and it was a brilliant sunny day. I felt so at peace and I knew deep down that Tracey has forgiven me for being such a lousy friend. I knew that the church was in Abbess Roding but for some reason when I put in the cost code and Loughton came up I completely forgot about Abbess Roding. I arrived in Loughton at what I thought was the correct St Edmunds church and it looked really quiet to me, but then again I was extremely early. I wanted to be early to make up in a clumsy way for not being there. I wanted to be there early so I could be with her coffin when it was taken out of the hearse.

At about 2.25pm when the funeral was due to be there I began to panic and the horrible thought dawned on me for the first time that maybe I was at the wrong place. I saw a couple of workmen and said to them questioningly 'St Edmunds, Abbess Roding'. One guy said I've seen you around here for a long time, there's nothing happening here today and anyway this is Loughton, not Abbess Roding. I went hot and cold and glanced quickly at my watch...noooo....it was 2.30pm and I was nowhere near where I had to go. Not getting to that church was not an option so I raced back to my car. Rigged up the sat nav typed in Abbess Roding which I should have done in the first place and put my foot on the accelerator and sped off. Luckily the roads around there are similar to the ones in Ireland so I was safe in my manic overtaking. I arrived at the church and was shaking like a leaf. It was a small country church with the entry to go in right in the middle so when I made my grand entrance a myriad of heads turned to look. I stood there awkwardly taking in quickly that there was no-where for me to sit.

Then I caught the stern eye of my former boss who motioned to me that I could squeeze in beside her. She felt me shaking and said 'where were you'. I said 'don't, I've been in the wrong church'. I don't think I have ever felt so stupid in my entire life. I was just in time for the final hymn and the burial of the coffin. I read the tributes that were paid to Tracey in the memorial booklet her husband had done and they were so moving. After reading this the whole enormity of not being there for her even for her funeral was just too much and I broke down and cried. I had wanted it to be so different....or did I. Had I said to myself that I didn't deserve to be at her funeral and then went and sabotaged it. The truth is that I don't know. What I do take from the fiasco is that I am creating being more responsible in the future. If I had been responsible and made sure that I knew where I was going that wouldn't have happened. I was struck as the coffin was being lowered into the ground by the shortness of life, 48 short years, where she made a difference to a few people but in the end was put in a box and dirt was thrown on her face and then we all went and had a drink. Put this way, I know that it sounds callous and doesn't make death glamorous but that is truly how I saw it. Is this the lot of human being, is this the only thing we have been put on this earth for. Surely there must be more.....

I went with the others for a drink and it was lovely meeting some old familiar faces that I hadn't seen for a very long time. After a while I said my goodbyes and left because I had another commitment that evening in central London. Driving to London I suddenly felt so drained and tired. I arrived at the place where I had to and parked up. My mind was still thinking about how I could have been so stupid as to spend an hour and a half at the wrong church. I was still reeling from that. When I finished I came out to the car to find that a kind parking attendant had slapped a parking ticket on my windscreen for parking in a residents bay....it was yet another lesson to me about not being responsible.

I arrived back in Brighton at 2am tired and dejected having set off in the morning feeling like I could do anything......

I woke up this morning with the humiliation of yesterday still uppermost in my mind. I dragged my carcass out of bed and into the shower. I was meeting the lady I met on the train who wants to set up a meditation centre in Brighton in the afternoon and wasn't feeling in a great space for the meeting. But I had given my word and more than anything I know how life works when I honour my word and do what I said I would do instead of honouring my thoughts or feelings. So at 3pm I was ringing the doorbell. The woman came down the stairs and opened the door and when I saw her again I was really glad that I had come. She brought me upstairs to a small but lovely decorated room and we sat down. She explained that she wanted to base the centre on the work of the Buddhist writer Tich Nat Hahn. I had heard of this Buddhist man but haven't read any of his work. She brought me downstairs to show me the room that she is having done up as a meditation room and I could see that while it was still very much in a building state that it had lots of potential.

We went back upstairs to discuss how the centre would happen. The woman came up with a name for it which I liked very much which is called 'Deep connection'. We talked about the importance of setting a date by which the first evening would happen which would give a reason to have everything ready which is Wednesday 4 November.....thank you Tracey...all of this has happened between the days of your death and your funeral.....you will always and forever be in my heart...

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