Wednesday, 25 November 2009

The hard shell of the identity has transformed......leaving the soft underbelly of vulnerability

I woke up this morning feeling incredibly sad,lonely uncertain and insecure. I know without a doubt that the hard shell of my identity which kept in place a
fear of adults has well and truly transformed and in its place is a softness and vulnerability. I have found it very difficult to motivate myself and what was important today was to be my WORD and honour my word and not my feelings or thoughts. The latter were very black but I know that I am not my thoughts and feelings and therefore the only way for me to come through this eye of the needle that I am going through is to be my word.

I had given my word to have a coaching call at 12pm and so I had that. In the morning I went downstairs to make myself a cup of tea. My landlady called me into the room to tell me that she had realised for the first time that she had a choice over how she was feeling. She could choose to be depressed or not. Her face as she told me this totally lit up and I am just left looking at her totally confused. She had seen for herself one of the major distinctions of the training I am doing without participating in the training. It was like the act of just putting the pen to paper and starting the process of registration was enough to create the shift. In the past I would have been so free with an explanation or opinion for her as to what this insight meant for her life but there was nothing there for me, just a numbness an emptiness but also great delight that she had distinguished something that would now give her a power over how life occurred for her that shd didn't have before. I truly understand now the old saying 'that less is more'.

I had been due to meet my friend who I am running Deep Connection with to go to a Toastmasters public speaking meeting. When I lived in London I was a regular member at the West London club and gained my competent communicator certificate before I left. My friend called and explained that she had overbooked herself and was not going. I had a moment of wavering but I felt a compulsion to be my word and to go. I looked for directions on the internet and set off. It was my first time outside and walking along in the brisk wind it felt good and for the first time I didn't feel quite so numb and disconnected.

I arrived at the hotel where the meeting was being held and walked into a room where there were not very many people. I was met by a lovely friendly woman who held out her hand and gave me a firm and warm handshake. Gradually other people trickled in and I was reminded of how friendly these meetings are. The meeting started on time and because there wasn't many people there the few that were there doubled up on roles. As a guest, there for the first time I was asked to stand up and say something about myself. I was amazed at how easy and free I felt when I stood up. I remember all the other times feeling nervous and self-conscious. There was none of that last night. I talked about writing my book and then when the break came I was surrounded by people who wanted to ask me all kinds of questions. There was a lady there who spoke about having the wish to be self-realized and afterwards she gave me a card which is for a charity which works in this field.

What all of this brought home to me was how much I need to network and how good I am when I do it. I am good now because I have no threat of adults. There was also a guy there who specialises in network marketing and after the meeting was over we spoke in the bar and I was more direct and straight asking him how exactly to do things on the internet. I explained about this blog and what it's purpose was and asked him for ideas on how to grow and expand it. In the past I would never have done this. It was rare in the past that I would have gone for a drink after. There would have been a point where my subconscous always present nagging fear of me being in a threatening situation by virtue of all the adults that were there that would have found me giving my apologies and going home. The freedom I feel now is just magical and I can't do enough justice to writing about.

I hope by now that this blog is a good demonstration of what we think are inherent qualities are simply the product of decisions that we made in the past when events in life happened. In that way this blog has served its purpose. The reason these decisions still hang around and impact life in the present and future is because they are not in the past. They lie around until they are distinguished. At the point of being distinguished they are then put back into the past and no longer impact the present. I have had first hand experience of this in the decision I made that adults were a threat. I know that I have laboured this insight in my last few blog entries and I apologise if I am beginning to sound a bit parrot like but I think those who have known me since childhood especially my one special friend I have had since childhood will recognise the significance of this for me.

Walking home afer the meeting I felt so alive. The weather was terrible, it was sleeting rain and yet there was a deep peace and contentment within. I have come through the eye of the needle in terms of the transformation of my identity....and I am sure that there is more to come.....this is why courage on the spiritual path is essential.....

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