Thursday, 19 November 2009

I am a mixture of caution and impatience....not a workable combination

I am preparing for my second workshop on Thursday and at the moment I have nobody booked to come. What I can see is that having resisted doing this work for many years I am now impatient and also cautious for it to happen quickly and to take-off and I find that this is not happening. I think my lack of conviction in the existence of the subtle energy centres called chakras just because it hasn't been proved is limiting me. In truth the only gift I have to offer people is the sharing of the powerful experiences I have had while on meditation retreats and how life transformed as a result. Everything else I say, teach or share is just an opinion or a view. I am also going to look at doing on online certificated course in spiritual counselling because I realise that I am lacking a framework or structure within which to teach/share.

I went to see my good friend Lotus who set up Deep Connection to share her commitment to and practice of mindfulness. How much easier would my path be if I set myself up as a Mahayana Buddhist and started to teach about the sutras which I understand so well. But something in me is resisting this. There is a force which is not letting me give up. Lotus is great in that if nobody turns up then I don't pay her for the space. I can also use the space for one to one counselling which is great. I find myself speaking a lot about the two parts of us that comprise human being and how one side wants to keep us small and ordinary and the other wants us to be powerful and to reclaim our Divine essence which is hidden underneath the constructed identity. I find that when I am speaking about this that my words flow and have power. Yesterday I was engaged in one of these conversations with a colleague who is on the same training course as me and also wants to be a leader for children and young people. She called me because she was challenged by what such training is going to involve and demand from her. As she spoke about all her concerns I was so aware of the efforts her identity was making to throw her off course from experiencing and being her greatness.

What was amazing to me was that I was fine with everything that she said. I realised that all my years fighting not to become an adult has left me quite childlike. It is ironic that I used to think a lot about the sentence 'unless you become like little children you cannot enter the kingdom of God' and so what I thought was a Divine gift - i.e. my childlikenss was in reality the product of a decision I made when I was five that adults were a threat to me and the only way I was going to survive was not to allow my consciousness to grow up. The result of this was that up until a few weeks ago I had a five year old consicousness trapped in the body of a mid 40 year old woman. No wonder my brother said to me in exasperation one day 'you have no idea what you're like'. It must have been so frustrating for my family and friends and once again I thank them through this blog for being there for me.

Last night I went to the gym with the girl whose room I took and it was lovely. I had never done this when I was younger preferring to be on my own. She is so much younger than me but swimming in the pool and chatting in the steam room and then coming back to hers to have dinner and give ideas on the new flat that she has just bought I was aware of a deep and profound gratitude that I could be as happy, relaxed and playful as I was. Gone was that nagging tension that had always been with me and that I couldn't put my finger on. Now I look forward to meeting and speaking with people. I was in the launderette the other day and I started chatting to this guy who told me that he had been a Hare Krishna for many years and we had an amazing conversation about Krishna consciousness and what it meant.

The power of seeing the event which shaped the constructed identity cannot be underestimated in terms of being able to peel away the layers of the constructed identity like the layers of an onion. I had often heard this onion analogy but hadn't really understood it or how it I do and every morning I wake up so utterly and profoundly grateful to have the freedom I now be excited and playful about life and who I am going to meet today......

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