Wednesday, 22 July 2009

Feeling both...scared and excited about tonight

Tonight I give my first talk here in Brighton. I've been so restless and unsettled all day today. Yesterday I tried to get hold of the woman who suggested using a room above a shop for a meditation course to confirm the dates so that I could get a poster designed. I left countless messages and visited the shop three times but the silence has been deafening. What I am getting a sense of is that while Brighton is a good place for things alternative, most have their own clients and I am seen as competition. I supposed I should have expected this. I think what I have to do is to begin to build up a database from giving one-off talks and not saying too much about myself when I book rooms and then when I have enough people interested, then to start a course. It doesn't look like I am going to be given this room above the shop for a course in September.

All this has left me wondering what my purpose is now down here. I'm not going to make any choices yet until I see how this evening goes. There are at least three people confirmed to be there and my commitment is for them to experience a deep inner peace and contentment. I have planned out the format for the evening which is going to be largely experiential because it is experience more than words that shifts consciousness. The only thing words satisfy is the mind and tonight I am committed that each person who is there experiences a glimpse of no-mind. I have no idea how this is going to happen but I am creating that the possibility that those present will experience something they have never experienced before. To be honest I don't even want to do this evening but there is something deep and persistent driving me on. I was going through some stuff earlier and I came across a testimonial page I had for a website I had years ago. Reading again what people said gave me fresh courage. And yet what do I need to have courage about. I had an experience where I touched the presence of love and that is all there is to share. What I have made the experience mean is that the spiritual/mystical path is as real today as it was in the days of Buddha. Why should I need courage to give this encouraging and empowering insight.

I know what is at play here, I still want to play small and not stand out but there is something bigger than me.....that is not allowing that to least not this evening.....

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