There was one person....at the talk last night...

And that person was as important to me as if there were 100. I saw also how much I enjoyed leading a meditation and how relaxed I also became in the process. It was very rewarding seeing how calm and relaxed the lady became. The toughest part of the evening was when the mind awoke sensed the danger to its survival and started plying me with questions about the different traditions and the different kinds of meditation. While I understand how threatening the mind finds this and the way it copes is to try to make something simple complicated, I really had to bite my tongue and give theoretical answers to theoretical questions. In her struggle I saw all too clearly the struggle of human being. I was filled with compassion and gratitude for her. The trust that she gave to me last night, to a stranger, to take her through a guided meditation and be with everything that came up for her took real courage and I acknowledged her for that.

Where does all of this leave me? The only reason why I ever took on this path was to show that I wasn't ashamed of an experience I had and that I would have the courage to share about it. That I wouldn't stay in a job that I felt I had no integrity with and I would stop playing safe and give up everything to take a chance because of the amazing physical, mental, emotional and spiritual transformation this experience provided. I have done that now. Does it mean that my path in life is to share this experience daily on an on-going basis, maybe not. Maybe all it means is for me to be myself and trust that the state of mind will impact on people without me actively going out to make it happen. Does this mean that I am giving up, not at all. The lady last night gave me her email details and I will begin talking to people and see what develops. Maybe the time is not right and what I have to focus on now is getting a job that I will have integrity with and enjoy. That is more important to me than anything, to have integrity in the work that I do because I understand integrity to be the foundation for power.

But I am returning to Ireland for two weeks in August so there is little point in me looking for a job before that. Yesterday I had a look at the Council website and saw that there is a job going for a study support manager to be part of the children's and young people's team and I am going to apply for this. Because I am soon going to be starting my training to be a leader for children and young people it makes sense for me to try to get a job with young people. I feel that I would get good job satisfaction from this kind of position. I will complete the job application today. The interview date is scheduled for 18 August which would be a problem if I was to get selected for interview because I will be in Ireland. But that's a while down the line yet.

I also got the results of my NCTJ exams and I got all of them. A little disappointed with the result for the news exam because it was the module I always performed well in, in class but at least I got it which is a big relief. The choice for me now is whether or not to knuckle down with the shorthand and take the exams again in six months time. At the moment the prospect is not attractive. Finding a job that I have integrity with is the priority now. I can also consider taking up some freelance work, if I put my mind to coming up with some issues for articles.

I haven't heard from the lady about confirming the dates for the meditation course either but now instead of the annoyance I felt yesterday, this morning I feel an ease. Maybe this is not the way I am to use the experience, maybe it is solely for me, a gift of grace which is with me always and which others can feel. If I am to be honest I do feel uncertain and unsure...a kind of dark night for me so it was really reassuring when I read a Tweet from Harry which I hope he doesn't mind but I am going to reproduce here because it lifted my spirits this morning: 'claiming the dark times as grace is the work most of us fail to do. That is the reason there is so much darkness, we need the practice'. And this is so true for me....thank you Harry