Saturday, 25 July 2009

Sometimes.....I really feel like I am going mad

I was very down after my talk and I think I have realised that this is not as easy as I thought it would be. I'm slowly waking up to the possibility that the powerful experience I had on that meditation retreat in Devon was a gift of grace for me alone and I am not expected to do anything with it except to be me. I thought for such a powerful experience which shifted everything a grand gesture was expected of me in return which was to give up a job I had no integrity with to do what I thought had integrity. I know from how much I enjoyed the evening that I had integrity but this is not going to pay my rent so I now have to seriously consider a job and within that to have integrity regardless of whether or not I like it. I think I can do that because the nagging thought of having this experience and not doing anything with it except playing safe in a safe job is not there anymore and I feel much more free.

I am going to do one more thing and that is to make a video of this experience and upload it to You Tube. I met with a friend for lunch who has a small film company and explained to him what I wanted to do and to my delight he has agreed to do it for me. So I am going to write the script and he will record and upload it for me. He is away for the next couple of weeks and then I am away in Ireland for two weeks so it will be almost the end of August before it happens. Having agreed this I felt a great sense of peace and calm come over me. There will be a record and people can make of it what they will. I think video records are very powerful. I came across a You Tube clip of Jane Roberts who channelled a non-physical entity called 'Seth'. Years ago I read all of these books and gained a great deal from them. Actually seeing Jane Roberts channel Seth was a fascinating experience. It was obvious to me that she was channelling unlike some of the modern day people who purport to channel non-physical entities.

After I said goodbye to my friend, I went on a trawl of all the recruitment agencies and everywhere I went, it was the same story. It's grim out there. One agency showed me an A4 page of vacancies and that was all they had. Within that though there was a vacancy for a telephone fundraiser for a charity. This appeals to my sense of wanting to have a purpose and make a difference in my next job. It asked for a 'pleasant telephone manner' which I think I have and with all the training I have received am aware of the human tendancy to make people wrong and so this training will stand to me if I get as far as an interview. Feeling more positive I returned home and emailed my CV over to the agency. An out-of-office response reassured me that the silence would have nothing to do with my ability to do this job. What is also important is that I can have flexi hours so that I can commit to the training to be a leader for children and young people. The study support manager position won't happen because I called up and explained that I would be away for when the interviews were scheduled and would they be prepared to make my interview a week later if I was shortlisted. The lady was very nice but the answer was no so that door shut firmly.

Walking home I saw a gym that is only a couple of streets away from where I live. I have often seen it as I passed by but this time the urge was strong to go in and inquire about membership. Since leaving london I haven't gone to the gym even though I have run along the seafront which is beautiful but I don't feel that it's enough. The lady took me through the facilities and I asked to see the studio timetable because my interest is mainly in spin and bodypump. When I glanced at the studio timetable I couldn't believe it when I saw listed among the classes was kundalini yoga - is this why I was drawn so strongly to come to the gym. Is it time for me to put myself in the dragons den because the kundalini is the fire of the dragon. It is what I thought I experienced up to recently. It is unusual for a gym to be doing this kind of yoga and something in me was very strong to sign up. I asked about membership rates and was delighted when the lady told me that there was no joining fee and they were doing a special offer for £50 a month. Living so close I will get the use of it and it will be a welcome release when not so positive thoughts appear in my mind. It will also be very interesting doing the kundalini yoga also. I signed up and requested an induction as soon as possible. The inducation was yesterday and afterwards I spent two hours there, running and doing a bodypump class and I felt so good afterwards. I did another bodypump class this morning and will be doing my first kundalini yoga class tomorrow morning at 10am.

When the fitness instructor took my body weight and percentage of skeletal muscle she was shocked at how fit I am. I can't take credit for this I know that the experience on that meditation retreat renewed me physically. If I hadn't had that experience I am sure that these readings would be the same as the national average. The power of that experience strengthened my body and calmed down my nervous system. As an example the average percentage of skeletal muscle for the average female is 28%, for the average male it is 37%. My percentage is 37.6%. The higher the muscle the more energy that is burned. I take no credit for this it is as a result of the energy that rose from the base of spine on a meditation retreat, went to my brain and came to rest in my heart. It is to this that I give all credit. I haven't been to the gym since I moved from London which is six months so there is something else at play that this has not become fat which is what I think happens when muscles are not exercised

I have some fears about doing the kundalini yoga tomorrow morning but something is also driving me on to do it. It is interesting that the class is first thing in the morning. From my experience of this energy it is more like a fire than an energy and my reservations up to now to not deliberately raise it is that it is incredibly powerful and unless the body and mind are ready and strong enough to receive it, it can lead to all kinds of uncomfortable symptoms. What this rising energy felt for me was like the unblocking of all emotional energy so that life began to flow and had an ease and a grace and my communications with myself and others were magical. I suddenly had an immediate understanding of spiritual truths and there was no longer any learning involved. But nobody has ever told me for definite that this was a kundalini experience which is why tomorrow morning is going to be very interesting.

My apprehension comes from the awe and respect I have for this power. But I must also trust that there is a reason why I am being drawn to it. This is what I mean about the title of this post. Without a teacher or guru and committed to this path I have to be aware and vigilant over messages that come to me from the universe. It is no co-incidence that I live so near this gym and it is offering kundalini yoga as part of the membership. If I had a teacher or guru chances are that it is what would be attempted anyway because it is the quickest way to shift consciousness. What I must be careful of is not to interfere with what the teacher is doing. I may speak with him/her afterwards to see how much direct experience he/she has had. I really can't understand how someone can teach something that h/she has had no experience of. I think if people really understood the power of this energy and what happens when it rises in the mind and body of someone who is not mentally or spiritually strong enough it wouldn't be as common as it is now in the west. The first book I read on this subject was by Gopi Krishna called 'Living with Kundalini' and what I read in that convinced me that this wasn't a fire to be messed with lightly. So.....tomorrow morning will be a test for me.

What is strange also is that after the meditation evening I had half thought that this journey was over. I honestly didn't know what else to do and now here...the next step has presented itself.....or else that is the way that I am now interpreting this strong urge to sign up to be a member of this gym.....

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