I don't cry.....last night I cried....

Last night saw me take my foot off the numbing down of emotional expression. Since getting the insight into how I have confused desire with attachment and have spent many years numbing down desire because of my misunderstanding that it causes suffering, all kinds of other feelings have now been showing themselves. For years I have been unable to have a really good cry and to feel deep pain and sorrow, last night I felt it in all its strength and intensity. I cried for all the years where with desire I could have created such a lot and I cried for how my identity used this to ensure that I wouldn't create anything big or make a difference. Then the feeling changed to one of incredible anger which was also unfamiliar. From it I learned that these feelings are there and it is not necessary for me to do anything with them only allow myself to feel them. They are the energies of growth and by suppressing them in the way that I have over many years nothing amazing or extraordinary has been created. It has all been ordinary because this is the way that the identity has wanted it to be.

Having experienced this outpouring of emotions this morning I woke up scared and uncertain. Not feeling emotion gives a certain level of safety and protection but it achieves nothing. Now I have a choice I can choose to experience every emotion as it comes without numbing it down with food or something else. In my case it has mostly been food. I will feel an emotion and then not want to experience it so I will numb it with chocolate. What I realise now is that I will grow and expand more quickly if when I feel the emotion whether it is happiness, sadness, anger, pain I then choose to feel the emotion and engage fully with it, I will feel fully alive. The idea is to get to the root of every emotion which is a sadness born of unexpressed love. What underlies anger is fear, what underlies fear is sadness and what underlies sadness is love. The purpose of every emotion is to experience love. Unfortunately fear and anger are two emotions which are difficult to be with but unless we can be with them we can never touch the presence of love. When we can sit with and experience fear then we have the experience of sadness, when we can sit and be with sadness then we experience love. This was something which Manuel Schoch my dear friend, mystic and psychic and neuroscientist who died in October 2008 used to say regularly. That the burning desire of all human being is to have the experience of love.

For years I numbed all of these emotions down. The experience I had in Devon with the rising energy opened and awakened my heart so that I had the experience of the presence of love but without me choosing to experience the entire range of emotion which characterises a human being I never had a similar experience. I am clear that in that instance when I experienced the presence of love it was by grace. As a result of this weekend and of choosing to desire and desire openly and intensely I now feel that I will experience more often the presence of love and most importantly that others (which is the sole purpose for any kind of expansion of consciousness) will feel it also. I will see how accurate this is tomorrow night when I give my presentation.

Yesterday a good friend of mine gave to me an ipod on which he had uploaded 26 audio-books on achieving success. This moved me more than anything and was the reason for why finally after years of suppression I allowed myself to cry more deeply. It was his belief in me and what I can achieve which moved me. Running along the seafront this morning listening to the book by Napoleon Hill - Law of success, I realised the importance of courage. I would be lying if I didn't say that I was scared about going out among people and sharing my story but I also understand the importance of courage and of doing what feels right. I don't have anything to teach but I do have something to share. What is going to matter tomorrow night and every night where I share my story is not my words but what experiences those who come to hear me have. For that reason I have decided that I am not going to speak much but offer guided meditation and provide a safe place for people to share their own experiences. My promise is the developing and deepening of inner peace and calm and what I have found is that when people feel listened to and acknowledged that the relief of this begins the process of developing inner peace and calm.

I am also going today to finalise the dates for the meditation course in September. Once I have these then I can put together the different flyers that I need and take it from there. The motivator for all of this is the urgency to begin my training to be a leader for children and young people. I don't need the light for the whole of this journey, all I need is the light for the next few metres ahead. That light will be in the form of actions I will take and in never taking my eye off where it is I want to go and what it is I desire more than anything else.......