Sunday, 18 November 2007

Back on track.....

I think it was fairly obvious by my lack of integrity in not writing a blog entry for Saturday that to continue this blog by solely taking and building on what has been written about before was not going to work long term. I was acutely aware of something being missing. I couldn't shake off the nagging feeling that I was selling out to myself and to anyone who had found that way of writing inspiring.

Yes, it was a safer option for me to focus exclusively on what is already out there in the world and accepted. There is no doubt about that but life is not about playing safe, it is about taking risks for something one cares about. I believe passionately in the shift that is already happening as the consciousness of humanity moves from the human to the spiritual kingdom. It is happening and will accelerate. I have identified this as a blog which will be a record of one womans shift of consciousness. Whether it achieves full spiritual illumination will be a judgement made when I am no longer around. But for me it is the journey and not so much the end result which holds the fascination and magic. It is this journey I want to share with everyone. I don't want to teach. I don't want students. I just want to share so that people might be inspired enough to take this journey on for themselves.

So where am I truly at with my journey. I think it's worthwhile revisiting just why I decided to write this blog at all. The title of the blog is a question to any reader. It asks 'what lies within'? I have talked about the years I spent studying and practicing Buddhism and for all of those years I studied texts that I didn't really understand. Went on meditation retreats that I was completely bored with. Yet, something kept bringing me back. I always had faith that if I just kept going no matter how pointless it all seemed that there was something to be had. I don't know where this certainty came from, it wasn't from having lots of spiritual insights and illuminations or having deep and powerful meditations, it was just a deep inner knowing.

That all changed with a meditation retreat in Devon in Southern England in 1999. At this retreat energy rose from the base of my spine, up to my head and down again. This happened a number of times. I had no fear because I knew that there is nothing in the inner life of the body to be afraid of and I connected totally with the experience. I didn't see anything, it was soley a movement of energy. It is as a result of this experience that my spiritual understandings have become so clear and I receive spiritual insights on a regular basis. It is from this that I understand the power that is contained within all of us. I am no different to anyone else. For a moment I gained an access to 'something' and it is that access I wish for everyone, for the magical and wonderful life it makes possible.

It is also since then that many of the Asperger like symptoms have become stronger. I don't remember being literal when I was younger. I asked my mother and she doesn't remember me being in any way different or there being anything unusual about me when I was a child. Now I wonder whether when this energy rose to my brain that it caused Asperger's like symptoms. I am clear that this energy did rise to my brain. I was a witness throughout the entire experience. The experience can be confirmed by the teachers who were on this retreat and who I talked with in between the meditation sessions when it was happening.

Arrogant as this may read I believe that this experience was the shifting of my consciousness from the human to the spiritual kingdom. This is why I find everything about the spiritual so easy and everything about human so challenging. This view of mine was given more weight after I spoke with my GP about the possibility of getting a diagnosis for Aspergers syndrome. She was great. She listened when I told her about my literalness, my difficulty with intimate relationships and my obsessive study of a subject and said she would do some digging around for me and to come back and see her again next Friday. She's agreed that if there's no service around locally to write a referral letter to the centre that diagnoses mild Asperger's syndrome. I left her feeling the relief that comes when somebody listens and appears to understand.

I still can't shake off the feeling though that the experience on the retreat in Devon did something to my brain. This is a more reasonable explanation. Yes, there might have been some Aspergic tendancies because I have spoken about the poor performance on the IQ tests I did when I was in my final year of secondary school. So there was definitely something not quite right but as the GP said to me 'you wouldn't have got as far career wise as you have if you had this syndrome'. I know she is right but my fear is that my literalness and childlike way is going to get stronger as I get older. Only today in the gym, three children came up to me and chatted freely. There is such a strong connection between children and me, especially younger children. I feel it from them and they feel it from me. It really is very strange......

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