Thursday, 8 November 2007

What was hidden from my view.....

Yesterday because I am writing this blog in the early hours of Friday morning was a much better day. I walked through the park to work and as always the deep peace and contentment that I always feel when I walk among nature lifted my spirits. I even smiled at a couple of people that were passing me as I walked. It is such a lovely feeling to make a connection like that no matter how brief and is a real reminder that beneath the separate human covering is a unified soul. I was upbeat for another reason and that was because I received a phone call from an old boyfriend. I knew this guy many years ago but because of how difficult I find it to form intimate relationships we broke up but he has always stayed in touch. He called me when he was getting married and when he had his first child. Then he had an affair that broke up his marriage and he came to stay with me to try to understand what had happened. He went back to his wife but has always stayed in touch. I always like to hear from him because he has an amazing mind and attitude to life that I find fascinating.

I arrived into work with the idea not to hide in my chair but to have fun with my work colleagues. Most of them were already in when I arrived so I announced myself with a cheery 'good morning'. I was met by a deafening silence. Normally I would have taken it personally but today that was just the way it was and there was nothing wrong. Looking at it like this I had power and was still able to do what I said I would do and that was to have fun. One of the guys said that he was going to go downstairs for a coffee and would anyone like anything brought up. I started to play saying yes, I want a tea, I want the tea bag left in for 2 minutes and then taken out. It was fun and changed the whole energy. I explained that this was me being unreasonable because I wanted to test how life opens up when I go out of my comfort zone of being reasonable and accommodating and be unreasonable. This interested the others and soon all of us were chatting about the power there is in being unreasonable and making unreasonable requests.

I settled down to finish my minutes from the meeting earlier in the week. I am so grateful for my ability to write. I write well which offsets my way of speaking and thinking in a simplistic manner. I had another reminder of this simplicity which could have been embarassing if I had let it be. I had a phone call where the person wanted my email address so that he could send me an email. I spelt out my name using very basic meanings like M - for mother. When the phone call was finished two of my colleagues said to me how that wasn't very professional. My first instinct was to argue but that would only have been me making them wrong and would have come from the ego personality. I am always and ever aware that I have a choice in situations where I become reactive and in that choice is power. I chose to accept what they said and I asked for the alpha, bravo, charlie, system from a colleague who had the entire thing on his computer. He printed it off and gave it to me. I spent 10 mins yesterday learning it and now I know if off by heart.

I had my seminar session after work. This is the main reason for this blog entry this morning. It is the reason why I didn't want to get out of my bed. I didn't feel like it so therefore I didn't want to write it. So why am I here now then. I am writing it because I gave my word to write every day....for no other reason. I can't control how I feel so am I going to be at the mercy of how I feel. Is keeping my word going to depend on how I feel, NO. I can have integrity and do what I said I would do regardless of how I feel. Like thoughts, I have feelings but they are not who I am. Who I am is my Word, this is all I am.

Last night I had another insight and saw something major that has been hidden from my view. I have written about the rift with my brother and how I'm so sad it's happened. I painted myself as the sister who had done everything called up, said I was sorry, said I loved him, blah, blah and then I justified myself for being resigned and cynical that this is always the way it is going to be with him.

What dawned on me in one awful terrible and shaming moment is that I have spent years making my brother wrong. I've made him wrong for having a better relationship with my mum than me. I've made him wrong for having the affection of a little old lady who used to live next door and worshipped my brother. She used to bang on the kitchen window with her walking stick. This was a signal for my mother to go out and collect whatever goodie she had for my brother that was for him and not for me or my other brother. All of this washed over me last night and I felt quite sick. Sick for the hypocrisy I have brought to the whole situation. It is like putting icing on a mud pie - the icing was me congratulating myself for doing everything to heal the rift and justifying myself and making myself right. The mud is the jealousy and making him wrong which had been running in the background every time we spoke.

This is a tough thing for me to share in this blog. Especially because I have identified it and me as spiritual. I wax lyrical about not seeing the personality only the soul. But when it came to my brother I couldn't get past making him wrong. Last night I really saw the impact me being like this must have had on him. It must have been particularly tough on him when we were speaking and he could feel intuitively that while my words were kind that there was a making him wrong that was felt and not expressed. How confusing is that for anyone.

In all of this I am not making myself wrong. It is what was there but deeply hidden from my view. Now that I have seen it I am going to give up this making him wrong. The benefit to me of doing this is that I got to be right and him wrong. I am also giving this up. I am inventing a new way of being with my brother that the next time we meet that he will feel like a younger brother should feel with an older sister. That he has a sister he can count on. Up to now he has only had a sister who he feels he has to be on the defensive with. The shift in my perception that this insight has given to me is a concrete example of a miracle. I feel this shift in every cell of my body and it is a shift that is permanent.

This is the miracle of this work. It is not easy, it takes courage and persistence. I wrote a couple of days ago about being very tired. I knew that it was a tiredness that was of resistance. There was something I was refusing to see by resisting, this was causing me to be tired. This insight was making its way to my consciousness to be seen and resolved, not judged. That part of me that doesn't want to see it is in conflict with my bigger possibility. The result is tired.

All of this is happening because of energy I have freed up by shifting how I look at certain things. A couple of weeks ago I realised that I make things significant and so when they don't happen in the way I want them to I breakdown and get upset. Letting go of this freed energy then goes to bring about the next insight. This frees up even more trapped energy. It is only when all of the energy that is trapped in disempowering thoughts and habits has been freed that creation can begin.

I create on a small scale every time I see something, give it up and bring into being a different way, but to create on a large scale requires the availability of free energy. This is why I persist with this education, it is the best teacher in showing me how I have been put together as a human. It is a fascinating discovery as long as I don't use it as a weapon to beat myself up. There is nothing wrong in the decisions I made that have made me into who I am today, it is just the way it is. Now as each of those decisions come into my consciousness I can look at them and evaluate them in terms of do they still serve me given who and what I want to be. If they do I keep them, if don't I give them up, recognise how I've been stopped by them and bring something else into life.

As I release more and more energy it is likely that deeper and more profound insights will come into my consciousness from the deeply burried unconscious. Now what I have to do to make the transformation come alive is to share it with people, most of all my brother. It doesn't come alive until it is shared. It's major for me sharing this through this blog on the Internet.

As you can imagine I was in another world coming home on the tube last night. For that reason I was glad that I hadn't driven. Last night in bed my body started to shake again. It is a long time since this has happened. As always I stayed totally connected. I find it so difficult to explain exactly the nature of this experience. It is quite violent but afterwards I feel the most amazing peace and calm. It's like all of energy that is blocked is being shaken free, if that makes any sense. I have never read about this so I have no explanation as to why it happens or what its purpose is, I just totally accept it as part of my journey from human to spiritual.

So I've kept my integrity. I've gone against an unrelenting inner voice that has been adamant that I don't write what I wrote this morning. Yet my possibility kept waking me up when I was snoozing quietly insisting 'write your blog'. I am not going to read back over it because there is a real possibility that I will delete everything because then I won't look bad to any readers. But concern with looking good means that I only play a small game. If anything I write about this journey and the way I show how determined the ego personality is not to allow access to the soul inspires anyone reading it to take this on for themselves, then it will be more than worth the discomfort and dilemma's I face each time I sit down to write it.

I'm so glad that it's the weekend. The literal way I interpret everything is now an open secret at work and there is a watching for how I respond to things. This has given me a level of wariness I have not had before. I think that it has also added to the tiredness......

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