Tuesday, 6 November 2007

Savant....close to God...

The words above are the words that came to me when I was showering this morning. They came through so clearly. I was amazed because I had a vague memory of hearing the word 'savant' somewhere before but I did not know what it meant. The words gave me a deep comfort. I knew that they came from some place outside of my mind. It is strange how they came through in an ordinary everyday life event and not via deep meditation. There was only these words, no running commentary just the simple words.

I looked 'savant' up in the dictionary and it said 'a learned person'. I didn't feel that this was the message that was being communicated to me so I looked a bit deeper and did a search on the word on Wikipedia. What I found there was very interesting. In brief savant is from the French savant "knowing". This is so amazing because I have spoken of the spiritual journey as a journey that goes from perception to knowledge or knowing. This I have taken from the Course in Miracles. Wikipedia also identifies 'savant syndrome'. It says 'a savanter is a person of learning, especially one of great knowledge in a particular subject'. I know that in this is a message for me. I'm not sure what it is yet but it has given me great comfort. I know when messages came from my intuition because there is an authority and a strength about them. The thoughts that are in my mind are more relentless, what I often refer to as a rant. This was different.

On past experience, messages from my intuition tend to come through if I am feeling confused and not so sure of what to do. I think this message was given for me not to get too caught up with labelling myself as Asperger's and then giving myself and my life a meaning that revolved around that. I know that there is also the idiot savant but that's not me. I don't have the level of developmental abnormaliites that would put me in this category. Savant is the right word and a title I will be only too proud to accept and honour. I will also study and share to ensure I earn the right to the title. As I write this I am filled with gratitude for this Presence that I can't describe but I know with a certainty that can't be doubted is there. I want to get as close to it as is humanly possible.

I arrived into work with some apprehension about the meeting that was ahead of me. Meetings like this are always fraught for me because it involves setting up the laptop in a different room where the cables are anything but reliable. There's always those anxious moments when I set something up and then wait with a mixture of fear and hope. Today after one false start everything worked OK. For the meeting today my mind refused to function. Numbers were rattled off and I had a job to remember them. Numbers are not like words in that I can't form a picture to numbers. This makes it harder for me to process numbers in a way that stays in my memory. A reminder again of how unsuitable this job is for me. This seems to be something that is happening lately. I have been in this job 6 years and it is only in the last year or two that something seems to be happening that is making this job increasingly incompatible with who I am.

The meeting finished and I breathed a huge sigh of relief. I resolved to do the minutes quickly and then they would be finished. I was aware that during the meeting I had to stifle so mamy yawns that I don't think went down well with all those captains of industry who were sitting around the table. I stayed late at work to take a call from a group member and I was challenged in the phone call it take on making unreasonable requests - one a day for a week. My immediate reaction was to feel resistance. Then all the reasons why I couldn't do that came into my mind. The reasons were perfectly justifiable and revolved around not wanting to put people on the spot so that they couldn't say no, not liking to get a 'no' to the request. But what was at the root of the resistance was the wanting to look good to others. It is my wanting to look good and not wanting to stand out that is at the root of me playing small. My ego personality wants to play small, it protests violently whenever it is disciplined. This protest is felt by me as strong because it comes from a structure that is of my own making. I made it to split off from spirit. To try to convince myself that I was separate and individual from the ground from where I came. The analogy I can use is that of the potter and the clay. I can believe that I am a cup or saucer, individual and separate to everyone else but in essence what I am formed of is the same as everybody else and that is clay. The underlying essence remains the same, it is only the outward appearance that changes.

Today I had a lovely example of how the guy who first brought this tendancy of mine to take everything literally helped me out. The woman who sits next to me was talking about a 'big lady' to this guy. I was sitting listening and trying to figure out 'big' when he looked over at me and said 'obese'. This I understood immediately, there was not the same lack of clarity with 'obese' as there was with 'big' I only had one interpretation for 'obese' whereas I had more than one for 'big' and therein lay my confusion. Now that I can see the literal way operating I am getting quite fascinated with it!

I walked to work today and many of the leaves have fallen off the trees and died. I was thinking about the random nature of all of this. Some leaves don't live a better life than others which is why they remain on the trees longer, it is totally random. What if it is exactly the same for humans. What if what we think is a carefully planned and executed strategy i.e. our death is in reality random. I was struck by this as I was walking through the park and felt the urge to write it. I don't have yes/no, it is like this, or it isn't, but it is something I am going to ponder on and if I get any insights this blog will be the first to have them.......

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