Thursday, 26 February 2009

The cold at college.....has nothing to do with the weather...

It was too much to hope for that what I write wouldn't cause offence and I take complete responsibility for the siberia like atmosphere there is from this woman who I came clean to about this blog and what I have written. I accept that I haven't been responsible in my writing and now I am paying the price. I have always been at pains to write that what I say is only my view or opinion, it is not the truth. It saddens me that something has been made of it to the point that I have lost the friendship of someone I really did value. It makes it awkward at college because there aren't that many of us but all I have to do, like all of us these days, is to stay steady and be in each present moment. Whether that moment is painful or not. Today was a tough day and there was no blog entry last night because I was worried. I knew when this person didn't show yesterday for college that it was in someway connected with this blog and I didn't have the heart to write. I was also preparing for a shorthand exam which we had today.

If I keep going like I am going this blog is going to be my only friend. Why is it that I can be surrounded by people and yet feel so alone. I have this deep deep loneliness and I can't explain what it is or why I have it. I know at the moment that there is a deep inner battle going on within me, I can feel it and also see it because of the witness who watches everything that is happening to me as though it is happening to someone else. This is why I can be so calm with everything that's going on. But my fingers tell another story, my nails are bitten to the quick and they are unsightly. I feel like I am being stretched out on a rack....but for what. I've been here before. I know this dark place of fear and uncertainty and I know that out it will come growth. It is a place where I am alone and nobody can enter. My identity is in full control which is why I am feeling so powerless around everything at the moment. But I trust in the journey I am on and won't resist any of what is happening. What is happening at the moment is exactly what is meant to be happening. The people in my life are there for a purpose and if it is a challenge and I don't know exactly how to deal with the situation I find myself in then this is where I am meant to be.

I had my first shorthand exam today. I studied hard for it and had learned most of the words that were in the book. The lecturer read out the first sentence which sounded familiar and wasn't a problem. Then she dictated a sentence with words that were not in the book aagh....I could feel the anger welling up in me as I rumaged around in my memory bank for information that was not there. It wasn't there because I hadn't learned that word. I was expected to improvise mind went blank, my stomach felt sick and I wished I was anywhere else in the world but sitting at a desk with a reporters notebook, a pen and a blank mind. It's not rocket science to put together a word from the letters that I learned but for me having no past experience of the word or what it looked like, making an educated guess was out of the question. The shorthand finished and I had a splitting headache. I made an attempt at conversation with the person who is obviously upset about this blog and asked whether she was upset about anything. I received the enigmatic answer 'no, should I be' which is total code for 'yes I am'. I didn't pick it up though. All I said was 'no, but I'm not in your head'. This was greeted with a stony stare and skid marks left at the door with the speed with which she took off.

My state of mind after this episode together with the nightmare shorthand exam was not good and I suddenly had such a burning desire to find a window that had a view of the sea. I did this and the moment my consciousness connected with the sea all the turbulence in my mind diminished and I felt once again the deep peace and bliss that I can only get when I allow my consciousness to connect with the beauty and majesty of nature. Being connected to the sea gave me such reassurance and I felt an inner intuition urging me to stay steady, that I have done nothing wrong. I went into my next lecture in a very different frame of mind. This lecture was learning how to design magazine pages and we were learning now to sub writing and fit it onto a page. I really enjoyed this. I got lost a few times because I made changes not understanding what these were and then the copy wasn't the same as everyone elses but in spite of this it was a very enjoyable 3 hours.

So as I write this I would be lying to say that I am not apprehensive about tomorrow. I am so pleased that it is Friday. I have a team meeting in London tomorrow evening and am staying with a friend which will be good. These days I just feel so uncertain that all I want to do is to listen to people. This blog is the sum total of the level of my self-expression these days. I recognise that I am incredibly stuck. But out there in the world the level of turbulence is far greater. So much that was hidden is coming to light and the pace at which it is happening is breathtaking. It is so important to remain steady in the face of it all. It is heralding the great shift that is coming. The old has to go to make room for the new. Stay close to the Source whatever that might be for you. These days I feel much closer to something that I definitely connect strongly with through nature but which is always close to me. The important thing at this time is not to resist anything in what is happening. To resist only makes it stronger.

Last night I did an interview with a woman who has just launched a website for people who are on restricted diets. I was so inspired by the woman because she has been living with MS since she was 20. What inspired me was her love for life and her determination to provide something for those people who are on or cater for people with restricted diets so that they can have the same enjoyable experience of eating as people on non-restricted diets have. Listening to her speak and seeing the passion she has for the website she has just launched awoke something in me. But what.....I have published my book. I truly don't know what is next for me.....

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