Tuesday, 10 February 2009

To be OK with a worst case senario....is to live a life of freedom....

I had my first tutorial today. The purpose was to discuss the 6 feature articles I have to write as part of my journalism portfolio. I experienced the cold, clammy hand of fear as I realised that I don't have a bank of contacts that I can call on for a feature article. One feature has to be an interview with someone of newsworthy quality, another is a analysis feature and another has to be a feature written for B2B or trade magazine. After the tutorial I felt a little deflated at the thought of how much I have to do with everything and how little time I have to do it. I needed to go into WH Smith to get some folders to organise all of the handouts and notes that I am accumulating. There is a free bus that transports the students from my campus on Wilson Avenue to the main campus in the centre of Brighton. The bus driver has to be the friendliest most friendly man I have ever met. He has yet to meet us students being in a bad mood or short or curt with any of us. This is so admirable because he must see so many students come and go and you would think that he would get to the stage where he couldn't be bothered being friendly and helpful but not this man.

This evening he asked me where I was going. I explained that I needed to get to WH Smith. He then said it's late so what I will do after I leave the students off I'll drive as close to WH Smith as I can. This will save you time'. I was speechless at his generosity. I didn't know what to say. He dropped me off with a cheery 'have a great evening and see you tomorrow'. Brighton seems to be filled with people like this man. Every person I have spoken to since I have moved down here have been nothing but friendly and helpful. However I also know that people are to me the way that I am to them. I love people and I will always look to their greatness and I think people feel this when they are around me. I guess I am so aware of the inner conflict between the identity and the soul that I have huge compassion for the human condition.

I went into WH Smith and got all the stuff that I needed and I felt a bit more organised. Then I saw a bus that would take me home and I got on it. A little on into the journey a passenger tried to get off but the bus driver didn't see. This resulted in a barrage of abuse from the passenger to the bus driver which has been the first aggressive event I have seen since I have been here. I had a fleeting thought about getting a story by following the guy who got off the bus but then thought better of it and kept my ass on the seat. The bus trundled on and I suddenly had an idea for a feature which has really excited me. One of the guys on the course is a photographer and he is doing the course so that he can submit photos and copy for stories. He was talking today about taking photos of a yogi who is on Brighton beach every day in all weathers. When he was talking I didn't think of taking it any further. Sitting quietly on the bus I remembered this conversation and I am going to have a chat with him tomorrow about him either taking more photos of this yogi, or the possibility of me using the photos he already has to write my feature which would include an interview.

Elated and happy I let myself into my home here. A couple of days I managed a few words with the daughter and it was lovely. This evening there wasn't that connection which I was a little sad about because her mum told me that she wants to be a writer and I would like to contribute something to her. When I came into my room I saw that I had a new sky box sitting on top of the TV. I couldn't believe this. Earlier in the week I had said that I needed to have access to the news for my course. I hadn't thought anymore about it and then this evening, there is the sky box. Then my heart sank as I saw how she would have seen all of of the electrical sockets I had with printer, computer, phone charger, CD system. I had been given 2 sockets but had brought with me additional leads. The result was that I had so many gadgets plugged in. This is a family who turns off every switch and light when they are not in use. I had everything continuously plugged in. When I realised this, I went somewhere in that I thought 'she is not going to like this and I am going to be asked to leave'. As I had this thought I experienced a moment of panic as I had a flashback of all of the stuff that I have here'. Then I thought 'there's storage units around here, I have seen the adverts' I can put most of the stuff that I have here into storage and use my car to move the most essential of things. Once I had faced this possibility I relaxed and went and had a shower.

After a while I heard activity downstairs. I was here sorting out my files when there was a knock on my door. It was the woman of the house. She came in with a big smile saying that there would be news at ten o'clock. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. I had psyched myself up for a conversation which would result in me having to leave and find somewhere else to live and the truth was that she was concerned that I have what I need to do my course. I get that at some level as a result of the training I am doing in creating the life I want to have that I am making this happen. This woman was so apologetic for coming into the room and bringing the man from sky in also. She was at pains to explain that she came in with him and hadn't left him alone here. I'm sure I was so open-mouthed as she was speaking, I just couldn't take in such generosity to me. I was so overwhelmed. I wonder if I hadn't faced the possibility that I might have to leave whether the outcome would have been the same. By facing up to the worst case scenario and being able to accept it I took away the fear of the situation.

I thanked her warmly and sincerely and I felt a kind of helplessness as to how I could repay such kindness. Last week they sorted out the wireless connection for me which I have most evenings. So I am writing this blog with a huge feeling of relief and also a deep gratitude to the benevolence of the force that is working in harmony with me to begin to create a most magical life. Whenever things like this happen I always take a moment out to thank a force that is bigger than me. I understand that I am co-creating with this force. The power comes because I am conscious of this. Consciousness increases power. I think that this is the secret to having a magical, amazing life....be a creator not a competitor. To create is to be in harmony with this force whose ultimate nature is creation and not competition. It is not competition because there is enough for everyone so what is the point of being competitive. The illusion is that there isn't enough. This is the maya of illusion and deluision and is why it is so important to focus on the reality of abundance and creation and not the appearance of scarcity and competition.

I think that there is some guy who might fancy me at college. He is not on the same course as me but we met going back into town on the bus. Today I was sitting in the foyer having a cup of coffee when he came up for a chat. Then this evening when I was walking out for the bus he was also leaving. When we got to the bus it was full and we had to wait for the next one. He said he was going to ask around for people who wanted to go for a drink over the weekend. I explained that I was going to be in London for my team meeting for the team mangement programme which I spoke to him about. It was interesting because he told me that he is drifting being a guitarist who writes his own music but that he hasn't been successful with it. I told him about what is possible from doing the Landmark Forum in terms of getting an access into a blind spot which is resulting in me having this story around what he can achieve. I get so excited when I see the possibility of someone being able to break away from the ropes that are invisible but bind us so strongly. They bind and rob us of our potential and my stand is that no-one is robbed off their potential which is why I will always speak about the power of this training when I hear someone about to give up on their dream. I won't let this happen. To do this would be to sell out on my promise or being the space where people gain an access to what it is that is blocking them.

We got on the bus but didn't speak. At the college he got off the bus and waited on the pavement. I watched him waiting there thinking 'what is he waiting for'. It was only when the bus pulled off and he waved at me that I realised 'he was waiting for me to get off the bus'. I didn't really know what to do with that thought only think 'something of what I said to him must have been inspiring enough for him to hang around thinking I was also getting off the bus. I don't know if anything is going to come of this because I still have feelings for the guy from the gym but we had an straight conversation before I left where he said that he couldn't promise me anything. In return I said I understood but that I wasn't going to be a nun. He understood and didn't ask me not to. I think it's just a nice feeling at the moment to have the great connection I have with most people at the moment. The only exception to this is the woman on the course. There seems to be an element of competition between us which I can't really explain or understand. She's much better than me at the shorthand and has also more contacts in the journalism world so I don't understand the underhand comments and snipes that I am getting.

If I am to get spiritual about I might assert that her ego senses that there is something different from me that is a threat to her and so her ego/identity lashes out. I don't know this to be true it is something I feel. Even though she snipes tomorrow she will come and sit at the same desk as me for the shorthand that we have early tomorrow morning.

So that's it for me for today. I went through a lot of spaces this evening but at the end of today in fact since I started this course I feel more alive and happy than I have done for months. The happiness that comes from being authentic about who and what I am.