Saturday, 11 August 2007

A day to settle.....

This morning dawned bright and sunny. I went to the gym for my usual Saturday spin. The first thing I noticed was that the usual instructor wasn't there and immediately I was disappointed and irritated. This was before the substitute teacher had even started! Somewhere I had already made up my mind that it wasn't going to be a good class. I accepted this and thought I'll reverse it and enjoy the class. It wasn't that easy, not only was the instructor different but all the exercises were different. This class involved a lot of jumping up and down in quick sucession on the bike. The more we did the more I could see my irritation grow and I was so relieved when the class was over.

Had coffee with some of the people in the gym and the conversation was all about buying new cars and property. I found it all quite empty and found myself gazing out of the window and connecting with the trees. The silence of the trees I found more fulfilling than the chatter of inane conversation around me. But I am aware that this is just another mind set that of judging others and it's not very commendable but it's what I did today. So often I can be surrounded by people and yet feel so alone. Loneliness is part of the spiritual path and has been well documented in spiritual literature. The loneliness of wanting to give something to others and others not wanting it or knowing how to get it. The loneliness of a life which doesn't seem to go the same way as others. This loneliness is something which never leaves. I realise that at the end of the 1st cyle and the beginning of the 2nd that there is a kind of weariness. The journey is exhausting. It's one of constant vigilance over oneself which is exhausting. But I have seen the results it brings in terms of the insights and realizations. I wouldn't change any of it but I do get tired.

Part of the tiredness is the frustration of knowing that I have specific work to do and not knowing what it is, how to go about it or who is to be with me in this work. It's a journey by the alone to the alone.

I am down to do a speech for Toastmasters which is a public speaking club on Tuesday night. I am working from the storytelling manual. I have been thinking of speaking about the parable called 'The Little Soul and the Sun. Neale Donald Walsch narrated it in book 1 of his Conversations with God and it resonated with me. For a long time I refused to read this book because I was incensed that someone could have the kind of communication which Neale claimed to have brought through from God. I was on the bookstall at Alternatives one Monday and the Director picked up the book and said to me 'have you read this' I exploded and said that on principle I wouldn't buy it. So he handed it to me and said 'you're not buying this, I am giving it to you'. I started it that night and to my surprise found it so difficult to put down. Since then I have read it 7 times and each time the truth of what is said resonates. It is from this book that I got my insight of the paradox between the one and the many confirmed.

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