Tuesday, 9 October 2007

Accepting what is.....

I woke up early yesterday morning and meditated. Now I just lose myself. I feel falling into a deep warmth and I relax into that. There are no thoughts. I don't know whether that is due to the confusion and apprehension I feel about going home. I finished the meditation and showered and changed and got ready to leave for Ireland. My inner voice was prompting me to leave early and I could also hear my dad saying when I used to get irritated with his need to be somewhere an hour early 'aren't you as well sitting in the airport as sitting at home'. I heard these words and smiled as I set off.

The journey to Stansted airport was simply beautiful. It was a beautiful sunny morning and the combination of the russet coloured leaves and still water was such that I experienced such peace and calm. Nothing can take that from me and I know that it is a gift of grace for me and for that I am so happy and grateful. To have the eyes to see and appreciate the beauty of nature is to be very close to the Divine. I arrived in plenty of time and checked in without any problems.

During the flight I suddenly felt sharp darting pains in my operated foot. Now the mind started to come into play with thoughts like 'what if you weren't meant to fly' what about if this is going to cause a clot'. I recognised that these were just thoughts. The only power would be what I would give to them so I laughed at them and they disappeared. I think that being willing to face these thoughts head on, not to push them down but to face them and see them for what they are which is false evidence that appears to be real, then you have power over them and they lose their charge.

My mum had told me that she had asked someone to drive with her to the airport to collect me. This was lovely because most of the times before I had to take a taxi and there's nothing like family coming to collect you. This is where I most miss Dad because when he was well he always came to collect me and wouldn't bring anyone else with him. I would come out of the arrivals and see him watching the door eagerly. He would hug me and say how nice it was to see me. We would drive home and stop for a couple of beers in my uncles pub and we would talk. Those couple of drinks we would have before going home were the most special for me. And sometimes we didn't have to speak, we could sit at the bar counter in the most companionable silence. He has talked to me about his life and about his lack of fear about death. He is to me a most special man who has always treated me the same.

This time was different. My mum wasn't watching the doors for me to arrive out. She was chatting to her friend. Immediately my old insecurities emerged about her wanting me to be at home but I see them operating and immediately said 'that is only my story, give it up'. Look at the impact on you of carrying that story, you can't relax and be yourself with your mother. I tapped her on the shoulder to let her know that I had arrived and she got up from the chair and gave me a hug. I am writing this to illustrate the sensitivity of the right brained person which is what I am. It is far more sensitive and reads far more into things than are there. To a left brained person who is more concerned with the practicalities of getting home none of this would even register. To a right brained person like me it is the most important thing, that seeking for reassurance and acceptance.

We got home and had a cup of tea before going into visit Dad in the hospital. Taking the lift to the 2nd floor both mum and me were quiet, lost in our own thoughts. I saw my dad sitting in a chair and the brother who has made it clear he wants nothing to do with me was there. My brother was sitting on the bed with his back to the door so he didn't see us the minute we walked in. I hugged dad and then looked at my brother but he immediately looked down at the bed, so that's that. I felt so bewildered and uncertain and just sat on the edge of the bed and held my dad's hand. A little while later my brother left. I really wanted to follow him out to speak to him but the truth was I was scared. What if I made things worse by doing that. So I chose to leave it alone. Not a very powerful way of dealing with the situation but I honestly didn't know what to do.

Dad asked me about my foot and so I took off the bandage to show him. There was a lovely moment when I put back the bandage and it was a bit twisted, he reached over and pulled it straight. I felt quite overcome. He is a little confused but has moments where he knows where he is. The hardest thing was when we were leaving, he tried so hard to get up from the Chair to come home with us. There was also another lovely moment when my mum was telling him how great he was and then she said to him "you never tell me how great I". My Dad looked at her in such surprise and said 'don't you know how great I think you are'. It was lovely. It's the first compliment I have ever heard my dad give to my mum in all their 40 years of marriage and it laid to rest another story I had about them and their marriage.

We felt promising to come in early today and I am writing this before I go to join mum with dad in the hospital. The dr came around last night and said that the stroke was caused by a bleed into the brain and they would be starting him on aspirin and physiotherapy today. It would be great if the physiotherapy worked because he has the power back in his right arm and leg.
We left the hospital. I was so pleased that he is as good as he is. I imagined all kinds of paralysis and non-speech instead he was just like his normal warm charismatic self.

We came home and a friend of my mothers came to visit which was lovely. Then my other brother and sister-in-law arrived which I was so grateful for. My brothers are close and I thought there was a real chance that my other brother might not have been speaking to me either but thankfully that doesn't seem to be the case. Although I don't want to run the risk of this happening so will keep my distance.

Some other news.....walking out from the hospital my mobile phone rang and it was guy from the gym...yippee!!! who I had given up on...just shows...stop pursuing something and it will come to you. He was surprised to hear I was in Ireland and the circumstances. I said I would call him when I returned to London.

I went to bed last night and cried thinking of the situation with my older brother. It hurts more because we used to be close. When you have something and you lose it and you don't know why, it hurts. I don't want to paint myself as the victim because I know that I am responsible but I don't know how. I think it is related to something he said to me many years ago that I have never forgotten. He turned to me once and said 'you have no idea what you're like do you' and I said 'no', what am I like, tell me'. But he just gave me a long look and turned on his heel and walked out.

This morning was better. Last night I gave my mum a cashmere jumper I had bought for her to cheer her up. It's not easy to get clothes for mum and I have often brought whatever was bought back to Ireland but this time the jumper fitted and was lovely. I had that amazing feeling when you give unconditionally and it was well received. This morning I made her porridge for the first time ever. These are small but important steps for me.

I had better end this for now and go to the hospital. I don't have time to check for spelling mistakes. I think part of my sadness last night was also not honouring my integrity to write every day. I chose not to drive into town last night to write it. That's what I have to take the responsibility for. Visitors or not I chose not to do it...that is me out of integrity and was the reason why I felt so bad.

Now I'm really off......

No comments: