Tuesday, 30 October 2007

When we can't see the bigger picture....

Woke up this morning happy but yet with an urgency to contact the guy from the gym to explain why I had been as cold to him as I had on Sunday evening. The insight isn't real until I do this. Unless I call him up and make my insight come alive, it only exists in my head. It is in the sharing of the insight and its impact on me and him that it comes alive. I resisted this for such a long time. Firstly because I didn't know how what I wanted to say would come out. I also didn't know if it would make any sense to him. One thing I was sure of though was that he was owed an explanation and an apology. One could argue that because I didn't understand what was happening that I have nothing to say sorry for. But this is just me wanting to be right and to look good and also not to put myself in the position of being vulnerable. I can't believe that I made a decision when I was a young child to decide to trust people by how well they did what they said they would do. This was setting myself up for failure on a royal scale and so it has proved up to now. Nobody could live up to this ideal all of the time. As a result all of my relationships were doomed from the start. I can't imagine what the rest of my life would be like if I didn't get this insight. What I am struck by is how hidden and deep this decision has been and how strongly it has impacted on my life and those who I am close to. I know too that this decision and its links with trust would have become stronger as I got older not weaker. I would have been facing a future lonely and alone. Without an ability to trust there is no future other than loneliness.

The effect of this insight was on a par with seeing how significant I make my relationship to food. It had the same resonation to the core of me. I walked to work through the park, with a new and deeper connection to the russset coloured leaves and arrived into work. Immediately I shared the insight with a guy in the office. I don't know if he was a bit uneasy with it but he didn't let me ramble on for too long before he made a stupid joke. This caught me a bit off guard but instead of feeling angry that I had been stopped in mid-flow I just went with it. I can open up the conversation again sometime if needs be. My whole attitude to work has also shifted. On Monday I could barely keep my eyes open I was so tired. I know from experience that tiredness is a form of resistance. I was tired because there was something I was resisting. Something was draining me of energy. That something was the pressure I was putting on myself to maintain the link between integrity and trust when it wasn't a true or real link. The resistance was to prevent me taking on looking at it and the design of human resisting because the ego personality sensed a deep threat to an aspect of its existence. The link was something I made up. It's impossible to continually defend something that is not real. Yet that is what I have been doing for all of my life. I got to see that, see it's unrealness and give it up. In the giving up the energy that was trapped in maintaining that false belief became freed and as a result the tiredness that was so strong on Monday and Monday evening lifted.

I was so happy at work and participated fully in everything that was going on and I became more alive. This is in direct contrast to Monday when I just sat at my desk completely checked out to everything and everyone. At lunchtime I walked outside still savouring the significance of the breakthrough that I had had. But for how many years was this hidden from my view this is both the amazing and scary thing. I had no idea that I had made integrity mean trust. I would write that integrity meant power but the reality for me was that it meant trust. To see that it doesn't mean this at all is just so freeing. Someone can now not do what they say they will do and it won't affect how much I trust them. As a result I won't get upset to the degree that I used to. It will probably still irritate me but I will be able to get over it and it won't dictate the quality of my communication in the future.

I came home and the feeling to call the man from the gym and explain all of this filled me with dread but I knew that I had to do it. He deserves that much. I picked up the phone and he answered, but it wasn't a good time so he said he would call me back. He said 'I'll call you at 9pm, oh no it will be 9.30pm' I had to smile as I got the impact that my obsession with him doing things when he said he would had had on him, he was wary now of what he committed to. I was so much softer when I said 'that's OK whenever you're done there'. He called before 9.30pm! and I was hesitant. I had been so ready when I called him that when there was a delay my inner terrorist had started to go on a rant with thoughts like 'he'll think you're mad, what are you going to get from telling him this, just let it go, you can tell him on Sunday'. With all this going on between my ears and no nice calming three word instructions from my intuition I was nervous when he called.

I began off by saying that my coldness was because I made him wrong for being late and then before I knew it I was telling him everything about how I had made integrity mean trust. And what an unreal pressure I had put on myself and him by doing this. On the phone it was difficult to gauge whether or not he understood. He said he did. It was good of him not to give me a hard time about it. I don't know what happens from here. He was a lesson for me to be able to see this properly for the first time. The correct seeing came from an intense desire to understand what was going on and to give it up. I couldn't have done it without him. For that I will always be grateful to him. I'm back to the gym on Sunday so it will be interesting to see if as a result of this shift there is a deeper connection than there was.

I knew that after getting this insight that I had to make it come alive by sharing it. I want to thank the person who sent me the comment about not limiting my insights to this blog. He also pushed me to do what I knew I had to do which was to apologise and share what I learned. I didn't publish the comment until now because I wanted to address it in this blog entry. Unless insights are shared then they don't come out of the head and are not effective. Sharing them makes them real. I am going to share this at my next seminar session. All during this seminar I have sat rooted in my chair when people have been asked to go up to the mike at the top of the room and share insights and new ways of seeing things that they are getting from the seminar.

A couple of times I have shared on other seminars and each time I've sat back in my chair and wished I hadn't done it. Afterwards my mind was full of thoughts like 'you've made yourself look stupid', why didn't you say what you had prepared to say, what came out of your mouth was a lot of drivel'. As a result of all of this I have rarely shared. What I see now is these thoughts are all the workings of the ego personality. I know this, because they are solely concerned with me and my feelings and how I look to others. This is classic ego personality and up to now it has had the upper hand - well no more. Next week I am going to put my mind up to share even if when I'm called I don't have anything prepared to say. What I understand now is that it is not about me and about how I feel. It is about how what I might say might cause an insight for another. For me to deny someone this because I'm afraid that what I say won't be understood and I won't look good is to make the ego personality stronger and my soul weaker. Spirit only wants a vehicle to fly through, it doesn't care what that vehicle is. This is my commitment through this blog to my session at the seminar. It is also my commitment to weaken further the human structure to allow the spiritual essence from the form to escape. Every time we take on an insight and free up the energy that was blocking the insight from coming into our consciousness is a shift closer to the experience of the spiritual.

This evening I received some sad news from my mum. The wife of my cousin died of cancer this evening. She leaves behind a husband and two boys younger than 10. My heart goes out to those young boys. What are they going to make her death mean. What are they going to decide it means about life. I don't know what they are going to make it mean but I know without a doubt that in their heads they are going to make it mean something. They have to to make sense of it. It is in the nature of human to make things mean something so that we can make sense of the world. My hope is that what they make it mean will be empowering and not disempowering. A mother leaving young boys is particularly tragic because of the well researched bond that exists between sons and their mothers. Mothers will often deny this by saying 'I love of all of my children equally' but it is the attraction of opposites that work to bond sons with their mothers and daughters with their father. I didn't know the mother that well but I know my cousin very well. I can't begin to understand what he is going through. Not so long ago another cousin of mine died leaving 7 children all under 17. These seem particularly tough events. But I cannot see the bigger picture and so am loathe to judge....

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