Friday, 19 October 2007

Those famous last words......

....never again.....I am referring to the effects of all the wine I drank on Thursday evening with the guy from the gym. When I woke up in the morning I was absolutely fine, wrote my blog. My mind was still in a turmoil from recent events that I decided that it would be best for all in London if I didn't drive my car into work. I didn't want to chance walking because of how long it would take so I decided to take the bus. With a mind still in confusion I walked to the bus stop. To my delight my bus was coming down the road. I felt so reassured by this little sign of the universe. I can beat myself up about things I said/shouldn't have said and yet here is the universe making sure that everything still flows. These little signs are so reassuring but one has to be alert and awake to them. I find that when things don't flow for me it is always because of my own actions. The universe never lets me down.

I arrived into work with some apprehension. I was going to speak to people who knew about my past history with the woman at work to see whether or not they would support me if I was going to take it further. I met a couple of people who used to work in the same section as me and her and when I asked them to support me urged me not to take it any further. This was more of a test than anything to see how much backbone people have to take a stand. Yet today I was more aware that all of my upset has been caused by the combination of memory and experience and it is these that is blowing the whole thing out of proportion. Even if they had said they would support me I don't think I would have taken it any further. What was interesting to me was the power that this event had to throw me momentarily off the spiritual path.

I turned on my computer and settled into work. But my mind immediately became hazy. I was reading emails like I was in a fog. My boss came to speak to me to tell me that she had been unable to get me the answers I had asked for about this particular incident but that she would today. She seemed relieved that I was calmer and I didn't tell her that the result of the calm this morning was a steadily increasing hangover! The day though was beautiful in London and at lunch-time I had to get out for a walk. The minute I got outside and began walking beneath trees which had the sun shining thought the russet and golden coloured leaves my mood lifted completely and I had that joy and peace that I can only get by immersing myself in nature.

I arrived back to work in the afternoon still hungover and willing it to be 5pm. I don't like the after-effects of alcohol for this reason. The world loses some if its brightness and sharpness. Usually to have drank as much as I did would have meant that I would have spent the afternoon in bed but for some reason it wasn't so bad. Even though I was tired and hungover I was still looking forward to going to my assisting agreeement because it would be a break from my turbulent mind. I would spend three hours speaking to people about what is possible for them, their lives and those around them from committing to attending seminars on various topics. I knew that following these three hours that I would leave feeling more satisfied and fulfilled than anything else I could do. For this reason I was going to get there no matter what.

I had intended to leave work a little early to ensure that I got there on time. This didn't happen and I ended up rushing (surgeon wouldn't be pleased if he was to read this!) to get the tube. But I needn't have worried. Once more the universe showed me that I wasn't alone and as I got down the last step to the station the train I wanted pulled in. Taking a moment to express gratitude which I have found to be so important in pulling towards me bigger things. I got on the tube. I had to change at another station to catch a different train and once again when I got on the platform the train was coming. The result of this was that I arrived in plenty of time to be in integrity and start my agreement.

When I got into the office and went to the desk where I usually sit I saw that nobody was around and there were no notes telling me what I was to do. Immediately I watched the feelings of irritation rise up and the thoughts going 'I came up here especially and for what','it's not good enough' 'I'm going to walk out'. But I didn't do any of these things I walked up to someone at the desk and asked 'where is the manager'. She told me that he was away on a training day and that someone else would be along to start me off on what I was to be doing for the three hours. This is why assisting is so great. It brings up thoughts that can be looked at for what they are, just thoughts, I saw I had a choice about whether or not I acted on them. I chose not to and in that choosing I know intuitively that my ego personality became weaker and my soul stronger.

The stand-in manager came in and it is practice before starting these agreements to speak about anything that might get in the way of being powerful in the work done during the agreement. I spoke about the trouble I was going through at work and what the woman had done. The response back to me was that I hadn't completed with her about what had happened in the past and this is why it is coming back to me now in the present and possibly the future. To complete in this way means to have a conversation with her about what happened in the past and for me to say sorry! Well as you can imagine my ego personality was not at all keen on hearing say sorry...immediately the mind conjured up all kinds of justifications and explanations for why this was so not the right thing for me to do. All of this was listened to with patience and some amusement and at the end I was asked if I was prepared to go to her and complete the past. I said I would 'think about it'.

I explained that my whole purpose for being here this evening was to get away from the volcano that was going on in my head. I wanted to get away from me and go out and hear the possibilities and breakthroughs that others were creating in their lives. I knew by doing this that the turmoil in my own mind would lessen the more I was present to others. This is a natural law. When we forget ourselves and are honestly and sincerely there for another, we are also there for ourselves. This is because at the highest spiritual level there is no separation. When I show acceptance, love and compasssion for another I show it for myself. This is why when we do something unconditionally for another and are thanked we feel so good.

I was given my task and I couldn't believe it when it was to call people up and speak to them about the romance and relationships seminar that will be starting early in the new year. To give this to me with my track record in relationships and romance was to me God's idea of a joke! It was the last thing I wanted to do. I read the aims of the seminar which were powerful in terms of what can be achieved in a relationship by doing this seminar and felt this pang of something. I thought to myself 'I can do this and not go very deep and that will be OK'. Of course this was inauthentic and it covered up my fear of exploring this area with anyone, let alone people I had never met. I began my phone calls and gradually began to relax and settle into them. I had intended not to read out these objectives because I found them so powerful. Then I made a call and the guy said 'what are the results that I can achieve by doing this seminar'. My heart sank. I realised that I would now have to read out the blurb and I was feeling vulnerable. A mixture of the tiredness and hungoverness that immediately made its presence felt. Or what I see now is that the sudden increase of tiredness on my part was my resistance to reading the words out loud.

I am a good reader. It is the legacy of a lonely childhood that was spent reading the books of Enid Blyton especially her books on life in a boarding school. It was these that resulted in me going to spend from age 11 to 17 in an Irish catholic boarding school run by the nuns. I began reading what this seminar promised for those who committed to do it. To my astonishment I started to stumble over the words and get them mixed up...What was this all about. I am a fluent reader. This doesn't happen to me. It didn't seem to matter to the person on the end of the line because when I had finished he thanked me and said that he had seem something in it that interested him. He asked me to send him the details in the post which I did.

When I put the phone down I sat at my desk trying to figure out or understand why it had been so difficult for me to read the words. Why was it that reading to myself I got the impact but not that strongly, reading aloud was different. It was like hearing my own voice saying these kinds of things made it more real and thus more painful for me. As a result of this I am seriously thinking about doing this seminar in the new year. Even as I write this I can feel the tension in my body and a mind that's going 'you know you will hate that'. I see from this just how strong my resistance is to this entire area. I know from past experience of these seminars that the strength of resistance is directly related to the power of the breatkthrough that is possible when the resistance is seen for what it is, accepted and in that acceptance transformed. But it takes courage which is why this training is such a challenge. It's not easy to shine a torch on those areas that are not working as effectively as they could. I will see things about myself that I probably won't like but I will accept and in that acceptance I trust and have faith based on past experience that out of it will come transformation.

I completed the agreement and speaking with the manager at the end of the agreement which is always done to ensure that the volunteers are not leaving carrying with them any upset about anything that happened during the agreement. I spoke about how much better I felt now than I did when I walked in that evening. I also said though how I had got irritated when I first walked in and saw that there was no-one here and no notes. I was a bit nervous saying this because I'm always a bit wary of the outcome when I am honest about the way I feel. But he completely accepted it and said 'I get that the way the agreeement started this evening didn't work for you and he promised that in the future if he wasn't there he would let me know who the stand-in manager would be. When he said this I felt a huge weight lift. I had been honest with how I had felt and it had been Saying how I felt hadn't resulted in me being made wrong. This produced an incredible feeling.

I could hear my mobile phone going in my bag and thought about breaking off our conversation to answer it. I chose to continue with the conversation and this simple act of not giving into a thought that said 'answer that, it could be important' I went against it and in so doing I maintained my integrity. Walking to the tube I was so happy. Compared to how I began the morning and the quality of the day at work, I walked to the tube still tired but there was also something else there. I listened to the message on my phone and it was from the guy from the gym. He knew that my computer had died and he had called to see what I had done with it ....what about how I am!...maybe I really should do this relationship seminar. But it was lovely to get the call and know that he was concerned. It is only a little thing but to me it was major...

I came home and went straight to bed. When my mobile alarm went off at 4.30am I was immediately wide awake and got up to turn on the laptop to write my blog. I was a little nervous because I didn't have the work laptop home with me. But all was fine and it is working like a dream.....Now I am waiting for the day to begin. I don't know what it is going to bring. I am going to do my assisting agreement in the afternoon and I am excited about this. Sometimes it is a challenge when I get answering machines or ringing tones with no owner but in the main I know that no matter what my state of mind is when I go. When the agreement is over I will have a renewed energy and enthusiasm for life.

This will be so necessary as afterwards I am going to meet friends to will on England in the final of the World-Cup Rugby. I love the atmosphere that is in the pubs around big games like this. Everyone is connected and this is because there is only one thought in everyone's mind today and that thought connects. It is the strength of the connection which binds us all together as one soul. Events like having your team in the final of the Rugby world-cup is a rare and precious event not because of the achievement of having the team in the final but for the bigger purpose of uniting for a short while that which appears to be separate. This is why my consciousness which will be out there in a pub will be drunk on the power of the experience!....and maybe perhaps a little alchohol!....

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