In rawness is authenticity

I went to see the GP today to hand in the letter from the hospital and to get a verdict on my poor swollen foot. With some trepidation I took the car. It was lovely to be once again driving but I noticed that I am more cautious and aware. This was particularly so when I came around the corner of the park and was struck by the beauty of the coloured leaves on the trees. I had such a job to keep my consciousness from expanding. I think this is why in autumn I dislike driving because it is my favourite season of the year. I like to drive if someone else is driving and preferably not talking so I can just lose myself in the beauty that comes before my eyes.

While I was waiting for the doctor to call my name I started reading for what must now be the eighth time the first Conversation with God book book 1. The simplicity if this book and the truth of the insights contained within it never fails to move me. There seems to be something in simplicity and directness which the sacred or that of another dimension responds to. It always seems to be in the sincerest cries of pain and agony, where there is no pretence or ego that answers or solutions appear to be given. In rawness is authenticity. It seems like that it is only when we are stripped bare that the light is shown.

As I wrote the above I was reminded of a book which also talks about this. I have just retrieved the book from my book shelf. It's called 'From Onions to Pearls' A journal of Awakening and Deliverance by Satyam Nadeen. It is the story of a man who was born into a large Irish family. He entered a seminary when he was 12 yearning to be a Catholic priest. He left Catholicism and pursued a variety of Eastern traditions. He goes through the myriad of things he tried in his pursuit of the meaning of life and of God including psychedelic drugs. You name it, he did it. Then he found himself in prison and while there he 'overdosed on a books of a metaphysical and meditational output'. One day he had a realization which was the catalyst for his moment of spiritual awakening. He says on page 12 'It dawned on me that I couldn't know anything about God or the spiritual path with this limited mind, so I just gave it up. With this surrender came the first tidal wave of relief and bliss'. He goes on 'then I was hit by the second phase of this surrender process. Not only didn't I know anything about enlightenment, I couldn't do anything about it either! Once again this was followed by tsunami-sized waves of bliss and relief. The awakening was now complete'.

From this there appears to be two conditions which are necessary for spiritual awakening. First a striving to learn and then a letting go. The skill is knowing when to let go. For me I had done nine years of Buddhist study and practice. I had returned from a trip to India which was to track the life of the Buddha as a thank you for the great things it had given to me. When I returned from India and was wondering whether or not to return to Buddhism or do something different. I heard a direct and specific instruction to give it up. The author of this book did something similar. He realised that he had come to the end of everything the mind could give. The seeds had been sown, there was nothing else he could do. He stopped fighting and in that surrender came the peace and bliss that characterises enlightenment.

The story of Neale Donald Walsch (author of Conversations with God 1) and this man are similar in that both appealed to something from a place of darkness. There was raw pain which was responded to. Both books are simply and plainly written. There are no great philosophical or theoretical principles examined. They are very much ordinary people's books. Yet the Truths which both contain have been written about albeit in different ways down through the ages.

On my way down the steps from the health centre I heard a loud crash. When I looked down a man had opened his car door and hit the back of a bus. Luckily there was nobody hurt . It was all a bit strange though because the man had parked the car just at the bus stop which is something you don't do. I walked up the road a bit and this man said to me 'looks like that was done on purpose, they are on benefit and can claim off the insurance'. I was quite shocked to hear this and thought 'how can this be the first thing that is thought about and is that man happy to be thinking in this way'.

I think this comes back to how we all see ourselves as separate from everyone else. As a result we feel the need to protect ourselves from people. If there was someway of having the direct experience that we are not separated, that it only appears that way then I'm sure the world would be a happier place. But how to give this. Knowing this, as opposed to understanding is not an experience. It is more of a realization. The Truth that there is no separation between me and another is not an experience it is a realization - a knowing that is absolute and without doubt. There is only one Soul that has as its language consciousness. Universal Soul, universal consciousness, no division only the appearance of being divided. My greatest wish before I die is for this Truth of no separation to become proven in reality and to shift the consciousness to a new level.

After this I went to the supermarket. In the doorway a security guard had apprehended a woman with a bag. It turns out that she had been light fingered and had been caught. I stood and watched what was going on for a while and then went on my way. This is what I love about life what I saw today I will never see again. The talks I have had with people today I won't have again. The sights I saw today are a one-off. This is why I am so grateful to life and everything it brings. I am sure that the universe sees this level of appreciation for the play that it puts on for us everyday in the people we meet and the events that happen. The only thing marring our own appreciation of everything is the significance we put on things. I have learned to play with life and with the things that happen. This doesn't mean that I don't take things seriously and when my friends are in trouble and I don't give 100% I do, it just means that I see the drama for what it is, a game of hide and seek by the Self with the Not-Self.

I was going to go out to toastmasters this evening but my foot is sore and it is raining. The last thing I want to do is slip so reluctantly I will stay put for this evening. It is strange not waiting for my friend to come in from work and many times this afternoon I had to remind myself of my possibility of fun and freedom often not to slide into feeling sorry for myself.....