Sunday, 7 October 2007

One important dream.......

Dreams are not something I remember. This morning I woke up and fell back to sleep. I was dreaming that my sister-in-law was pregnant. She told me that she didn't want the baby and that I could have it on the condition that I returned to live in Ireland. I woke up to a ringing telephone. It was my mother in tears telling me that she had brought my Dad a cup of tea and a scone into him in the sitting room and he was unconscious. The ambulance had just left bringing him to hospital.

I reassured her and was as warm as I could be on the phone but my stomach was turning. I immediately turned on the computer and found a flight that will take me home tomorrow afternoon. I have since found out that he has had a stroke. It's not known how serious it is but he is 85. The sense of calm that descended on me is hard to write about. It's a calm and a clarity about what it is that needs to be done. I called my niece who is my only godchild and she was just great. She told me exactly what was so and I felt reassured after speaking with her. It's the not knowing because I am not there that is so frustrating. My cousin who had booked a flight to come and spend some time with me was also brilliant. It is disappointing for her not to coming on Tuesday but she totally understood that my place is with my family. She analysed my dream and it's given me real hope.

I don't know whether or not it is OK for me to fly with the operated foot but I will dose myself up with painkillers and wear a tight bandage so it should be OK. I find it so strange that I never usually remember my dreams and then I dream about something which is home related. My Dad and me are close. We are similar in temperament and it is from him that I learned integrity. My Dad is defined by his integrity. If he says that he will do something then he will do it. I have modelled myself on him for this. It is a closeness that hasn't always been easy on the other members of my family. I think if I had a sister things would have been different. But we get the families where we can grow the most and learn the greatest lessons.

I only have two brothers and unfortunately one has made it clear that he wants nothing to do with me. This saddens me but out of his wish I won't make any effort to communicate with him beyond saying 'hello'. The greatest gift you can give to someone is to let them go. To let them go with a heart filled with love. Not making him wrong for anything that happened in the past. I will let him go but I will always be there if he ever wants me back as his sister. I hope this doesn't read like I'll be big enough to take him back. This is not what I mean but I honestly don't know how to handle the hatred he has for me at the moment. It is the only way I can think of to handle it.

What I would love to do is to take him aside and say 'I know I have hurt you and I am sorry, can we sort it out' but I have tried this and he put the phone down on me. He will always be my brother and I will always love him but I will also respect his wish not to want to have anything to do with me. For this reason this visit home is not going to be easy but I am determined to be myself and am going with the mindset that whatever I am going to face is exactly the way it is meant to be. Even in the midst of understandable sadness I am still going to be my possibility of fun and freedom.

This is the spiritual path to accept whatever IS exactly as it is. It's not easy. I don't want my Dad to be lying in a hospital bed with a stroke unable to speak or move his body. I don't want my brother to not care whether I live or die but what I can do is accept it. In that acceptance I know I have power. There is no power in fighting all of the power comes in acceptance. It is also acceptance that transforms situations. If you come from love it can't fail to transform situations. If it doesn't it's not the love that's wrong it is the pretence of coming from love but in reality coming from somewhere else either resentment or anger. There is nothing wrong in admitting to being scared unsure, what is wrong is pretending that everything is OK when it's not. And it's not that it's wrong it's just not powerful. Pretence also kills communication.

I gave a commitment to write this blog everyday. There is no internet connection at home and my nearest town doesn't have internet either. I will do my utmost to write but it may be that this is not possible. So if this blog goes quiet... I want to say that it's only temporary.