This is not going to be a long blog entry because after being out with a friend for Halloween last night and having too much lager I haven't got up as early as I would like. It was a strange day. I was dreading work because we were moving to another floor. I have made no secret of how I find the work that I do challenging and how sometimes I wish for more of a balance between my left and right brain. Up to now work wasn't too bad because I had a lot of room and my colleagues coudn't hear me when I was on the phone. Today it is going to be so different because in my new working environment we are all much closer together. So there's no more hiding for me. There is no doubt that I am going to find it more stressful. I am going to get dragged into the adult world that I have such a dread of. Jokes are cracked and I don't get them. Yet I am popular! maybe it is because of my inability to respond in a left brained way in a left brained world that makes me a novelty - kind of like a performing monkey! I am still waiting on science to prove my theory about me being right brained. I am sure that all of my stress in life comes from being a right brained woman functioning in a left brained world. How can I write the kind of spiritual things that I do and then be competent in manipulating a spreadsheet!....not possible.
Amongst all the stress of moving my friend who is adopting a baby emailed me to ask me if I would fax a letter to a diagnostics company. I was panicking because I had been moved to one floor and the printer and fax was still on my old floor. I quickly printed off the letter and raced upstairs to retrieve it from the printer. I was relieved when I saw that it printed OK. Then I looked down at the place for the signature. To my confusion she had typed her name differently. I signed with the same name and then faxed it. I carefully keyed in the number and sent the thing through. Then I noticed that a different fax number to the one she had given to me came up on the fax machine. In a flap because of being under pressure as the removal men were waiting to move the printer and fax, I re-keyed in the fax number and sent it through again. The same incorrect number came up. This time I relaxed because I knew not even me could key in the wrong number twice.
Clutching at the paper I returned to my desk on the other floor. I looked at the instructions on the email that I had received from my friend and went hot and cold when there was the instruction for how to sign her name. It wasn't what I had done..aagh...mega headache now at this time. I quickly print off another copy, go back upstairs, find a pen and sign it correctly and then fax it off again. This is three times the same document has been faxed. I can't believe that I could make something this simple so complicated. Sitting back at my desk, my inner terrorist starts with thoughts like 'you stupid thing, now they have three documents with two different signatures', what about if they see this and then don't do what's necessary for her to get this baby'. I was in such a state that I found the number of the organisation where I had faxed the document and spoke to a lady there. She confirmed that she had received all three! pages and I explained that it was only the last one faxed that was to be used. She confirmed that she would use that one. For the first time in one hour I breathed normally! But my headached lasted all day.
It wasn't helped by the closeness of where we are all sitting now. The only saving grace in all of this is that I still have a desk beside the window and when like yesterday I was feeling so tired and overwhelmed I just look out of the window at the kalaidoscope of colour and I know deep down that everything will be OK. I'm feeling like this because I am in a job that doesn't suit me. I knew that particularly yesterday afternoon when I got my own special 'spreadsheet' to monitor. Right brained people hate spreadsheets. At one point the guy came up to ask me about a series of figures and what followed what. I looked at him with such bewilderment that I think he felt pity for me and took it away again saying 'I can do it'. I was so grateful to that soul. I was lucky this time...and up to now. But the nature of what I do is changing and next year will be a defining year for me. If I am still there when I am writing this blog next year then that will be a major achievement.
But tonight I will forget about all of this because I am going to a fireworks display. I have the delight of a child when it comes to fireworks. In the simple firework I see the message that is given to all of us. I have written that from the one comes the many. From the big bang life emerged. Life is nothing more but the experience of opposites. Before the big bang there were no opposites. So there was no concept of up or down, big or small, fat or thin. I say concepts because this is what they are - concepts by which we experience the world. A firework begins as one and then in mid-air explodes into the many. Each of those sparks can seem to have their own individual existence yet they came from the ONE. I am always struck by this so forcefully whenever I lose myself watching fireworks. When I'm watching them I feel very close to how the universe began. I feel close to the presence of something. I have written about this time of year being the time when the veil between the physical and non-physical world is at its thinnest. Maybe this is why fireworks at this time of year hold special significance.
The greatest tribute that I can pay when I am watching the display this evening is to fully connect with what is being communicated through the firework. To let my imagination go and soar with those sparks. To fully enjoy and be present to the experience is the greatest gift we can give.
Life is fascinating. I met my friend last night. This is a friend we means such a lot. We met while I was travelling tracking the life of the Buddha in India and she looked after me when I got sick. When I was recovering from a foot operation she came and stayed with me. I want for her to understand totally how she has been put together as a human so that she can decide whether the decisions she made when she was younger are still powerful in helping her to achieve what she wants to in life. I have often spoken to her about the education I am involved in. While she has always listened politely and has come to a couple of introductory evenings she has never registered to do a weekend. While part of me is saddened about this I was perfectly OK because as a human we have choices and nobody has the right to take away another's choice.
Then one day she was speaking to me about a friend of hers who had just lost her job and didn't know what to do. I told her about the education I do and what I have learned and suggested that her friend might benefit. To my astonishment when I met my friend last night she said that her friend had gone on an introductory evening and had signed up to do the very next weekend! My friend was confused because I don't think she thought her friend would do it. I was delighted because now there is more chance of my friend doing it and as she is so special I want her have access to the best of what is possible in life. I say access because it doesn't come naturally. Having everything you want for yourself and your life takes working at. But if the work is put in with an honest and sincere intention then the results are inevitable.
I wasn't successful in showing my friend what was possible but the opportunity has come via another direction. I was so happy about this last night. It shows that there is always help from the universe whenever the desire is strong enough and it is for the right reasons. The education that I do is not because there is something wrong, or to change or make anything different. It is to get at blind spots that motivate and drive our behaviour that we are not even aware of. I wouldn't have known so much about the way the decisions I made have molded me into who I am if I hadn't done this training. Without a doubt it is the best thing that I have ever done.
I was still thinking about the two young boys of my cousin who have been left without a mother and I felt the most urgent desire to do something. In that split instant I have decided that I am going to train to lead to children and young people. I can't think of anything more inspiring than to be among 100 children and young people and see them dissolve disempowering decisions that they have made to respond to events in their life. Dissolving them before they get a chance to get a grip. Children and young people are the future. It's their right to be free. It's not possible though to be free while there is no recognition of how the human structure has been put together.
I think I would be a very good leader because of my right brain mentality. I have an instant rapport with kids because I operate from the same level. I notice I have a sensitivity around children that many adults don't. My brother called me last night which was so lovely. I was talking to him about the two young boys left without a mother and he was very practical. He gave the example of a neighbour who also lost his wife when his children were young and how they were OK. I had to agree with this but I couldn't escape from the thought 'OK because they had to be'. Without a doubt they made the death of their mother mean something. It's inherent in the design of human to do this so they have done it. It is this meaning that now drives whatever they deem to be important in life. I don't dismiss things that happen to children and young people as easily as adults too. I remember when my two friends came to me at school and said that they didn't want to be friends with me anymore and the pain I felt. When one of my neices was hurt by a friend which I understand is common place I really felt for her and I allowed myself to feel for her. An adult response might be 'it happens, move on'. But I remember the impact on me and how for such a long time afterwards I was alone and didn't want to be friends with anyone.
Off now to get ready for my first full day in my new home.....
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