Integrity is the foundation for power not trust.....

I'm writing this at 5am because I learned something about myself last night that was too much of a shock to write about late last night when I returned home. The guy from the gym finally turned up on Sunday evening but I was so cold. I tried hard not to be but something had shifted. There was a defensive there on my side. I had to make a conference call and he left. After he left I felt really down and wondered why I had had such a bad reaction to him being late. My way of being with him was out of proportion to what he did. All he had done was to be late. I heard 3pm and he turned up at 3.45pm. It's no big deal so why did it colour my attitude towards him.

I had my conference call and talked to my group about what had happened. They told me that I had made him wrong for being late and punished him for it. I could see that yes, I had done this but I felt that there was something more, something deeper. I went to bed hugely troubled and as I have often written the state of the mind last thing before one sleeps determines both the quality of sleep and how deep and calm that sleep is. My sleep was none of these things. I kept waking up and then when the alarm clock went off kept hitting the snooze button and would have given anything to have stayed in bed. I knew that I had a blog entry written for Sunday so there was no urgency there. But it's strange, no matter what turbulence and earthquakes are going on in my head I don't give into all of that by calling in sick. No matter what is going on in my head I will go to work. I know that one great skill I have for dealing with it is the witness. I watch what goes on in my head without getting absorbed into it. I see the turbulence, but I don't engage with it. Seeing it doesn't make it lessen in intensity. I believe that by watching the mind with its thoughts in this way that eventually there will be freedom from the thoughts. That freedom will come as the part that watches the thoughts becomes stronger and the thoughts themselves become weaker.

I walked to work and as always the being out in nature really did calm the troubled mind. I was aware though that it wasn't the usual deep peace and calm. My head was still full of my over-reaction and behaviour to the guy in the gym. I arrived into work incredibly restless. I turned on my computer and gazed out of my window at the views over London. I was aware that I really didn't want to be there. I didn't know where I wanted to be but it wasn't there. I had the strangest feeling of something major going to happen but I didn't know what. I knew that I had to get a new washing machine because my old one is beyond repair but it seemed to be more than that.

I settled into the day but I couldn't concentrate on anything for very long. What is this deep restlessness. I kept thinking about how cold I was with the guy in the gym. Here I am preaching about the connection and unity that comes when we recognise that there is no separation only the appearance of separation and what do I do, treat someone in such a separate way. My friend who had hurt me by making a comment about being a fool at the end of last week came up to me and was so different. She told me that I looked tired and I said that I was. I said how her comment had hurt but part of that hurt was maybe because I knew that there was a kernal of truth in what she said. To someone who may never have had an inner experience where the consciousness shifted from the external world to the inner world, putting energies and effort into nurturing and developing this shift can be seen as foolish, I understand this. It doesn't make it any less frustrating but I understand it. It is only experience that allows one to know.

I got through the day and got ready to go to my seminar. I have got so much out of this seminar. From learning not to make having a balanced and healthy relationship to food so significant I have a much better relationship to it. I decided to bring to the seminar the intent to have an insight into why I make integrity mean so much. Why do I break down when someone says they will do something and then don't do it. I started to think about this. I have written before that integrity is the foundation for power. With integrity everything works, without it nothing works. I was thinking about this and then I had an insight which totally shocked me. I write that integrity is the foundation for power but in my world integrity is the foundation and determinant of trust. The degree to which I trust someone depends on how well or not they keep their integrity. This really shocked me because integrity is not about trust but I made it to be. When I looked into it more deeply I saw that when I was younger I saw my dad doing what he said he would do and I trusted him. Then I decided that integrity would be my barometer for how much I trusted people. Gosh no wonder my relationships didn't last long. Nobody can maintain the level of integrity I demanded to gain and maintain my trust.

Not keeping one's integrity is inherent in the human condition. To maintain integrity takes working at so the amount of trust I had in someone was dependent on them being in integrity every time we met. If they kept their integrity I trusted them, if they didn't I didn't and after that point the relationship was doomed. I would soon after do something to sabotage it because in my head a lack of integrity meant a lack of trust. Gosh, how difficult has it been to be easy and relaxed around me when my friendships and relationships have been built on such shifting sand. Now I understand the irritation I felt when someone was late or didn't turn up. To me, it wasn't that they just didn't turn up it was a direct errosion of the trust I had in them. It was this errosion of trust and not the lack of integrity that created the turmoil and upset in my mind.

So that the next time we met when they had a perfectly good reason for why he/she didn't do what they said they would, it didn't matter. I didn't have the same level of trust. Those who kept their integrity I trusted and felt safe around, those who didn't I blocked out. Gosh, what a tough way to go through life. Maybe this is why I turned so heavily to the spiritual because I could control the level of integrity and therefore the level of trust.

Integrity isn't a foundation for trust, it can't be because it's too volatile because of the unreliable nature of human being. Integrity is a foundation for power because power is more stable. It is built up gradually by proving to the universe that there is integrity in what is said and done. That it is honest, without pretence and reliable. This has nothing to do with trust, I see this now. I could turn this insight around and say that this is a characteristic of the consciousness of the right brain but to do this would be to make it fit my theory. This I won't do. This insight has been a huge shock to me but as a result I am going to give up making integrity be a determinant of trust. Someone not keeping their integrity and not doing what they say they will do will be just that, someone not keeping their word. I won't decide that it means that I no longer trust that person and as a result my head won't be filled with the turbulence and upset there is usually when I experience a threat to my trust that is triggered off by a lack of integrity.

If I hadn't defined this blog as a spiritual blog I would not be writing this on the Internet. I am writing it to show how deep the decisions that we make as children in the design of human are. I didn't know this was what I decided about people who didn't do what they said they would do and yet it is what has run through all of my relationships both male and female. It took a real commitment to accept that my way of relating was not working and a courage to look to see why. As you can imagine I wasn't thrilled to see this and could do nothing else when I came home except go immediately to bed. Luckily I slept which is why I am clearer as I write this early Tuesday morning. If I had written it last night it would probably have been more rambling and less easy to understand.

After the evening I walked to the tube.. I was still reeling by the insight and really saw the impact on my friends and family of me judging how much I trusted people by how well they did what they said they would do and I felt so sorry and ashamed. As I started at the top of the escalator I could hear beautiful music being played from the busker a the bottom. It was so soothing and just what I needed. Grateful, I found some change and gave it to him. I was rewarded with the most brilliant smile which lifted me from the dark place I was in. My train pulled in and I got on. There was no empty seat and then this young guy stood up in front of me and offered me his seat!.....I couldn't believe it. I wasn't that much older than him! In that split second I knew that I had a choice to make a difference to this guy's experience of giving up his seat to a woman. I could make a big deal about 'not appreciating being seen as an 'older woman' and embarass him, or I could show true delight and appreciation at the gesture, I chose to do the latter and I could tell by his attitude that he was delighted to have done it and the chances are that he will do it again in the future.

In today's world of equality that guy took a chance. If I had an emotional charge about getting older and appearing 'old' to the younger generation this would have acted as a trigger for me to have made a fuss. This may have resulted in the guy making the decision not to offer up his seat to another woman ever again. But it was more than that for me, it was confirmation that even though I can consider myself to be the worst in the world, that little messages that come to me like that reassure me that when it comes to the real purpose of my life, my ultimate game, which is to make a difference that I continue to be OK. I cling to these messages from the universe so tightly and especially on days when my mind is very turbulent. I can be a mess, yet the universe never fails me. This is the spiritual path, trusting in the midst of chaos.

I've just seen a sentence in the Course in Miracles that says 'Learning and wanting to learn are inseparable. You learn best when you believe what you are trying to learn is of value to you'. This is why I put myself through the vigorous self-analysis that I do. I believe that doing this is going to be of benefit for when the consciousness shifts to the next kingdom.

Before the seminar I got a free London paper and went to read it while I waited for a friend who I half-expected to turn up to come with me as a guest for the evening. I couldn't believe it when I turned to page 2 and read the heading 'Happy mediums open at Selfridges'. It went on to say that Selfridges is 'launching Britain's first in-store psychic school this week! This is amazing. It goes on 'it will meet the demand from customers who want to gain a deeper knowledge of their own spiritual powers'. So this shift is happening. Slowly and gradually but it is happening. We are all responsible for the speed of our own shift of consciousness but there is a growing recognition of the power within. This recognition will only grow stronger as time goes on.

Now I must get ready for another day.....at work.....feeling so much freer and happier than I did yesterday morning.