Friday, 28 September 2007

Not so good today....

I had a bad night last night. Usually I drift off to sleep easily and quickly but not last night. I tossed and turned. There were all kinds of thoughts going around in my head and I was hot. Awake at 12am and again at 3.30am. When I woke at 3.30am I was aware that my body was shaking and trembling, this time quite violently. When it stopped I turned on my bedside lamp and found a book to read. It was a book called 'Patanjali Yoga Sutras'. I opened up a page and the first thing I read was 'You take nothing on Trust. You accept nothing but your own experience. You go forward alone, step by step like an explorer in a virgin jungle, to see what you will find'. Aagh...I really needed to read this at 3.30am in the morning. I felt like saying (to whom, that is the question!) 'how much more alone do you want me to be! I couldn't be more alone on this journey. My friends think I'm barking mad and yet this path pulls me relentlessly. It comes before everything and anything.

I finally managed to drop back to sleep and woke again at 7am. I got up and had a chat with my friend before she left for work. After she left I felt a bit sick but sat on my stool and meditated for 45 minutes. I was aware that my foot was sore and tight inside of my trainer. The meditation didn't get rid of the feeling of nausea that I had. I ran a bath and got ready to meet some friends from work in the local pub. Yesterday I was so excited at having got rid of the crutches that I thought that I could now go for a marathon walk. I arranged to meet my friends at the pub. Gosh how presumptous was that. I remembered my training for walking down the stairs' the bad goes down, the good goes up (talking about my feet). I got down the stairs OK and out onto the pavement. Then I set off in earnest and with a serious mission to get me to the pub without any mis-haps. I achieved this albeit with a complaining foot and arrived there before my colleagues.

It was lovely to see them and we had a great lunch. We said our goodbyes and I set off walking back home. I thought I would stop off at the garage and get a paper but my foot had other ideas and registered its displeasure through the immediate message of pain. I thought I would never get home. Once home I ressurected my pain killers that I had declared so proudly to everyone that I didn't need anymore and took myself off to bed. When I woke up a tentative check in with the foot registered no pain.....result!...where would the world be without pain killers. Methinks now that going back to work after next week is a bit ambitious and I should take the whole four weeks off which the surgeon has signed me off for. When the pain kicked in I tried some spiritual training 'I have pain, I am not pain' to lessen it but this was no good so I ditched the spiritual training and reached for the pain killers and miraculously my inner voice was quiet!

But I am not making this significant and it doesn't say anything about me and my spiritual journey. The pain acted as resistance to my possibility of fun and freedom which has carried me through so far. When I got up I called the Landmark office and asked to re-start my assisting agreement from next Saturday. The manager was delighted and so was I to be honest. My life was once again starting to be all about me and I know where that leads. There is nothing to beat entering into another's life and creating with them empowering possibilities for the future. I have received so much from Landmark Education and continue to do so every day that the need in me to give something back is very strong.

I have been watching events in Burma with great interest. To me it is another example of the realm of the human and individual breaking down in favour of a unity of consciousness. You have the ordinary people coming out with the monks in pursuit of one purpose - freedom. Then there is the United Nations working to find a solution. The old paradigm of individual self-consciousness is giving rise to group consciousness. This is necessary for the next kindgom which is that of the Soul to emerge. It can be seen in the breakdown of traditional religion. Religion is man-made - a product of the 4th kingdom - the human kingdom. The structures have to break down to release the spiritual essence out of which religion is constructed.

I'm sure that I could write more but this overwhelming feeling of nausea is such that I'm going to sign off for today.... I think maybe there is too much salt in the food I am eating these days. I never put salt in my food in contrast to my flatmate who drowns everything in salt. Tonight is going to be a salt free zone for me. Let's see if that makes any different to the quality and quantity of my sleep tonight........

1 comment:

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