Friday, 21 September 2007

Human errupts .....feeling sorry for myself......

Yesterday after the hospital I was so tired. Wrote my blog and went to bed. Woke up a couple of hours later and didn't know whether I wanted to get out or stay in bed. My inner voice was quiet. There was no instruction one way or another. Lay there for a couple of minutes looking out at my window with nothing in particular in my mind. Gosh except for I was breathing I could have been dead. There was absolutely nothing going on!

I looked at the crutches propped against my bed and had a momentary hatred for them. I was also aware that my foot was sore but was determined not to take any pain killers. I got up and went into the kitchen and made a cup of tea. I felt a heaviness that had nothing to do with the bandage on my foot. Where was my bright and luminous world. I felt alone and lonely. I hobbled into my sitting room and picked up a book and tried to read but I couldn't concentrate. My friend who is staying with me this week had said that she would be home early and I was looking forward to that. Her conversation would take me out of myself. Suddenly I received a text from her saying that she was now going to the pub for a drink and wouldn't be back as early as she said.

I was devastated. Try as I might I couldn't snap myself out of it. I was deep into the feeling sorry for myself story and I was so right in feeling this way. My ego personality saw an opening and wham it was right in there. It is so much harder to come out of something when you're right in the middle of it. Then I realised that what was dragging me down was not the fact that my friend was not coming straight home from work but what I made that mean.

What I made it mean was that she didn't want to be here to look after me and with that thought came the accompanying feelings of lack of self-worth, self-esteem etc. When I could see that it was this meaning and not the fact of her not coming home early that was driving me I could give it up. When I gave up the story I didn't feel low or down anymore. As humans we are meaning making machines. Something happens we give a meaning to it. We do this so that we can make sense of the world. I have learned that whenever I feel low it is the effect of a story that I am running and is not the fault of life itself. Life is life, it will flow in the way that it will. We then have the choice whether to put stories onto the things that happen in life. If we don't then life will flow and be in harmony and balanced.

The development of the human being is only the passing from one state of consciousness to another. As the consciousness expands it passes to another state. It is the level or degree of awareness which determines the speed at which the consciousness expands. Take for example the awareness that me feeling sorry for myself was the result of a story. Really seeing this so that there is some shift in the body and then being willing to give it up has shifted my consciousness. I am in no doubt about that. I have seen something in a new way. This results in the consciousness shifting. The process goes like, wow, that's what I made it mean. While I was being gripped by the story I couldn't be fun and freedom and so I wallowed in a story which was only a story. Right, I'm going to give it up and be fun and freedom. This is a process. It doesn't come easy. There is lots of resistance to it but it is a sure way to progress from the human to the spiritual which is the direction consciousness is going anyway.

The spiritual is a definite path. It has its milestones and stages. It cannot be taught, only shared and in that sharing inspiration and hope is given......There seems to be the expectation that if you have access to another dimension that you can also be effective in conventional life. The truth is that the concerns of the conventional are not those of the spiritual. This leads to a certain friction and frustration on the part of the conventional person to the spiritual. My frustration also comes with knowing that one day I am going to die but the spiritual game will continue. It will come through another person perhaps in a different form. The vehicle will die but not the spirit through which it flies. Spirit will always fly. I am under no illusion that the experiences I have will give me immortality.

What I want this record to achieve is for people to see the value in taking on consciously a spiritual path. I wrote in my profile that I believe this to be the 2nd cycle of my transformation from human to spiritual. Much of the 1st cycle was characterized by confusion and not being sure of anything. This stage looks to be the same. This is because there is no growth in certainty, growth only comes in confusion. So I accept what is happening right now as what is meant to be. I commit every morning to a spiritual path and look for meanings within this context and then I just BE with everything else.

I'm going to have a busy evening this evening as some friends are coming over. I'll also going to have a cold glass of wine to celebrate surviving my first week without a properly functioning leg.....

No comments: