Thursday, 1 November 2007

The brilliance of fireworks.....

I waited impatiently all day for the evening to come to go to see the fireworks. It was a relatively hundrum day. I get the distinct feeling that my days there are numbered. I'm once again feeling the heavy tiredness which for me is a sure sign of both stress and resistance. I am also very restless. It was a beautiful day and so the night would be calm and balmy for the fireworks.

I arrived at my friends house at 6pm. He is my oldest and dearest friend. Earlier in the day I had received an email from him telling me how he had spent the evening before reading his diaries from 1979. I was intrigued by this because I also kept a diary. I asked him if I could read them and he agreed. I was struck by how practical and unemotional it was compared to the dramas I used to record in mine. What I was also struck by was how deep the habits shown in the dairy entries have now grown. They are so deep now that they have become a way of being. This to me is a little scary and proved to me the importance of being aware of who I am and how I was put together to be the human being that I am.

One of the group had started her own business and I felt inspired listening to how she did it and how happy she is now as a result. Although I was aware as she was talking of my thoughts going 'ah yes, but you have a left brain which aids you in organisation etc', and then another thought that went 'stop finding excuses not to take a chance in life'. There was another woman in the group who try as I might I couldn't warm to. In this day and age to refer to black people as 'coloured' was offensive in the extreme. Out of respect for my oldest and dearest friend who had invited her I didn't walk out early. The other friends were two guys. One of whom I knew slightly better than the other. I met one shortly after I had completed part 1 of the training and had promised that I would have my own business by the end of the following year - that is this year. When I saw him I had a sinking feeling because I remembered this and knew that at some point in the evening he would ask me.

We headed off to the fireworks which were only magnificent. At one point the speed with which they were set off and their intensity meant that I was showered in a hail of colour which I basked in. It was almost psychedelic. I was reminded again of the deepest secret of the universe hid within the simple firework. It is always in the simple that the greatest depth is found. We don't look for simple, the mind wants to complicate things so that what is simple is never discovered. The mind doesn't like fireworks because it senses the existence of spirit and the message that spirit is sending via the firework. Usually the mind can block out the emanations of the spirit by being busy. But standing looking at a fireworks display the mind is subservient to the majesty and brilliance that is before its eyes and it has no choice but to take a back seat. That is unless the mind insists on talking all through the display. But where there is silence, absorption and connection the energy of the soul and then of spirit can come through.

The display ended and I experienced the regret that comes after a powerful and connecting experience that didn't last that long. I was aware of this human desire to want things that are pleasant to continue and things that are unpleasant to stop. I recognised it and replaced that thought with a thought of gratitude for being able to be there to see it. Afterwards we set off back to my friends house for some more beer and nibbles. He had gone to the trouble of buying sparklers and we all went outside into the garden. There was something very childlike about it that appealed to me. We chatted about different things. I noticed that I was more subdued than I usually am. Going with the flow of the conversation instead of being controverial. I tried a couple of comments about different things which generated a little debate.

I went home on the tube with the guy I had said I was going to have my own business to. We started talking about him and how he had his own business and then I heard the dreaded words 'when I met you the last time you told me that you had done this great education and were going to have your own business within a year, that was two years ago why haven't you' mind searched feverishly for something to say. I was angry at myself for having said this because it meant that any interest he might have had in doing this education for himself he doesn't now because I haven't done what I said I would do. This is not what I am a stand for. I am a stand for everyone to do this to have access to full power, freedom and self-expression. By me not having integrity I have coloured what he thinks might be possible for himself and his life.

What I can't get away from is my conviction that not having two properly functioning eyes is going to make it difficult for me if I was to start my own business. I have it that being spiritual and making money are incompatible. I feel different to others and I think this is why the breakthroughs this education give to me are spiritual in that I see how the decisions I made when I was a child determine who I now am as an adult. Each time I unravel one of the multi-faceted dimensions of human nature and bring it into consciousness, get the impact it has had on me and my life and give it up more energy is freed to develop spiritually. To have more insights and revelations that are of a spiritual nature. The breakthroughs I have don't seem to translate into being out there and powerful in the world, at least not yet. Perhaps some of it is also a reluctance to stand out. All my life all I have ever wanted to do is belong. I don't like being singled out. This is why this blog goes so against my ego personality which protests violently most mornings before I sit down to write. The universe is really bringing me kicking and screaming along this path. I am very aware of this. But I know that there are huge changes coming my way next year.

Tonight I dreamed that I was made redundant. My sleep was troubled and I think that is because deep down I know that I have to stop playing safe and I feel events now are making it crunch time. The needle from the guy last night together with the restlessness and tiredness that I now feel at work and can't hide are all forcing me to to active and not reactive. I know this is making me sound like a victim at the mercy of forces beyond my control. This is not true it is the push of my soul that feels an urgency that is experienced as frustration to me. Before mass last Sunday I lit a candle and my wish was 'for everything that is hidden from my view to be revealed'. What is that old saying 'be careful what you wish for' !

It's the weekend today yippee!

No comments: