The last night......I will call this flat home......

Today has been a strange day. For the first time in a long time I woke up this morning and didn't want to get out of bed. I lay there for a while kind of paralysed. Eventually I got up and did 1 hr of meditation after which I felt relaxed and calm. I created a new empowering context for myself for the day which is to 'make a difference with freedom and ease'. I had a couple of phone calls and then set with enthusiasm to trying to clear everything. After about 1 hr it dawned on me that there is no way that I am going to be able to do everything by myself. And for the first time I felt panic. I thought of a friend who is not working at present and the moment I did this I felt immediate relief. I had thought of her earlier but then had done my usual 'I can do it on my own' thing. I just knew that today I wasn't able to do it on my own. Today I was more vulnerable and shaky than I have been since I gave in my notice.

I called my friend and offered to pay her train ticket if she would come over and be here with me to pack up. To my absolute delight she said 'I'm leaving in 10 mins'. I was so happy. It wasn't so much the packing as the loneliness that was threatening to get to me today. She arrived and I immediately felt much happier. It was great to hear what it was like for her not working and I was struck by how calm she was. We had a really lovely day and I was so grateful to her for coming over. She like my other friend is reading this blog and I asked her for her view on how she is finding it. To my surprise she said the same as my other friend that it is becoming boring. She also shares the same views as my other on friend on the Landmark training and also commented that this blog tends to promote heavily Landmark and its technology. I intend to think seriously about this feedback and look at what I can write that will give the insights and understandings without attributing it to Landmark. I haven't done this in the past because it seemed inauthentic to share insights and understandings without declaring their source. But maybe this is not necessary and to share from a place of shifts and transformations within my own life is sufficient. I am very grateful to both of my friends for their clear and direct comments. I see their commitment to me to having a blog that is interesting and informative and not boring.

My friend left to go home and suddenly my flat felt very big and bare. Most things are packed away in boxes and I've never had so much space. It's also reflected in my mind in how clearly I see everything now. I found things today that I had thought I had lost forever and my delight in finding them was so childlike. I still have such a lot to do before I leave tomorrow afternoon but I will get up early and finish the rest of it off. The people who live downstairs invited me to come down for a farewell glass of wine and I went down. It was strange to hear the woman chatting about how difficult she is finding her work at the moment but doesn't want to leave without another job to go to. I gave a wry smile and thought, would I do this if I had my time over again and the emphatic answer is YES. I don't know what the next few months are going to bring but I know how I had felt being at work during the final few months and I wouldn't go back to that, not for anything.

I also want to take up an accountable position on the training I am doing as it is my last quarter of the training. In a strange way I want to see whether the assertion that living a life which is in integrity is to live a powerful life and have everything work with freedom and ease. This is my last quarter so if I didn't do it now I would never know.

Then my mum and brother called to wish me luck which was great. I know that my mum is worried about me but yet, as always, offers nothing but support and encouragement. I think I am so lucky in that all of my life I have done exactly what I want to. I haven't had to make any compromises or sacrifices for anything to anyone. This to me is complete freedom. What I don't know is the cost to those for whom I haven't made any sacrifices or compromises. I am thinking of my elderly parents and of how much more I could do for them than I do. I think part of me leaving London to pursue a journalism course is someday to be in Ireland either writing for a magazine or managing my own magazine from Ireland. I have faith that if I create it powerfully then it will happen.

Today I changed over the the gas, electricity and water. In 2 cases out of 3 I was told that I was in credit. This is amazing because I pay by direct debit so didn't think that I would be due any refund but apparently there is some money going to be coming into my account. I've signed the contracts with the new tenants. Tomorrow night will be the real test when I am away from everything that is familiar. I couldn't bear to part with the DVD's from the spiritual cinema circle that I was a member of so depending on the computer working I will be spending tomorrow night re-watching some of these inspiring films.

Now I'm off to do some meditation.......in my very last night in a flat I have lived in for 12 years..

The sadness of saying goodbye....to friends

On Tuesday night I went out with my oldest and dearest friend. His family and mine were friends when we lived in England. My family returned to Ireland and his never did. After I returned to London I reconnected with him and his family and we have been friends since childhood. Even when we returned to Ireland he always visited with his family every summer when they would come to Ireland for their summer holidays. He has been with me through good times and bad and has always been so supportive. With each year that passes I value his friendship more and more. It is said that if you meet one person in a lifetime who turns out to be a genuine friend who is there through thick and thin that this is to have found a jewel. I know that I have this jewel in this man.

We talked last night about the choice I am making and the reasons I am making it. I know that he finds it difficult to understand and is holding the Landmark training that I am doing responsible. I really saw the depth of his concern when he spoke openly and honestly about how he felt about it and about my involvement with it. Listening to him speak with such passion and fervour I was moved by the depth of his concern for me and at one point felt my heart open with such love that I felt overwhelmed. In the past when Landmark has been attacked I have felt the need to control, protect or defend but I recognise these reactions as the old model of communication and am being trained to be a master in the distinctions of the new model. One that is based on acceptance and on letting go of the need to protect or control and instead to dance in the conversation without wanting to or needing to force an outcome. This gives a space and magic to the conversation and the whole evening was so thoroughly enjoyable. He gave me such valuable feedback about the blog in that it he made the comment that I don't receive comments the way I used to and he attributes this to what he considers to be my obsession with Landmark. This is a point that I will seriously consider. My commitment is that this blog is my account of what I am daring to call a spiritual journey. On that path certain structures are used to expand consciousness, for me it happens to the Landmark technology for others it is something else.


I came home to do some more packing and then the guy from the gym came around on his way home. I have come a long way with him and it seems strange when I'm beginning to let go of some emotional control that my path is taking me out of London and away from him. He has been good for me and I have grown a lot over the past year. He seems to understand me which is nice.

Today I was speaking with my publisher and I asked about how the book was selling. I had been feeling down because of the other rejection letters I had found which I had spoken about in an earlier blog entry and had been feeling that this current book also is largely about my individual subjective experiences. I had a thought to call a magazine I had sent a review copy to. I called and immediately the woman who I wanted to speak to answered the phone. I explained who I was and that I had sent a review copy and she said 'Oh yes, I have received it and I am going to review it' I was so thrilled. We had a long conversation and she was so inspiring. She started the magazine 8 years ago and had the idea of beginning by putting together all of the information that was channelled. So she put together a database of mediums and channellers and then looked for interviews. She started small and now has a substantial readership. What I particularly liked was that she said she tries to make it happen without much advertising because she doesn't like to sully the spiritual waters.

This has also been a long concern of mine and the reason why it took me so many years to speak about profound mystical/spiritual experiences I have had. I told her about the reading that Edwin Courtenay had given to me. She has often featured interviews and channellings by him and I suggested that maybe the reading that he gave me could form part of the review. This thought suddenly came to me as I was speaking to her. I didn't have that thought when I was still employed. It's like now that I finally have integrity that opportunities and ideas are coming to me which were denied while I had no integrity by which I mean I was in a job I didn't like and didn't have an empowering context for. I agreed to write an article for the next edition of the magazine in May around the 3 stages of spiritual development.

I was so excited and inspired after the phone call that I immediately called the other book shop that had promised me a review. Again, I got through immediately to the man I wanted to speak to and he confirmed that he was still doing the review, and in fact was writing it next Monday and would email me what he had written for my view.

So it's been a truly exciting and great day. I didn't get as much packing and stuff done as I wanted but I am creating tomorrow to be a full-on day where everything gets done with freedom and ease. I'm off tonight to the final evening of the power to create weekend and in the last couple of days I have real experience of its power.....

The clarity that comes.....with integrity

I spent the weekend around the 2nd module of the communication curriculum which is the 'Power to create'. From the weekend I really am taking on the concept that WORD CREATES WORLD. This is the main message from the weekend. Thoughts form the basis of word but it is the generation and expression of words that creates reality. However word without faith is not effective this is why I can say X (meaning anything I want) and X won't happen. It won't happen because of my lack of faith in my power to create X. Yet if I had 100% faith that X would be created then X is what would show up each and every time I declared it. It is my own lack of faith that makes it not so. Space is also necessary in order to create. Creation comes from nothing while there is something there is no space to create. That something is our identity with its numerous points of views, thoughts, judgements, concerns. To give all of this up and end up with a space of nothing is to have the space where anything and everything can be created. But the identity clings fiercely to all of its components and unfortunately most of the time it wins. But ultimately it is a game - a game between 'X 'and 'not X' and in the end the game will be revealed. I don't know any of what I have written to be true, for me it is a place to stand to create a powerful life.
,
During the weekend I was reminded so many times of the Conversations with God books especially book 1. This book asserts that the big bang created 'X' and 'not X'. In reality everything is X but in order to experience, 'not X' has to be created, but in truth, 'not X' is really X. This is why everything is connected but the 'not X 'quality makes it seem like it is separate and individual. I got this so strongly over the weekend and it deepened my connection to people and my ability to communicate from a space of nothing. I have found today that my memory of yesterday has faded to the point that at each moment I am coming from nothing and creating what is happening in the moment.. To be honest this feels slightly weird in that I am so used to analysing past conversations with people and events and the weekend was filled with stuff that I would usually revisit, but today there really is nothing. Out of this space of nothing I create my possibility which is the possibility of 'bold and fearless self-expression' and from this I create my empowering context which is 'Everyone has it all with freedom and ease'. I then take actions within this possibility and empowering context and it is nothing short of magical what is showing up.

Today was my first day of not working. I woke early and was hit by the fact of no work but then I lay there and thought 'girl, you have integrity for the first time in your life, get up and do some meditation.' I then meditated for 45 mins which flew. Every time it is like this I am amazed because of how tense and difficult it has been in the past. Now when I meditate I have few thoughts and can reach a depth of relaxation, peace, joy and calm which means that I now look forward to my meditation instead of dreading it in the way that I used to. I then made a plan for how I would spend the day and at the end of this my first day I can't belive just how much I achieved today with such freedom and ease. It is like having integrity gave me a clarity and focus that had been lacking when I was working in a job in which I had no integrity. All of my conversations today flowed and created results. I could see how I was totally coming from nothing when I was speaking and I was able to be with whatever was said to me. I had to go to the recycling centre a few times today and each time I went I had such friendly banter with the guys who were working there.

This evening I started to clean out my filing cabinet which is full of past writings which I have done. I started to read some articles I had written about Buddhism and spiritual awakening and had an uncomfortable thought that I appeared to be a better writer back then. I seemed to be more able to let myself go and write than I am at present. I think there is fear of really letting go and writing instead of stopping after a couple of sentences and then going back to edit it. In the past I seemed to be able to just write and write and write.... I found a book proposal which I had put together and sent off to a number of publishers a few years ago called 'right-brained woman living in a left-brained world' and then found all the letters rejecting the manuscript. In spite of all this I am still at it....is this crazy or is there something bigger than me driving me on. It feels like the latter these days. It feels like the peace, ease and calmness I am experiencing is in me but not of me....if that makes any sense.

One thing which all of the letters I received from the publishers had in common was that they said that my writing was related only to me and therefore not of wide interest or application. I have taken that on and in the time I spent delving into the bowels of my filing cabinet I found an extract from Shantanand Saraswati 'Good Company'. I don't know where this excerpt has been taken from but when I found it, it resonated with me as a very good summary of the stages of the spiritual path.

'It can be looked at in this way: a human being has three rooms. The first is Sattvic where peace and light prevail. The Sattvic person is centred here though he uses all the other rooms. He moves into the second for his daily work but he's still conscious of the light. He uses the lowest room of Tamas for sleep. Here there is no light but whenever he gets up he moves into the other rooms.

The man of Rajas is centred in the second room. He has no direct knowledge of the first room, but he has some idea of it.

The man of Tamas lives entirely in the third room, and for him the other two do not exist. They are neither cleaned or looked after, and eventually fall into decay. It is important to use all three'.

The state of Tamas referred to above can be likened to the materialistic state where the consciousness is totally concerned with the material. As we approach 2012 the consciousness is less and less in this state. The world-wide recession has caused the consciousness to shift to the degree that some awareness of the result of greed has impacted and in that impact the consciousness has shifted. Rajas is the state of doing - but it is a doing that is inside of a wider context. I am 'doing' in that I am writing this blog but I'm always conscious of the other dimension. The path of spiritual development is the shift of consciousness from Tamas, to Rajas to Sattva. If I am going to be so arrogant and relate these stages to my own development I would say that I veer between Tamas and Rajas with glimpses of Sattva with my thoughts! but that my being is in the main Sattvic.

For me to be taken seriously as an authentic writer on the area of spiritual development I think I must find more of the writings from established mystics and saints and expand on these writings. Me waxing lyrical about what I think without referring to recognised and accepted spiritual wisdom doesn't give my words the power they would if they referenced ancient spiritual writings. In my future blogs I will take this on.

Now I'm going to do my nightly 45 mins meditation.....

Something.....carried me through today.....

Today was an extraordinary day. I had an ease, grace and freedom which was not me. Something inhabited my body to take me through the day. I know that this may read strange but the day went by in a blur where I was totally present and alert to everything that was going on but it was distant. I did nothing consciously today I just let whatever force was strongly with me to operate and the result was a truly magical day. I gave a speech at my presentation and I spoke so fearlessly about my dream of making a difference in people's lives by them getting just how great they are. I have no idea where all of that came from. It just came out like a declaration to the universe of who and what I am going to be. My work colleagues brought me out for lunch and everything was so easy and relaxed. I will look back on the day I left my work as the day I really experienced the power that is behind a commitment to make a difference. Making a difference is the highest of the human yearnings and it is in all of us to some extent or another.

Last night I had my team meeting and I was amazed at just how relaxed and happy I was. I don't know what the next few months are going to bring all I know is that for the first time in 7 years there is no separation between who I am and what I am going to be doing and that feels so authentic and real. I have no doubt that there are going to be hard, rough and lonely times but as long as I keep firm to my empowering context of making a difference this will be strong enough to carry me though. I must also be in communication with people and get support.

Tomorrow is the first day of the Power to Create course and I have worked hard to be a clearing from which creation is possible. This course for me is the closest to the process that began the world as we know it. From nothing, came something - the big bang and from this came creation. Today and tomorrow I am going to be very close to that which leaves me humbled......The only way to creation is to recreate that which is not complete so that it leaves the space for creation. The key promise of this course is that I say x and x happens. But many will say that this is not how it is. What I learned last night is that when all I am is a clearing without any incompletions, point of view, opinions then when I say x x will happen because there is nothing there. The reason why we don't have the lives we say we want to create is because of the existence of incompleted conversations which muddy up the clearing. I have struggled with what these conversations are that I need to complete in order to have a pristine clearing, I am creating that over this weekend these conversations will show themselves and I can then take the necessary action to recreate the conversation and then to disappear it.....

Last day of work after 7 years......

I lay in bed this morning awake and meditating. It's hard to believe that after 7 years of working where I have been that it is now the final morning of the final day. Yesterday I had a farewell lunchtime drink in the local pub and I couldn't believe it when about 30 people showed up. At one point I looked around me and had the thought 'they have all come out for me' and the feeling of love and connection I felt to everyone was so overwhelming. I also had a couple of lagers which made me sentimental so that when 2 people came up to give me a hug I very nearly broke down. I don't like to breakdown but I also understand that showing vulnerability far from being a sign of weakness is a sign of strength.

I spoke freely and openly about my dream of having my own spiritual magazine in the future and it allowed the others to feel free to speak about things that weren't work related. I welcomed this because all too often these kinds of events turn out to be an extension of the office and I didn't want my farewell lunch to be like that. I wanted it to be an event which would in some small way awaken people to their greatness and to their higher purpose in life. If I had a penny for everyone who told me 'how brave I was in doing what I am doing' yesterday I would have been able to buy a round of drinks! How can I explain this inner drive that seems to be stronger than me but that I am clear is of my creation. This drive is none other than my Soul that now finally after 7 years of gentle coaxing to go and take a risk to live my dream has now got free of its chains and is pushing like never before.

When I returned to the office I felt down. No matter how much clarity and confidence one has in the direction he/she takes in life, to leave a safe and secure job in the current climate to go deep into an uncertain world is unsettling and so it was for me. At one point I had my head down and I had a thought that said 'look out of the window'. When I looked up and out I saw the most striking, brilliant and beautiful double rainbow. It was most beautiful and radiant and it immediately lifted my consciousness so that it became totally absorbed in the beauty of what it was connecting with. In that moment there was nothing except the connection with the rainbow and from it I felt a deep inner reassurance. Sometimes I get so frustrated that the words do not do justice to the depth and power of experiences like these. The shifts in my consciousness that occur from experiences like this do not lend themselves to words and yet if I don't try to write something of the experience how are people going to know and experience such shifts for themselves. This is why I try to write albeit it clumsily about the power of what for me was a mystical experience.

I saw the presence of the rainbow with its separate colours so bright and vivid as a direct message to me. I know that this is my ego interpreting it like this, it was there for everyone who had eyes to see it in London yesterday but I felt that it was there to lift my spirits which had been a little low. For me it was the best farewell gift I could have been given. The great thing about seeing a scene is that it can always be recreated and re-experienced. The brain does not know the difference between something that is physically visible and something I see in my imagination, the same bodily results happen. This is why thinking and re-living a stressful event is the same to the brain as the event happening again right now and it instructs the body to behave how it does when dealing with stress. This is why the concept of forgiving and forgetting is so important. With forgiveness and forgetting there is no recreating of stressful events that put a strain on the body.

It is the same with positive affirmations or keeping a powerful context for everything we do. That powerful context and associated feelings fool the brain into thinking it is now and it responds accordingly. I know that seeing the rainbow yesterday gave me a deep sense of peace, bliss, calm and security. Over the next months I can recreate that scene and the brain will respond. It is not the brain that realises that it is only my imagination...it is the 10% of brain which is the mind that knows the difference. It is the mind and not the brain that can tell the difference between a rainbow I see with my eyes and a rainbow I see with my imagination.

So today is my last day at work. I know that my boss is going to give some kind of speech and everyone is going to stand around but I feel nothing but joy, love and gratitude for each person who will come to say goodbye today. I was saying to people yesterday that it will be interesting to see where I am in 6 months time and compare my thoughts to this my last day and how I am creating the future to be and how it is actually going to be. If I have integrity and am true to myself and others then there will be no difference between the future I am creating and how that future will actually be.....however it all depends on me, keeping my word and having a powerful vision present always for why I am doing what I am doing. The moment either of these slips...my identity will drag me back to being small, separate, alone and afraid........

2nd last day before leaving work.....

Today is the day of my farewell drinks with everyone I have worked with over the past 7 years and I know that it is going to be emotional. On my agreement last night I re-discovered something new about myself and that is that I don't listen. I'm too busy trying to figure out how to get an outcome from the telephone conversations that I am not present or listening to what it is the person on the other end of the line wants to have from his/her own life. I understand that this is about control even though I thought I had let all of that go. A way of being is never fully let go, it re-surfaces in many guises. When I don't listen I am in control of the conversation, when I listen I am outside of my comfort zone and being of service and contribution. So today I am going to take on really listening for what my brilliant work colleagues who have known me and worked with me for 7 years will say and from that place of listening with nothing else in the space a good energy will be around for the day today.

Yesterday morning I went to the recyling plant with lots of my stuff. It was a wrench but I understand that the new cannot be put on top of the old. I had a good day yesterday, cleaned out my inbox. After agreement last night I went to a open introductory evening about the Landmark Forum. During the day yesterday I felt this compulsion to go up when I finished my agreement last night and while I was tired I was also determined to go up and get the final hour of what the forum provides. When I walked in the leader was speaking about living a predictable life and that to live an unpredictable life involves taking risks which our human identity does not like to do. He spoke about creating a new way of being simply by giving something up. This was refreshing because it gets away from the psychology of why we hang onto ways of being that do not make us happy and says 'just give something up' - not for ever just for a limited time and in that space of giving something up then something new can be created, and from that creation comes opportunities. The lady I was sitting next too shared with me that she is giving up procrastination, other people shared that they were giving up 'making themselves wrong', giving up the right to be in a bad mood' What inspired me about this was the ease. There was no indepth searching as to what the trigger was that created the way of being which wasn't powerful just a demand to 'give it up'. I found last night like I have done often that the most powerful shifts come from the simplest of demands.

I got home late but tired last night. This morning is going to be busy because I have a creation call with the leader for the communication course for this weekend, then a call with my coach and then a call with my committed colleague who holds me to account for promises I made that I didn't keep and for ensuring that I maintain an empowering context at all times. All of this is ideal training ground for me to practice listening.....

Then lunch-time it's to the local pub......

3 days left....before I leave work after 7 years...

The 3 tarot cards Ihad randomly pulled out of my pack the night before last kept me going all day yesterday. The downside of that is I was afraid to pull out 3 more last night in case they would be the opposite. I realise that when I let my point of view pull me down is when I don't have an empowering and powerful context for what I am doing. When I generate a context of doing what I am doing so that I can make a difference, then the world and everyone in it appears sharper and clearer. From this I recognise that the fundamental desire of human being is to make a difference by being of service and contribution. I assert that one sure way of being happy is to find a way to be of service and contribution to 1 person every day. Make a difference in the life of one person each day and then happiness like a butterfly will come and sit on your shoulder.

Yesterday a work colleague took me for lunch and I was struck by what a gorgeous woman she is. I had always known she was kind but there is something about me leaving that is bringing out the beauty in people. I am clear that this shift is with me. Without the need to control anything I see things in people that I never saw before. It is like they are all appearing afresh to me. Late yesterday afternoon I had a phone call and I took it out on the fire-escape steps where there was the most fantastic views over London. The sun was setting and the beauty of those few moments took my breath away and I became lost in the beauty, awe and grandeur of something that is so much bigger than me but which I am a fundamental part of. I felt so uplifted and happy when I returned to my desk.

I listened to the speech made by President Obama and tears came to my eyes. In Barack Obama I see the next stage of evolution for the human being. The raising of consciousness so that unity and not separation becomes the defining paradigm. In Washington there was a huge gathering of all kinds of people. In this scene was the evidence that we are all connected, it is only our identity that sees us as small, separate and alone and this is only to keep in place the cosmic game of the Self-V non-Self. The game is not cruel because it is The One playing the game with itself. There is only ONE but the appearance of many. I assert that as 2012 approaches that we are moving towards the final revelation. Revelation means the unveiling of that which was hidden. More and more people are awakening to the reality behind the appearances or what Buddhists call the world of Maya and with this awakening comes a joy and delight that is obvious in such people. I assert that this awakening is going to happen on a grand scale and will push human consciousnesss from the human to the spiritual.....

This evening after my agreement I am going to a landmark seminar called 'reach for the stars'. This is appropriate because of what I am out to create in the world. I am clear that by giving up my judgements, opinions, points of views that I am then the clearing for anything to happen within the context of everything being possible and this excites me like nothing else. But it takes vigilance to develop and maintain this kind of clearing. It is so easy for a negative thought, feeling action to creep in and then I am no longer a clearing for creativity and possibility but a clearing within which my identify can flourish and this is not what I am up to for this lifetime. Finding ways to be of service and contribution is a powerful way of maintaining a pristine clearing.

Am busy also with practical things like getting everything ready for the new tenants to move into this flat. But this is also getting done with freedom and ease. I called the Council Tax office to transfer the payment of the Council Tax to the new tenants and the person who is looking after the account told me that I had £170 credit in my account which came as a welcome surprise to me. It is events like this and also how authentic I have felt since I have given in my notice at work that I will draw on when I have not so certain times in Brighton. But I also know that if I maintain an empowering context and generate what it is I want to have in the world, then these times will also be few. I generate my experience of the world whether that is happy or sad.....it is no-one else's creation only mine....

As the days draw ever closer to my leaving I look for little reassurances that I am doing the right thing. I watched the DVD on happiness again last night and felt a sense of frustration that I can't speak as powerfully as these luminaries. I know exactly what they are saying, I have had the direct experience of what they are saying yet my words lack their power and conviction.

When I was clearing out my bookshelves I found my old set of tarot cards. Reading tarot cards is a stage I went through many years ago. I had thought that I would read them professionally and went to get some professional training from a long experienced tarot card reader who I knew. I did 15 weeks of training with him and was just about to begin a business when I had a dream, the details of which are hazy now but it involved me being shown something that was beginning to be open and then slammed shut. I made that dream mean that I shouldn't read tarot cards professionally. I don't know whether this is the right meaning for the dream but it is what occurred to me. I listened and never read the cards professionally.

So last night standing in my flat with my pack of tarot cards in my hands felt strange. I felt a strong compulsion to give myself a quick reading. I shuffled the pack and picked out 3 cards at random, 1 for the past, 1 for the present, and 1 for the future. For the past I picked out a powerful card from the major arcana pack and that is the wheel of fortune. I thought this was apt because the powerful experience I had which involved the release of energy from the base of my spine on a meditation retreat has been for me the most powerful transformative experience. It shifted my consciousness from things of the outer to the inner and in that shift my consciousness has expanded so that I have a clarity about the process of spiritual development, the steps it involves and the challenges along the way.

The card I picked at random to represent the present was the 4 Swords. This is depicted by a knave lying in a coffin and is a card of waiting, of things needing time to come together, a time of uncertainty and trust, a card of complete surrender and this is exactly where I am these days. The card that represented the future is the 7 pentacles. This is shown by a knave working and looking pleased at the results of his work and it is a very good card for me for the future. It is a card of abundance.

Even though the cards were accurate as far as I interpreted them I feel a little bit of a traitor. In my book I make a firm distinction between being psychic and being spiritual. Reading tarot cards for me is psychic and I have thought that to focus on the psychic is to shut the door on the spiritual. To my amazement I am now re-thinking this position. Tarot cards are just a tool for opening and awakening consciousness. To develop the 6th chakra or the 3rd eye to be able to perceive and work with other dimensions. I have never thought of myself as psychic but maybe that is because I have been too wary of the whole area of psychic development as part of the journey towards spiritual awakening. Perhaps my slow progress is because of my reluctance to go down a psychic route whether this is channeling, clairvoyancy. It is at times like this that I really miss a teacher. I feel like I am so alone on this journey. Yet it is a journey by the alone to the alone and I have to accept that.

Perhaps when I am in Brighton and being true to this path and giving workshops on developing a spiritual path, I will get some insights into the part psychic development plays in the development of the spiritual. Yet I should welcome this uncertainty because it is only in the space of uncertainty that growth happens.

This morning I have another creation call to get ready for the power to create course this weekend. From the DVD last night I understand freshly how our real nature is emptiness or space. Take away our thoughts, opinions, point of views and all we are is the space from which to create. This is why the space of 'no thought' is such a powerful creative space. Those moments in the mornings when I lie awake and there are no thoughts are my most happiest times. What there is for me to do to be most powerful this weekend is to be vigilant with anything in my consciousness that is taking up precious space and give it up. To give it up takes action on my part. At the moment there is worry in my consciousness so what I will do is to call someone today, declare that it is there and give it up. Creating space in our consciousness is a moment by moment choice all of us have. Every time we give up a view, or an opinion space is created.....the space to create something from nothing....

Feel the fear.....and do it anyway.....

On Saturday my flat was let. Now it is really hitting home that I am leaving my cosy world of certainty to enter into a world that is uncertain and unstructured. These days I am a living example of the title of the book 'Feel the fear and do it anyway'. This is how I spent most of the weekend, feeling the fear of giving all of my books away to charity but doing it anyway. Feeling the fear which my thoughts were causing me and recognising that these are just my thoughts, they have no reality only what I give to them, recognising this and moving beyond.

Yesterday was also my last Sunday morning at the gym and it was sad saying goodbye to everyone. Walking home I pondered on what is this inner drive that is so strong at the moment that it is pushing me through the fear I am experiencing. I came home and set to sorting out this flat with intentionality. As you can imagine from living here alone for 9 years I have an awful lot of stuff. I thought that I would really miss my books but surprisingly I don't. The only one's I just couldn't give away at least not yet are the Alice Bailey books that have been channelled by the Tibetan Master Dwjal Khul. I am loathe to give these away. A friend has told me that I can store some of my things in her flat so these books are going to be among them.

Being able to be with any communication and not react is a firm foundation for power. I went out on Saturday night with a friend and her friend. I don't drink wine when I go out for an evening because I find it too strong. My friend and her friend had wine and I had a lager. Both of these people have bought my book. Towards the end of the evening the friend of my friend said 'I don't think your book is going to be a good seller', she continued 'and you also repeat yourself and say the same thing a number of different times'. To my amazement I didn't react at all. I recreated what she said and got her concern that the book won't sell well, and by doing this my reaction was one of interest and an openness to hear what she had to say instead of shutting down and protecting and defending the book. This is the power of the distinction recreation which is part of the power to create course which I am going to be around this weekend. To be with any communication whether this is accolades or criticism and not react is to create a space out of which comes power and clarity.

I assert another reason for what I could have seen as attack. The book is clear about the 2 aspects that there are to ourselves as humans. One aspect is the identity and the other is the soul. Before being brought to awareness the identity runs everything and the gentle murmurings of the soul are not at a high enough vibration to enter into consciousness. Once a level of awareness comes into consciousness then it weakens the identity slightly. I saw the comments made to me as the identity under attack because it perceives a shift and a loss of power. This is just an assertion on my part I do not know it to be true. I do know that attack of any kind is always by the identity and comes from a fear of being threatened. When I go beyond the appearance and look to the source all I feel is compassion.

A couple of years ago I joined the spiritual cinema circle and watched their films which are all on the same thing of looking beyond appearances. I was putting the films together to give to a friend who I know will appreciate them and will look after them for me until I can have them again and I came across one called 'Living luminaries, on the serious business of being happy'. The DVD has interviews with the great and the good in the spiritual world, Marianne Williamson, Eckhart Tolle, Michael Beckwith and all spoke about the transformation that happens when we become free of our thoughts. Listening to these people speak on the DVD last night was inspiring for me and it gave me a lift and re-inforced again that even though sometimes I am terrified about what the next few months are going to bring that this is my soul wanting to live its purpose through me. I can see myself watching this DVD a couple of more times before I leave London.

All of the people on this DVD have something but none of them got it without courage. It is now my time to show courage.......

It's my last week at work. Today I am going to the computer shop to have this laptop fitted with a wirleless card so that I can write anywhere there is a wi-fi connection. It will be something else done. My biggest headache at the moment is clearing this flat out for the new people coming in. Today I have to go to the letting agents and sign the leasing contract. On the DVD last night one of the things that was said was that 'we create our experience of the world'. What struck me was creating our experience, not creating the world. I am creating the experience of leaving my flat and job and going to live in a different city, this is not the world, just my experience of it....hm..tantalising insight.....that I am going to ponder on some more.

Rapidly approaching....the end of things familiar...

I am writing this blog entry from my gym. Writing when and where I can is something that I am going to have to get used to and be flexible with. For years my blog is something I write from the comfort of my flat and in silence so that I can think and focus. In a couple of weeks that is all going to change. I still remain very calm with all of this change. I was at work until 10pm on Thursday night to get things cleared and hand-over notes written and I am amazed at the clarity I now have around my job. Ways of doing things that I just couldn't see when I had it that this was always going to be my job for life are now showing themselves. It is ironic that it is only when I handed my notice in that I suddenly see how to do the job much more efficiently and effectively.



Next weekend there is a Power To Create course which I want to be around. I had a dilemma about this because a guy I used to see a while ago and who was married is coming over to do the course. We lost contact a while ago when I saw that me continuing to be with him had no integrity given the agreement of his marriage vows. We agreed not to have any contact for 6 months. After those 6 months we had email contact where he told me that his marriage had completely broken down and that communication and relations with his wife were at an all time low. I am a stand and committed to what is possible from the distinctions from what is called a new model of communication, one that is based on responsibility, generosity and integrity and not on fixing, changing, or surviving. I spoke to him about this and what would be possible from him at least having a choice at any time to use the distinctions of an old or new model and he listened and did the first course of the communication curriculum in a country outside of the UK.



When he was doing this first course he called me to say how much he was getting from it and he could see where he had been making his wife wrong and that what he was seeing about how he has been communicating was powerful. He then said that he wanted to do the 2nd part of the curriculum in London. I said OK and said that he could stay with me. This was before I had decided to leave London and live in Brighton and before I got closer with the guy from the gym. Even though my relationship with the guy from the gym is casual without any commitment from either of us, I still wouldn't feel comfortable with this man staying here given what we were for each other in the past. I called him and explained about all of the changes I was trying to manage that that it isn't a good idea for him now to stay with me to do the course. He was upset and gave me a lecture on giving my word and now going back on it. The conversation didn't end very positively.



That course is next weekend and I want to be around it. It is the most powerful of the courses and is the 'power to create'. What this means is that I say X and X happens. I see this everywhere, in that I said 'I will go to Brighton and train to be a journalist and this is exactly what is happening'. However in order to create, there has to be a space of nothing. I am on the team management and leadership programme which means I and whoever else is going to be around the course are the clearing for those participants who come to get the course. To someone unfamiliar with the concepts of space and clearing what I am about to write may sound a bit weird or bizarre but bear with me.



In order to create, there must be a space in which there is nothing. At the moment what is in my clearing is resentment against this guy for piling on even more pressure by wanting to stay here with me and I am and making him wrong for doing this. In this clearing, no creation is possible. In order for me to create space in my clearing I had to have a conversation with him. I called him last night and was straight about my wish to be around the course and clear that if he had any thing that was incomplete with me that the course wouldn't be powerful for either of us. He was straight back saying that he bears no animosity towards me for not being able to keep my word and he understands the pressure that I am under. He said he is also under pressure as he tries to find his way through what is becoming an increasingly acrimonious divorce. That there was nothing to worry about, he would find a hotel and was looking forward to the weekend.



I thanked him for his generosity to me and when I hung up I felt this unbelievable lightness and I know that now there is a clearing and a space from which to create powerfully. The more of this training I do the more powerful I become in my conversations at speaking by coming from nothing. Speaking from a space where there is nothing in it. After the phone call I got into action around all the clutter in my flat. Here is another example of making the space for creation. With every black bin bag I throw out I feel lighter and clearer in my mind. The last thing I did before going to bed was to do 45 minutes meditation which went so quickly. I had an image of Dwjal Khul at one point but I didn't dwell on it or make it mean anything, I just smiled, let it go and entered once again into the place of nothing.



I've just had a call from a letting agent who is bringing someone around to view the flat....so walking home I am going to create that it's the ideal flat for these people.....

Gosh it's getting really busy these days. Earlier in the week I gave a presentation to my team on how to bring in 50K to an organisation. This has been a direct result of me giving up the need to control. Since doing that I am able to see opportunities and avenues that in the past I would not have been able to see. It is all a question of freeing up energy. In the past I was using a lot of energy trying to control. Now all of that energy is freed up to create instead of maintain control and the result of it all is freedom and ease.

I had done some preparation for this presentation and apart from one shaky moment at the beginning I sailed right through it. At one point I looked down the table and I had 14 or so pairs of eyes on me alert and attentive and I knew without a shadow of a doubt that this is what I want to do for the rest of my life. I want what comes out of my mouth to interest, inspire and move people and my focus is going to be on spiritual development. I am going to inspire people to really take on the spiritual path. There is physical, mental, emotional and spiritual development and of these I assert that it is the spiritual path that has been most neglected. I have my training structure in the 3 stages of spiritual development that I have often written about in this blog. Since given in my notice at work I am much more self-expressed in this whole area. I am declaring that this is who I am and what I stand for and as a result my communication is more authoritative without being forceful.

The training that I am doing with Landmark that I often write about and attribute many of my breakthroughs to is training me and those who do their courses to be extraordinary people. The choice is always there to be ordinary but the tools that are provided give the access to being extraordinary. A couple of years ago I introduced a friend to the first of these trainings the Landmark Forum she has since gone on to do more training. At some point the integrity of what we do versus what it is in integrity to do comes up and the result can be painful. I have known for some time that she has been unhappy in her work but like me she valued a safe and secure job above taking the risk of uncertainty. In my experience this can only operate like this for a while and a couple of days ago she walked out of her job to pursue her long held dream about writing a book about her ancestors.

I spoke to her at length last night and at the end of the call she told me that I was speaking differently and that everything I said had resonated with her and was powerful. I am not attributing this to me or my brilliance just to what occurs when the courage to step out from certainty to uncertainty is shown.

But I still have wobbly moments. Every morning this week I meant to get up early and clear some shelves or cupboards and I didn't do this any morning this week. But I'm not giving myself a hard time about it I have the faith and confidence that it will get done. I paid down the deposit on the room in Brighton and I have all my books for the course and I am really looking forward to getting down there and starting. I was writing some handover notes for the people who are going to be taking over from me and as I was writing and editing them I thought again about how I really love the magic that comes from making words form sentences on a page. Words are so rich and can create worlds and this is what I absolutely love.

My dream is still to have my own magazine based on my book and which would be all about spiritual development as opposed to psychic development. Cultivating spiritual intelligence makes for a happy and fulfilled life....why because it is being true to that which underlies and underpins our human coating......

After I finished writing my blog last night I went into my bedroom to prepare a ritual for connecting with the Ascended Master Djwhal Khul. I assembled the gold candle and lit it, found the picture of Master Khul in my purse. I didn't want to take the picture out of my purse because is is only paper so precious minutes were spent trying to balance the purse precariously beside the candle with the flap open so I could see his picture. Then I balanced myself on my meditation stool and started to read the invocation to this Hierophansis who would be the intermediary and connect me to Djwhal Khul....yeah right. The only light I had was the light from the candle so I couldn't really see what I was reading. I persevered valiantly and when I had finished reading the invocation I put the paper aside and started to meditate. What a shambles. My mind was everywhere. At one point I thought I could smell burning and thought that the candle had taken fire to the purse. It was a complete and utter shambles and afterwards I felt so stupid.

I had been so sure that I would make a connection but then this is what the mind does it sets up expectations. I have found on this path that I am daring to call spiritual that it is when I have the most expectation that I have the least results. The energy of this Ascended Master was strong around me yesterday that it seemed the right next step somehow to make contact with the energy but it's obviously not and so once again I must be patient and wait for the next step that will unfold without any expectation from me. Time and time again I get taught this lesson and I never listen. I think I know better how this path is going to unfold for me and that is nothing but egotistical arrogance which on the spiritual path is severely punished.

I finished the meditation early and the rest of evening felt so flat. This is an effect of expectation when the mind creates expectatations that don't happen it colours the rest of life. This is why if possible a life lived without any expectation is a happy life. Imagine a life without thoughts or expectations what would that look like. Our thoughts determine whether or not we are happy. We believe our thoughts to be the truth and give them the power to make us happy or unhappy. Bryon Katie has written a great book called 'who would you be without your story'. It is the same as saying 'who would you be without your thoughts' because it is our thoughts that create the story we put around events that happen in our lives. I was heartened to read that she had her experience of awakening in 1986 and yet I have only been aware of her and her work in the last couple of years. It seems to take time for an experience of Awakening to settle down into a form that can be taught and inspire others. Maybe I just want everything too quick.

Today I had a lovely surprise at work. A guy who I don't know and who works in a different department to me sent me an email asking if he could buy my book. I was thrilled and sold him a copy this morning. Some time later I got an email saying how much he was enjoying it.

This is the beauty of life and being open to every opportunity the magic and miracles that happen every day....

Feeling the presence.....of an Ascended Master....

Since I wrote the blog entry about Djwhal Khul. I have been thinking about the whole area of spiritual chanelling. My journey these days is strange in that I find myself revisiting areas that I thought I was clear about. One of these areas is chanelling. In the past I was very dubious and sceptical of those who claimed to channel some spirit entity. Since giving up my need to control everything I seen to be more receptive to a spirit channel. I think I recognise that in order to bring forth information that is not already available or else to bring it through in a different form is going to require more than my own consciousness. As I write this I remember reading once where the Buddha gave his most powerful sermons after a period of meditation.

Many years ago when I was trying to make sense of an experience that had happened to me I requested a taped consultation with a medium. He was a friend of my Reiki master and so I wrote him a letter giving the details of my experience and asked him a couple of questions. The tape came back, I listened to it and then promptly forgot about it. Today I received by email a paper from this same person chanelling the words of The Archangel Hierophanisis (I have never heard of this spirit entity). The gist of the information that came through via Edwin Courtenay who channelled him was the need to have an intermediary on the journey to the Divine. An intermediary that would act as a guide and a protection. This is in direct conflict to what I had thought before. I didn't believe in the need for an intermediary - why do you need a middle-man when you can go direct to the Source. Then to my amazement I read a couple of sentences which seemed to give me a direct answer and I quote them 'modern day mediums are encouraged always to make a strong connection first with their guides for their spirit guide will help them, and will protect and ensure that the link which they are endeavouring to achieve is secure and strong, has integrity and is safe and that they are protected from all ofther forces, existing within the band width that they are seeking contact in, which might otherwise do them harm or mislead them from the light and truth'.

Is this the reason why I have not been able to stop thinking about the Ascended Tibetan Master Djwhal Khul? Is this my link to achieving what I cannot achieve on my own. It is interesting that he is the Master I pulled out of a card pack of Masters on my Reiki training and then I went on to read all of the books he channelled through Alice Bailey. I felt a strong compulsion to try to find a picture of him and so I did a search on the Internet. I was amazed when it said that his vibrational colour was Emerald green because I am also Emerald being born in May. Totally out of character for me I found myself printing off a small pocket size photo of him and cutting it down to a size that fits inside my purse so that every time I open it I will see him. I don't know what to make of this behaviour of mine.

It seems like finally being true to myself and making the decision to leave and pursue with integrity an open spiritual path whatever form that is going to take is giving me an access to energies that I didn't have before. In the past I would not have been open to things like channelling but it's like my consciousness is shifting yet again. This is the fascination of the spiritual path and of how I am travelling it, like a witness, always watching and alert to shifts in my own consciousness and then writing objectively about what is happening.....

Yesterday I went to Brighton to look for somewhere to live. I have been amazed at just how calm I have been since my wobble on New Years Day. I arrived in Brighton and it was a beautiful sunny day. I had 3 places to look at and I felt positive. The first place I looked at was in the centre of Brighton and it was just awful. There was rotting floorboards and paint peeling off the walls and ceiling. I know that it is because it is in the centre of Brighton that it is in such bad condition because it will let very easily to a young student. I am not young and so I am not going to subject myself to those conditions.

I then looked for a bus to take me to the other location which was out of Brighton about 5 miles. I got on the bus and asked the driver whether he knew of the place where I needed to go. His attitude and manner was rude and abrupt. I tried again by asking him if he knew where a specific church was that was near to where I needed to get to. Again, he was rude and without even looking to see what I was pointing to said 'look, I don't know where you want to go and I can't help you'. Before I did the communication curriculum and learned the distinctions from the new model of communication I would have gone right into the old model of making him wrong and being really upset and lose all of my power in the situation. Instead I remembered a distinction called 'giving something up'. I gave up that there was anything wrong in the way he was treating me. Me giving this up created the space for me not to be upset. I then smiled and said 'well it looks like that I'm not riding on your bus today' and jumped off.

The bus pulled off and I sat on the bench at the bus stop amazed at how powerfully I had handled that without feeling any stress or upset. This is the power of the distinctions of the communication curriculum that I am being trained in using for 1 year. I was so calm and able to be with everything. What I also saw was in the space of no upset or making him wrong I had a clarity and could think about other options. I know what would have happened before I would have gone into a blind panic and when there is panic there is no clarity. The sun was beaming down on me and I just sat there enjoying the connection and the warmth and I extended huge acknowledgement and gratitude to what....I honestly don't know.

While I was sitting there I received a call from a friend. I told him that the room I had looked at was terrible and he turned out to know someone who is a landlord in Brighton. He wrote down the kind of accommodation I am looking for and said he would 'see what he could do'. I was so amazed at this turn of events. I hadn't heard from him since before Christmas and then when I was feeling lost but not having the physical signs of being lost in terms of being pannicked and upset....there he was.

Another bus came along and this time the driver couldn't have been more friendly and helpful. He knew exactly where I wanted to go. I found the house and spoke to the lady who is renting the room. It was nicer than the first one because of being that further out fro m Brighton. I got a nice feel to the house and am now thinking about whether or not to call her to confirm that I will take this room. Something is telling me to hold off for now. What I have found amazing is that since I have given up being in control, I now seem to have control but it is with a freedom and ease that was missing before. My lack of upset when I couldn't get to where I wanted to go the first time is a sign of being OK about not being in total control of the situation right then. I also noticed that in the past when something like this would happen that I would go and buy some chocolate or something sweet. It was my way of dealing with stress. I knew it was stress hunger because it came on the minute something didn't go my way or I couldn't control it and could only be satisfied by something sweet. An apple would never have done it. This time when I couldn't get on the bus which would normally have been a trigger for me, there was no trigger. This is so much a victory over the past and I savour and am so grateful for each time I can see how my way of being is a victory over the past.

I had to return to London because we had a classroom that evening. I arranged to meet up with a woman on Team who lives and works in Brighton. Even though the day hadn't been that productive and I was freezing because of all the walking I had done to enroll for my course with the college and go and view rooms I was also incredibly relaxed and the journey was fun and enjoyable. The classroom began with a discussion on integrity and the impact when integrity is out. I was sitting there feeling smug and saying to myself 'my integrity is never out because I am always here on time and never have to restore my integrity'. Then what I realized which really shocked me is that I only have integrity because I want to look good, I want to be a good girl so that I don't get singled out. I also use integrity as a kind of bargaining tool. A kind of 'I will keep my word and then life will work out for me'. This has no power and is inauthentic in that it is 'in order to'. Anything that is an 'in order to ' lacks integrity and is not authentic. I got the impact of only having integrity to look good or as an insurance policy and I felt myself go hot and cold in the seat. The power of transformation comes in the impact. The impact is felt and then transformation happens. Transformation is the shifting of a context. So in that moment integrity shifted for me from being about looking good to others and myself to being authentically about it being a foundation for power without any 'in order to'.

This is the power that comes when we really 'get' something. To get something is for it to penetrate deep to the cellls of the body. Now that I have seen and got that, I can never go back to using integrity as an 'in order to'. I can, but now it will be a choice if and when I do. Before last night how I was using it was hidden from my view. It was an inauthentic way of being that I had around integrity, it wasn't wrong but it had no power. What I saw also is that this inauthentic way of being had nothing to do with me consciously creating it that way. It is what the personality with the identity did in order to survive which is what its concerned with. Its not concerned about transformation or being powerful. In fact it is the opposite, it views transformation as a threat to its existence which is why it is so covert in how it drives our behaviour. All of these insights and understandings made last night a powerful classroom for me.

Today I went on a training session which was to do with listening. Listening is the first of 2 abilities that comprise communication, the first being speaking. I learned how it is the listening that I have for another that gives the context for what it is I say to the person I am speaking with. If my listening for another is that they are not great then the content of what I say will reflect the context of this listening. I found this also very powerful. The training I am doing in becoming a master in the new model of communication involves a lot of self-expression and saying what's there. What I hadn't really taken on before today was the power that listening has in creating effective communication. I really understand that now and I am committed to trying out some of what I learned today.

I don't have long more to go for work. At work I cannot believe how everything is flowing and I am managing to get all of my handover notes written. I seem to have a clarity about my job now that I am leaving that I never thought I had when I was doing it which seems a bit bizarre but that is how it feels.

I'm going to do some meditation now. That is another area that has totally turned around. I look forward now to sitting for up to an hour. I have started doing visualisations using the 7 chakras of the body. This is strange because in the past I have always thought 'the existence of chakras hasn't been proven therefore I'm not going to work with them'. Coming across the book on Ascension and Transformation has shifted all that. Now when I meditate and visualise the chakras and their colours they feel very real to me. I imagine the crown chakra opening and it feels like it does, then the 3rd eye and so on down to the base chakra which houses the powerful transformative kundalini energy. I still have tremendous awe and respect for this energy at the base of the spine and am careful not to force my meditation at certain chakras. If it is to rise again it will do so in its own time and without being forced will be natural and safe.

After I do my meditation I am then going to tackle more shelves and wardrobes here and get more stuff into boxes for the charity shop. I can't explain it but I really feel that there's a clean out in every area of my life at the moment. Could it be that all of the time I have spent playing safe and small was preparation for what this year is going to bring. I would like to end by sharing a sentence that ended my traininig today; it was 'It's 2009 - the year to shine........the only way to shine is to be true to oneself and others and to also be willing to consider that there is lots of things hidden from our view and have the willingness to go into an enquiry. As Plato said 'the unexamined life is not worth living'.....

After I did my meditation last night I had this strong compulsion to clean out the books that are in the bedroom and that I haven't looked at for ages. I have been slowly clearing out this flat and it feels like it is a reflection of my life. The hardest part is putting the books into the brown boxes ready to take to the charity shop but once they are in the box then I feel a huge sense of freedom.

However one book I rediscovered and which I have been drawn freshly to again is called 'Prelude to Ascension' - Tools for Transformation. It is a channelled text which means that a spirit used a human form to channell information designed to raise the vibration of the human consciousness. The human channel in this case was a lady called Janet McClure. The spirit whom she channelled was the Tibetan Master Djwhal Khul. I don't remember reading much of this book when I first got it. It is written in a very casual and conversational tone.

I had some concerns after writing my blog last night about what I wrote about my addictive bingeing and was wondering whether or not there really is any connection between addiction and spirituality. I started to read a few lines of this book and was amazed when it spoke about the link between addictions, beliefs and the sub-conscious. I quote from page 20 'You must, in a sense free the physical vehicle of all of its addictions before freeing the belief structure - and yet you must free the belief structure before freeing the physical addictions'. So what I wrote is a natural part of the personality but is unacceptable when on a spiritual path which is why so much importance is laid on freeing the consciousness from all addictions no matter what they might be.

Finding this book again is significant for another reason. When I was doing my Reiki 1 training my teacher had cards of all of the Ascended Masters and they were laid face down on the table. We were all asked to choose one. When I turned my card over it was of Djwhal Khul. I had no idea who he was but I remember feeling quite comforted by the fact that it was him. After that I went on to read most of the books that he channelled through Alice Bailey and I always found them easy to read and understand. I see all of them like a story. So it was strange to once again find myself in contact with this Tibetan Master. Yet I have a deep fear of channelling. It's all about control again and I thought that I had given all of that up. I don't want my consciousness to be taken over by a spirit no matter how ascended he or she might be. Yet how can I be open to real and powerful transformation if I want to be in charge all of the time. Transformation happens and I'm not aware of it and so to refuse to be a channell and bring through information from other realms that would change and shift this world is very small of me.

As I write this I am looking at the picture of Janet McClure that is on the back of the book. She left her body in 1990. Is this Tibetan Master looking for another body aagh....I don't want it to be me at least not yet. I don't think I'm ready to set aside my own opinions and views and have the kind of openess and trust that being an effective channel requires. I do find it a bit strange how this has happened again at this time. What I also realised from reading a couple of the chapters is how at home I am with channelled information. I have been so busy with the team management and leadership programme that my spiritual reading has been neglected. I was reminded again last night just how comfortable I am with it all. I felt in sync with the text when it talked about the need for balance of physical, emotional, mental and spiritual and how sometimes one takes over at the expense of the others. I could relate to this in that for so many years my emotions were repressed in favour of the spiritual which led to me being unbalanced. It is always good to have ideas confirmed by texts like these. What I know for sure is that there is only one Truth but infinite ways to that Truth.

I remain positive about what the future is going to hold. Having such an ease and understanding of the transformation that leads to ascension has boosted my confidence in the decision I have made..... My powerful meditations are also offering the same insights....

The more I meditate.....the more life flows....

I am finding that the more that I meditate the more that life flows and I have lots of energy. I am convinced that stress is the sole cause of illness. I have written about my breakdown on New Years Day with trying to develop a spreadsheet. This caused me to have more stress in that hour than I have had most of the year. I noticed that in the evening on New Years Day I had a blocked nose and a cough. Up to that morning I was perfectly healthy. There was no sickness among any of the members of my family or relatives. I noticed that the last time I had something similar was a day after I gave in my notice at work. It was interesting at work today that so many people came back either with colds or were off sick altogether. I am grateful that I can see so clearly this connection. I wonder if it's the kind of permanent underlying stress that results in more serious illnesses. I am not a doctor so this is just me using this blog to speculate.

I am so de-mob happy at work. I have loads to do to get ready handover notes for whoever is going to take over my portfolio but somehow I know that I will get them done. The people who I thought might be interested in renting out my flat are not so that it is a slight worry but tomorrow I will contact another estate agent and put it with them. I know that if I always keep the end goal in mind and then take little regular steps towards that goal that everything will work out. It is when we have a goal in one area of life but are working in another that great things cannot be achieved because the lack of integrity confuses the universe and so nothing magical or amazing can be created. To live a life that works there has to be integrity. I wonder if it is because I have finally accepted that I have no integrity working where I am given who and what I say I am and am doing something about it that I feel so happy and so self-expressed and without any self-consciousness.

One amazing thing also is that for as long as I can remember I have had an eating disorder, not anorexia or bulimia but a destructive pattern of emotional binge-eating. For the first time since I was 12 I didn't binge at home this Christmas. In fact, I haven't binged at all since I gave in my notice at work. Before I would come home from work, sit on the couch lacking in energy and then eat whatever was here in the flat. Then the morning would come and my first thoughts would be ones of self-hatred and then I would drag myself to the gym to try to undo the effects of the night before. At one point I thought that this was a spiritual training for my ego, in case I was becoming too ego inflated with all of the spiritual insights I was having. I see now that it was just a simple case of me using food to block out uncomfortable emotions about what I should be doing with my life. I was trying to block out the inner urgings not to live a life that was about playing safe and small and because I didn't want to be with those emotions I put myself into a food trance. The sense of freedom now that I feel knowing that I can go to the gym solely for the enjoyment of exercise and not as some self-purgation is just enormous. To wake up in the morning and for the first thought not to be what did I eat last night is so freeing.

This binging didn't happen every night and there were lots of mornings that I woke up and I had a few precious seconds of nothingness before the first thought entered into consciousness. I try to build on these moments because it is when the consciousness is in a state of nothingness that powerful opportunities can be created. It is so difficult to put words on this state. It is only something that can be experienced. I find that in my meditations I can achieve a similar state which is another breakthrough for me compared to how fraught and difficult my meditation was in the past. From all of these shifts I am convinced that the path of transformation is the journey that the human consciousness is destined to follow. The key to all of it is to be OK with uncertainty and this is the greatest challenge. The mind does not like uncertainty but transformation is only possible in the space of uncertainty. The uncertainty that is around in the world at the moment is putting the world in the space necessary for transformation to the next level of human evolution or what I have asserted is the shift from the human to the spiritual. The way to survive and prosper is to embrace this uncertainty and look for opportunities inside of it to be creative and not competitive and not to resist it in any way. The more we resist uncertainty the stronger it gets. It is the same as when we resist anything. Resisting uses up energy which is not then available to create something new. No resistance equals free flowing energy.

The first few days of 2009........

On New Years Day I had a major breakdown. I got up early to develop a spreadsheet so that I could manage my responsibility for love and acknowledgement among team members. I took on the responsibility for this function at the beginning of this quarter of my year long team management and leadership course but I didn't have a structure and everything broke down. Acknowledgement is one of the distinctions from the new model of communication that I am being trained to be a master in this year. Acknowledgement creates the space for love and acceptance. Acknowledgement for acknowledgements sake not for any in order to or to achieve some desired result is hugely powerful. At Christmas I acknowledged my mum for who she is for my dad and it created a wonderful space. When I was leaving to return to London she said to me that it had been the best Christmas ever for her. I am convinced that mastering these distinctions is the access for me to have love and affinity in all of my relationships. Everything can be solved in communication.

As acknowledgement responsible I was not ensuring that the members of team are being acknowledged by those who volunteered to do this acknowledging each week. The impact is that a powerful distinction in creating amazing communication is not alive and team members are not feeling related to each other. The impact on me is that I'm left feeling powerless and bemoaning to myself for the umpteenth time that I am not a leader because I am unable to create the structures necessary for leadership. New Years Day, a new year and I woke up with a new resolve to move through my block with structures. I took out an old structure that the person last quarter had used and started messing around with it trying to match the team members with those team members that said they would like to do these acknowledgement calls. What a nightmare, no matter how much cutting and pasting I did I couldn't get it to work. Then I had a thought about everything I'm going to have to manage when I give up my flat here in London and take on a new way of living and being in Brighton and it all became too much and I dissolved in floods of tears over my laptop in my flat wailing into the silence 'I can't do structures'.

After a couple of minutes of Niagara Falls I composed myself and immediately thought of a woman on team who is a whiz with structures as she works in IT project management. I called and left a message and immediately felt better. About 5 mins later she called and said that she woke up feeling really low and went and had a shower and thought about how she would like to call me for a chat. Then she saw she had a message and it was from me and she was so delighted. She spent some minutes crying about her romantic breakdown over the Christmas period and I spent minutes crying about my inability to put together a simple bloody spreadsheet and then we both ended up laughing. She talked me through how to put together the structure for each week. I was slow putting it together until I had finished week 3 and then 'Eureka' it suddenly clicked what she was doing and I flew then putting together the remaining weeks for acknowledgement for the team. This was the same as everything else, a real block until I get it and then I fly. I'm not saying now that I have disappeared my abject fear and hatred of spreadsheets but I won't fly into as much a panic as I have done in the past.

Yesterday I did a special communication agreement. This involves calling graduates and speaking to them about how the distinctions of the communication curriculum can assist them in getting what it is they want to have in their lives. 2 more of the distinctions of the new model are being of service and being of contribution so throughout all of the calls I made and conversations I had I was always thinking how can I be of service for what this person wants to have in their lives. I had 2 exciting and fulfilling conversations and I really saw the power of coming from nothing, getting powerfully into another persons world and the only intention in the call being how to be of service and contribution was just so powerful. Afterwards I went for a cup of coffee with the woman who helped me to do the spreadsheet for love and acknowledgement and I was aware at just how relaxed and easy I was. I was able to be with silences in the conversation, to make light of things and just be present. This is so different to how it was last quarter.

I meditate now seriously each morning and evening and I find especially when I do the out of body consciousness meditation that Manuel Schoch showed me how to do that my body feels really heavy on the stool. For me it appears to be my consciousness that gives the lightness and ease to my body. When I visualise another image of me outside of my body and breathe into that my physical body gets very heavy and a current energy seems to run through my hands and around my body. I emerge from meditation these days very relaxed and with an enthusiasm and excitement for life and for what the next few months are going to bring.

For the first time I have written down my goal for this year which is to have my own spiritual magazine based on my book and to have a breakthrough with the guy from the gym. I have moved through so many different spaces with him and slowly I am becoming more emotional. I have written in this blog that my focus on the spiritual for so many years which involved developing a strong degree of emotional control has left me with not a lot of emotional intelligence. I am slowly building up the trust to let that go. It will be a test for both of us when I leave London to live in Brighton. I am still waiting for a similar breakthrough into what the fact is that made me put into place the need to have emotional control. I got why I needed to control my environment and everything I did but the reason for the emotional control is still proving frustratingly elusive.

In general though I am feeling positive, alive and free. I still don't like to write when I'm feeling down and overwhelmed with everything because I want to look good to readers of this blog. I understand that this is not authentic but it still feels nicer to write when I'm feeeling happy and positive about everything......