As the days draw ever closer to my leaving I look for little reassurances that I am doing the right thing. I watched the DVD on happiness again last night and felt a sense of frustration that I can't speak as powerfully as these luminaries. I know exactly what they are saying, I have had the direct experience of what they are saying yet my words lack their power and conviction.

When I was clearing out my bookshelves I found my old set of tarot cards. Reading tarot cards is a stage I went through many years ago. I had thought that I would read them professionally and went to get some professional training from a long experienced tarot card reader who I knew. I did 15 weeks of training with him and was just about to begin a business when I had a dream, the details of which are hazy now but it involved me being shown something that was beginning to be open and then slammed shut. I made that dream mean that I shouldn't read tarot cards professionally. I don't know whether this is the right meaning for the dream but it is what occurred to me. I listened and never read the cards professionally.

So last night standing in my flat with my pack of tarot cards in my hands felt strange. I felt a strong compulsion to give myself a quick reading. I shuffled the pack and picked out 3 cards at random, 1 for the past, 1 for the present, and 1 for the future. For the past I picked out a powerful card from the major arcana pack and that is the wheel of fortune. I thought this was apt because the powerful experience I had which involved the release of energy from the base of my spine on a meditation retreat has been for me the most powerful transformative experience. It shifted my consciousness from things of the outer to the inner and in that shift my consciousness has expanded so that I have a clarity about the process of spiritual development, the steps it involves and the challenges along the way.

The card I picked at random to represent the present was the 4 Swords. This is depicted by a knave lying in a coffin and is a card of waiting, of things needing time to come together, a time of uncertainty and trust, a card of complete surrender and this is exactly where I am these days. The card that represented the future is the 7 pentacles. This is shown by a knave working and looking pleased at the results of his work and it is a very good card for me for the future. It is a card of abundance.

Even though the cards were accurate as far as I interpreted them I feel a little bit of a traitor. In my book I make a firm distinction between being psychic and being spiritual. Reading tarot cards for me is psychic and I have thought that to focus on the psychic is to shut the door on the spiritual. To my amazement I am now re-thinking this position. Tarot cards are just a tool for opening and awakening consciousness. To develop the 6th chakra or the 3rd eye to be able to perceive and work with other dimensions. I have never thought of myself as psychic but maybe that is because I have been too wary of the whole area of psychic development as part of the journey towards spiritual awakening. Perhaps my slow progress is because of my reluctance to go down a psychic route whether this is channeling, clairvoyancy. It is at times like this that I really miss a teacher. I feel like I am so alone on this journey. Yet it is a journey by the alone to the alone and I have to accept that.

Perhaps when I am in Brighton and being true to this path and giving workshops on developing a spiritual path, I will get some insights into the part psychic development plays in the development of the spiritual. Yet I should welcome this uncertainty because it is only in the space of uncertainty that growth happens.

This morning I have another creation call to get ready for the power to create course this weekend. From the DVD last night I understand freshly how our real nature is emptiness or space. Take away our thoughts, opinions, point of views and all we are is the space from which to create. This is why the space of 'no thought' is such a powerful creative space. Those moments in the mornings when I lie awake and there are no thoughts are my most happiest times. What there is for me to do to be most powerful this weekend is to be vigilant with anything in my consciousness that is taking up precious space and give it up. To give it up takes action on my part. At the moment there is worry in my consciousness so what I will do is to call someone today, declare that it is there and give it up. Creating space in our consciousness is a moment by moment choice all of us have. Every time we give up a view, or an opinion space is created.....the space to create something from nothing....