Thursday, 29 January 2009

The last night......I will call this flat home......

Today has been a strange day. For the first time in a long time I woke up this morning and didn't want to get out of bed. I lay there for a while kind of paralysed. Eventually I got up and did 1 hr of meditation after which I felt relaxed and calm. I created a new empowering context for myself for the day which is to 'make a difference with freedom and ease'. I had a couple of phone calls and then set with enthusiasm to trying to clear everything. After about 1 hr it dawned on me that there is no way that I am going to be able to do everything by myself. And for the first time I felt panic. I thought of a friend who is not working at present and the moment I did this I felt immediate relief. I had thought of her earlier but then had done my usual 'I can do it on my own' thing. I just knew that today I wasn't able to do it on my own. Today I was more vulnerable and shaky than I have been since I gave in my notice.

I called my friend and offered to pay her train ticket if she would come over and be here with me to pack up. To my absolute delight she said 'I'm leaving in 10 mins'. I was so happy. It wasn't so much the packing as the loneliness that was threatening to get to me today. She arrived and I immediately felt much happier. It was great to hear what it was like for her not working and I was struck by how calm she was. We had a really lovely day and I was so grateful to her for coming over. She like my other friend is reading this blog and I asked her for her view on how she is finding it. To my surprise she said the same as my other friend that it is becoming boring. She also shares the same views as my other on friend on the Landmark training and also commented that this blog tends to promote heavily Landmark and its technology. I intend to think seriously about this feedback and look at what I can write that will give the insights and understandings without attributing it to Landmark. I haven't done this in the past because it seemed inauthentic to share insights and understandings without declaring their source. But maybe this is not necessary and to share from a place of shifts and transformations within my own life is sufficient. I am very grateful to both of my friends for their clear and direct comments. I see their commitment to me to having a blog that is interesting and informative and not boring.

My friend left to go home and suddenly my flat felt very big and bare. Most things are packed away in boxes and I've never had so much space. It's also reflected in my mind in how clearly I see everything now. I found things today that I had thought I had lost forever and my delight in finding them was so childlike. I still have such a lot to do before I leave tomorrow afternoon but I will get up early and finish the rest of it off. The people who live downstairs invited me to come down for a farewell glass of wine and I went down. It was strange to hear the woman chatting about how difficult she is finding her work at the moment but doesn't want to leave without another job to go to. I gave a wry smile and thought, would I do this if I had my time over again and the emphatic answer is YES. I don't know what the next few months are going to bring but I know how I had felt being at work during the final few months and I wouldn't go back to that, not for anything.

I also want to take up an accountable position on the training I am doing as it is my last quarter of the training. In a strange way I want to see whether the assertion that living a life which is in integrity is to live a powerful life and have everything work with freedom and ease. This is my last quarter so if I didn't do it now I would never know.

Then my mum and brother called to wish me luck which was great. I know that my mum is worried about me but yet, as always, offers nothing but support and encouragement. I think I am so lucky in that all of my life I have done exactly what I want to. I haven't had to make any compromises or sacrifices for anything to anyone. This to me is complete freedom. What I don't know is the cost to those for whom I haven't made any sacrifices or compromises. I am thinking of my elderly parents and of how much more I could do for them than I do. I think part of me leaving London to pursue a journalism course is someday to be in Ireland either writing for a magazine or managing my own magazine from Ireland. I have faith that if I create it powerfully then it will happen.

Today I changed over the the gas, electricity and water. In 2 cases out of 3 I was told that I was in credit. This is amazing because I pay by direct debit so didn't think that I would be due any refund but apparently there is some money going to be coming into my account. I've signed the contracts with the new tenants. Tomorrow night will be the real test when I am away from everything that is familiar. I couldn't bear to part with the DVD's from the spiritual cinema circle that I was a member of so depending on the computer working I will be spending tomorrow night re-watching some of these inspiring films.

Now I'm off to do some my very last night in a flat I have lived in for 12 years..

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