The more I meditate.....the more life flows....

I am finding that the more that I meditate the more that life flows and I have lots of energy. I am convinced that stress is the sole cause of illness. I have written about my breakdown on New Years Day with trying to develop a spreadsheet. This caused me to have more stress in that hour than I have had most of the year. I noticed that in the evening on New Years Day I had a blocked nose and a cough. Up to that morning I was perfectly healthy. There was no sickness among any of the members of my family or relatives. I noticed that the last time I had something similar was a day after I gave in my notice at work. It was interesting at work today that so many people came back either with colds or were off sick altogether. I am grateful that I can see so clearly this connection. I wonder if it's the kind of permanent underlying stress that results in more serious illnesses. I am not a doctor so this is just me using this blog to speculate.

I am so de-mob happy at work. I have loads to do to get ready handover notes for whoever is going to take over my portfolio but somehow I know that I will get them done. The people who I thought might be interested in renting out my flat are not so that it is a slight worry but tomorrow I will contact another estate agent and put it with them. I know that if I always keep the end goal in mind and then take little regular steps towards that goal that everything will work out. It is when we have a goal in one area of life but are working in another that great things cannot be achieved because the lack of integrity confuses the universe and so nothing magical or amazing can be created. To live a life that works there has to be integrity. I wonder if it is because I have finally accepted that I have no integrity working where I am given who and what I say I am and am doing something about it that I feel so happy and so self-expressed and without any self-consciousness.

One amazing thing also is that for as long as I can remember I have had an eating disorder, not anorexia or bulimia but a destructive pattern of emotional binge-eating. For the first time since I was 12 I didn't binge at home this Christmas. In fact, I haven't binged at all since I gave in my notice at work. Before I would come home from work, sit on the couch lacking in energy and then eat whatever was here in the flat. Then the morning would come and my first thoughts would be ones of self-hatred and then I would drag myself to the gym to try to undo the effects of the night before. At one point I thought that this was a spiritual training for my ego, in case I was becoming too ego inflated with all of the spiritual insights I was having. I see now that it was just a simple case of me using food to block out uncomfortable emotions about what I should be doing with my life. I was trying to block out the inner urgings not to live a life that was about playing safe and small and because I didn't want to be with those emotions I put myself into a food trance. The sense of freedom now that I feel knowing that I can go to the gym solely for the enjoyment of exercise and not as some self-purgation is just enormous. To wake up in the morning and for the first thought not to be what did I eat last night is so freeing.

This binging didn't happen every night and there were lots of mornings that I woke up and I had a few precious seconds of nothingness before the first thought entered into consciousness. I try to build on these moments because it is when the consciousness is in a state of nothingness that powerful opportunities can be created. It is so difficult to put words on this state. It is only something that can be experienced. I find that in my meditations I can achieve a similar state which is another breakthrough for me compared to how fraught and difficult my meditation was in the past. From all of these shifts I am convinced that the path of transformation is the journey that the human consciousness is destined to follow. The key to all of it is to be OK with uncertainty and this is the greatest challenge. The mind does not like uncertainty but transformation is only possible in the space of uncertainty. The uncertainty that is around in the world at the moment is putting the world in the space necessary for transformation to the next level of human evolution or what I have asserted is the shift from the human to the spiritual. The way to survive and prosper is to embrace this uncertainty and look for opportunities inside of it to be creative and not competitive and not to resist it in any way. The more we resist uncertainty the stronger it gets. It is the same as when we resist anything. Resisting uses up energy which is not then available to create something new. No resistance equals free flowing energy.