Tuesday 8 December 2009

I never failed....because I never finished anything....so how could I fail....

These days my insights into just how my identity has been operating in life are both exhilarating and painful. I feel like I have a crystal ball and everyday I look into the depths of myself and see yet another area where I thought the way I operated was down to a Divinely ordained attribute and then to discover it is a strategy used by my identity for its survival and to prevent me from accessing my full potential as a human being. The deeper I delve the more exhilarating the find but also the tougher the process to unconceal the truth of what really lies within. As I get more closer to that which remains when everything else has been unconcealed the more challenges there are for me. Also just because something becomes unconcealed doesn't mean that it no longer operates to sabotage. It is just that there is an awareness about its presence and its modus operandi. This is what is meant by developing self-awareness. Self-awareness is the path to spiritual awakening - without it nothing spiritually is possible. Self-awareness is necessary for emotional growth also as without it our emotions would have free rein.

Yesterday I had the experience of realizing that just because an aspect of the identity becomes known to consciousness doesn't mean that it stops operating. I was sure that realizing that deciding that something was a failure is only a failure of performance would shift my level of performance without me having to do anything. That simply seeing that would be enough...such wishful thinking! I had been asked to bring some important papers to London yesterday and what happened.....I forgot them! In the past I would have been so hard on myself and accusing myself of all sorts....this time...I saw it purely as a failure of performance - I hadn't put in place a structure to remind me or better, put the papers straight away into the bag I was taking. What this has shown me is that it is insight+vigilance+action that creates transformative shifts and not mental gymnastics on its own. I have seen how much of an insight junkie I have been over the years. But insights without action produces no shifts and no elevation in power and performance......how clear all of this is now.

I now understand why I never finished anything in the past. The fact that I have a book is solely down to having an editor who took it on. I remember with everything I did saying 'I'll leave it and come back and finish it' but I never did and so minutes went out not quite finished, in fact in most things that I sent out when I was in my last job went out unfinished in some way or another and then I used to beat myself up that I never sent out anything correct. I see now that I couldn't send out something 'finished' because then if I failed and it was found to be wrong it would be about me as a person and not about my performance and me as a human being couldn't take it being as a failure of 'me' - too many of those kinds of failures and the deep existential fear was that I wouldn't exist. Whoever has put together the design of human being is nothing short of a genius. The rules of the game that the ONE has put in place to make the game with the MANY as varied and enjoyable are really intricate and worthy of a great designer who also has an amazing sense of humour!

Yesterday wasn't a good day which is why there was no blog entry. My Dad who will be 87 next year is not feeling well. He is complaining of pains in his head. As an only daughter I have always felt very close to my dad. He has been the one person in my life who has always been consistent in the way he has treated me. He is the one from whom I learned the importance of integrity and of being your word. I know that I have been so lucky to have him still when the parents of so many of my friends have lost theirs, that for me to still have both of mine alive has been a gift and I can't expect to be spared the pain that all of us go through when we lose a parent but somehow maybe there is still so many childlike elements there in that I don't want to be without a father. For the past couple of years as a result of a stroke he hasn't been able to speak a lot but yet he still manages to have an active voice solely by his presence. I will soon be home for Christmas so am creating that we all have a great Christmas together. But as my Dad said to me the last time I was home 'it could be one day, one week, or even one minute' and as he said this he looked me directly in the eye and I said simply 'I know' as I looked deeply into the eyes of the one man who has loved me unconditionally even if he has never said it...

I am also re-working my article for the website and feel really motivated now that I can look at everything in terms of performance and what I put in and what is missing in how I perform across every area of my life. The freedom that is in that for me is difficult to do justice to in this blog but I hope by the energy that comes through in this blog that readers are getting an insight into what makes us tick as human beings.....the next step is to unconceal these aspects for yourselves.....don't take my word for it...because anything I write is not the way it truly is...it is just the way it is occuring for me....

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