I had such a brilliant weekend. Before this weekend I was so restless and resistant. I felt that I couldn't focus on anything and when I did focus it wasn't for very long. There was a part of me that did not want to do the training that was going to be available this weekend. I met my friend early on Saturday morning and we travelled up on the train together. Once again I was struck by how relaxed I was. I can so value now being in the company of people and I only see them as there to contribute to me and for me to contribute to them. I have such compassion for people now. The vietnamese monk Thick Nhat Hahn says that to be happy we have to 'learn to look at people with the eyes of compassion' and I can put my hand on my heart now and say that I genuinely can do that.
But what is quite tragic is that a good intention to do this, like say you read this and think 'yes, this is really what I want to do' but the truth is that earlier in life you have had an experience where the identity made a decision about not being safe among the very people who you want to be able to look at with the eyes of compassion and feel connected, then no matter how deep and strong the aspiration is, it's never going to happen because of the unconscious driver of not feeling safe. So where I am left now is wondering about what the point is of all of these self-help books and also dare I say it spiritual books that promise such a lot but don't always or often even give the tools by which to realize their promises and claims. This is why to be free as human beings it is so important to do some training in understanding what are the decisions I made as a child which is making me the adult that I am today. There are lots of training schools around that do this. I am with one and it is working very powerfully and effectively for me but there are many others. The important thing is to begin this process and to have enough humility to recognise that the way we are constructed as human beings means that we cannot do it by ourselves. Why....because what is doing it is the mind, this is the structure which has caused us to suffer in the first place. So to use the structure that has caused suffering to then use it to relieve it by understanding is never going to work.
What I saw this weekend was that when I was given the results of an intelligence test when I was 15 and they were bad that I made it mean that I had failed as a person. My being, who I was, had failed. This weekend I learned that I hadn't failed, but my performance had failed. That is now a huge shift for me. I understand now why I have struggled with performing and being effective; it is because I have made every failure be about me, and not about my performance. When I made it about me, I became smaller and less visible with every failure. I am clear that this is yet another tool that the identity uses to keep us playing small. By being programmed to take every failure as a failure of human being and not of performance we don't want to perform to our full potential because of risk of failure should we fail is too threatening to our being which the identity would make it mean had failed.
I had noticed this in myself in that when I thought I had failed that I closed down and I had often wondered about this. Why did I close down from sharing with people openly and freely everywhere and anywhere what I have observed and experienced from my years of being interested in the spiritual line of development of human beings. I knew that I didn't care what people think of me, so what was the block. Now I understand the block was in me making every so called failure be about me as a person and not about my performance. When failure becomes about performance then it is not threatening. It becomes about being curious and looking to see what was missing that could have elevated that performance. It becomes about the game that it is...looking for what is missing...not what is wrong.
I stayed with my friend and at the training was a guy who had travelled quite a distance to be there. He also stayed with my friend because he had no accommodation booked. It was late on Saturday night when we got back and I was tired and as nights are not my best times I excused myself and went to bed. I got up early the next morning to do the assignment that we had been given the night before and shortly after my friend and this guy got up. We had such a good conversation and for me it is so refreshing to see younger people doing this training and young people who are doing it not to fix or change anything about themselves but really to make a difference. The lady I stayed with is a psychotherapist and she had never met anyone who was doing this training to make a difference and to bring about a compassionate, loving and connected world for no other reason than just to do this. This totally shifted her context and I saw her for the first time more happy and relaxed and confident about what this training can offer for all people no matter what their history and background. Once again I marvelled at the design of life that puts people and events in our path for us to learn and grow from and the only thing required of us is to be open and receptive.
Coming back on the train with my friend we had some wine and some hot cross buns and at one point there was a lull in the conversation so I took the opportunity to gaze out of the window and just really connect with that force that is allowing me a little insight into how it works and my heart filled with such deep love and gratitude and absolutely humility.....who am I that I should have been given such a gift of grace as this weekend. I went to this weekend committed beyond anything not to return until I had an answer as to why I felt blocked in my ability to be effective and to perform to my maximum potential. I am clear that it was the courage to declare it and also the willingness to take responsibility for what I have made failure to mean in the past and to begin again is why I received the gift that I have....
What has been missing for me up to now has been nothing, absolutely nothing in who I am as a person. What has been missing are structures, rigorous planning and taking action. Performance is about action....nothing else......
Tomorrow....starts another week and I feel so excited and happy.
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