Sometimes it really is difficult to write this blog. Earlier today I responded to a comment that suggested I might have a very mild version of Asperger's syndrome. If this is true then it would bring clarity to so many things. I will contact the autistic society tomorrow but I have spent the last couple of hours reading up about it and apart from my tendancy to interpret things literally I don't have any of the other symptoms. It could be argued that my obsessive tendancy to make this blog into a spiritual blog is symptom of Asperger's. It is good to know that I interpret things literally because now I can have fun with it and not make myself wrong for being like this.
It is like anything, once you become aware of it there is a choice in how to use it. While I was unaware of it, it was using me, in that I wasn't aware of how others could see that this is how I operate in life. It is another thing that was hidden from my view. Now that I am aware of it I can use it consciously. I can have the upper hand instead of being on the back foot. I think it also makes me more honest in what I write in that what you see and what I write is genuinely what is there. There is no ulterior motive in what I write only the desire for people to take on with awareness the first stage of the three part spiritual journey from ego to soul, perception to knowledge, consciousness to awareness.
Where would the world be now if Ghandhi had given up in the face of opposition. I'm like Ghandhi in that I have the same inner drive to make a difference. Ghandhi was clear in his purpose, which was liberation for India. My goal is similar in that it is the liberation of the soul from the ego personality. Sometimes you have to keep going in spite of all the odds in pursuit of a higher purpose that you feel strongly enough about. Oftentimes this purpose will make it a lonely road, incomprehensible to many.
I know for sure that if I were to lose my spiritual connection, if I lost the deep sense of peace and ease I have and if I was returned to the neurotic woman I was before I had a profound experience in 1999 then I would not be writing this blog. I am writing this blog because something bigger than me wants this blog written. I was listening to the radio this morning and it was about mother Teresa and how she lamented to friends that she had lost her connection with a Presence. The day I lose this connection is the day I no longer write this blog.
I lost it once when I became afraid of what had been given to me because I thought something was expected of me and I didn't know what. I did something foolish and for one week that sense of deep peace and calm was gone. I immediately knew what I had lost. What saddened me most about the loss was the distance I had to spiritual writings. Usually I am very close to them and have an easy understanding, all of this went during these five days. At the end of the five days the peace and calm returned and has never left me. During the time I had lost it I never craved for it to return. I was happy for the time I had had it and deeply remorseful for being so selfish as to want it unconditionally. That's why when it returned I revered it as the most precious thing I have and do to this day. But should a day come when this connection is withdrawn, then I will withdraw. It will be my dark night of the soul. Until that day comes I am going to continue to share what happens and what I learn within a spiritual context.
It is why when at 4.30am I don't get up immediately that I will wake naturally with enough time to write the blog before going to work. All I have is an inner urgency. If I am asked to explain that inner urgency then I can't. I have spoken about the dream I often have where I play safe and then at the end of my life am shown what I was given and didn't share because I wanted to play small and I resolve that it is not going to happen. If all I had were the years of my book learning without any experience I wouldn't be writing this blog. There are better writers than me and easier to understand books. It is the ongoing power of these experiences that is the driver for this blog.
Maybe I should begin meditating again and perhaps one of the ascended masters might come to me and tell me in person what this inner urgency is about. The trouble is that this would be a visual perception and as I am deeply distrustful of deities that are seen in the mind during meditation I probably would dismiss it anyway, so there's no channel there. All I can do is to keep writing in the clumsy way I am. In hindsight were I to start a blog like this again I wouldn't put my picture on it or write with my real name. I did it this way because I wanted to be honest about who I was and the journey I was on. I didn't stop to consider the possible impact on and implications for my family. Through this blog I want to say a sincere sorry to anyone this blog has offended or embarassed.
If I wasn't convinced that me using myself as a human case study in the transition from the human to the spiritual wasn't going to inspire anyone then there is no chance that I would risk jeopardising the love and respect of those I love. I have this thought in my mind every time I sit down to write it. I keep going for a bigger purpose so that in time the inner yearnings of many people will come alive so that the words in this blog will be more than words, they will be a direct reference point for their own experiences....
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