Saturday, 10 November 2007

A life about me......just doesn't work...

I went to my assisting agreement today kind of shaky. This week it has felt that the whole foundation of my being has been rocked. There is a possibility that I am not the person I thought I was. Everthing that I considered to be stable and enduring felt to be under attack and I felt quite bewildered. I woke up feeling uncertain and unsure of things that last week I felt certain and sure about. I was grateful to my Buddhist training and the concept of Anicca - or impermanence. It is one of the central concepts of Buddhism, this concept of impermanence. The others are the concept of universal suffering or Dukkha and then finally Anatta or no self. I was experiencing all 3 this morning. The foundations of the world of my identity i.e. who I was was being rocked so that I wouldn't cling to this notion that who I think I am is permanent and unchanging.

So kind of lost was I that I debated about ringing my manager for my agreement and explaining that I wasn't up to speaking with people about what they wanted to create in the world. But then I realised that what I could depend on in the midst of all this turmoil is my integrity. My thoughts and feelings might be all over the place but this has no effect on my word unless I let it. So it was that I found myself in plenty of time to do this agreement, my ego personality protesting violently that its efforts to convince me that I needed this time to vegetate and feel sorry for myself were not working.

To my immense relief I saw my manager sitting at his desk. This meant that I wouldn't have to talk to anyone else. He saw me and gave me a big smile. Before the beginning of every agreement volunteers have to say anything that might get in the way of them having a powerful phone conversation with someone. I told him all about the insight I had into how I found out that I kept making someone wrong while at the same time painting myself as the person who had done everything to heal the rift. I told him I felt sick when I saw what was really going on. But that I now was determined to take responsibility. I now realise that the reason why I haven't caused things to happen in the world is because I have refused to accept responsibility. If I won't accept responsibility for small things like pulling my weight, how on earth can I expect to be trusted with the responsibility to cause greater things. I can't. This is why up to now I have had major psychological miraculous shifts, but they haven't been reflected out there in the world. They haven't, because of my refusal to take responsibility.

I also spoke to my manager about the pros and cons of getting a diagnosis for Asperger's. I asked him if he had heard of it and he had vaguely. I explained that the suggestion had rocked my world even if I pretended that it hadn't. I told him how I am afraid that if a positive diagnosis comes back that I will use it as yet another reason not to take responsibility for my life or what I create in the world. He didn't agree with my last point. He said 'when you understand what' so and accept it, then you can be responsible knowing the strengths and limitations and be powerful within those'. He didn't flinch or alter how he was with me. This was also my fear that a diagnosis of being 'somewhere' on the autistic spectrum will change how people view me. Again, this blooming concern with looking good. There was something in what he said in 'understanding what's so' and being powerful and responsible within a context of acceptance of what's so that appealed. It didn't lessen the confusion and uncertainty but something shifted. I find it hard to explain just what that was.

I settled down to make my phone-calls. After a few minutes he came over quietly to where I was on the phone and left half a bar of chocolate (with rum!) in front of me. That small and totally unexpected gesture so moved me and I immediately felt my heart expand with life and gratitude for the message I got through my manager from the universe. I know that in the midst of all this turmoil that the one thing I can rely on is my integrity to do what I said I would do no matter what. If I can't there is nothing wrong if I then communicate to the person that I won't be able to keep my word.

I don't know if it was the sudden sugar rush but the next phone call I made so was so different. I forgot about me and started to really be with this woman as I spoke to her about registering for another seminar that is starting in January. At one point in the conversation there was a shift on my part of it being just another person to speak to about this and perhaps they will register to me saying 'no I am going to be a stand that this person registers'. She told me about how upsetting she was finding the behaviour of her partner and wished to find a way to transform it. I know the power of the technology offered by this education and in those moments I took a stand for her and for her registering because of what I know she will achieve. Suddenly I was more direct, honest, totally there for her and what she could achieve and I totally forgot about me. My joy when I finally said 'are you going to register with me for this seminar to get what you see is possible for you from do it and she said just as directly 'yes'.

With this 'yes' didn't come great elation on my part. Just a quiet 'I took a stand for this woman and in taking that stand I also took responsibility for what I said to her' It was this combination of being responsible and taking a stand that resulted in me creating the possibility for her to transform her relationship by coming to the seminar. I see now what I can create when I take on being responsible. Up to now I have been a stand without the responsibility. This is why I have only been able to create small. Being a stand is just words, taking on responsibility and saying 'this shall be' - is where the power lies.

My manager was thrilled with the registration. But I know that this agreement is not about me phoning people to inspire them to register it is about me pushing myself beyond my boundaries to see what I can create. It is to show that the greatest happiness and joy comes when we forget about ourselves and go out to another. This is because at the most fundamental philosophical level there is no separation between me and another. What I do with sincerity and love for another I do for me. The difference when you do it solely for yourself is that it comes from the ego personality. This projects and increases the sense of separation whereas spirit extends and includes. So there will never be the same satisfaction if you help or show kindness to another if there is something in it for you. This will never have the same level of power. It can't because it is operating from a structure that is not real.

I finished my agreement tired but also very happy. One woman had given a commitment to transform an area of her life that wasn't working and I had caused that by being responsible and taking a stand. I want to say a bit more about being responsible because it can feel somewhat counter-intuitive. How can I take responsibility for the decisions someone else makes. The Truth is that it will always be the way that I am being when I am with someone that will determine whether or not they take up this journey of identifying the layers of 'human' and revealing the spiritual. It all hinges on who I am being.

I had a quiet night when I came home. Sat for a couple of hours in silence just being with the uncertainty that is still here. I called my brother because I wanted to share with him how I haven't been taking responsibility and how I will from now on but the phone rang and rang. I felt disappointment that I couldn't do this because it was something that I feel scared of doing even though it is totally the right thing to let him know that I have the impact of him having a sister who has taken no responsibility for anything over the years. What a burden that must have been on him. This is what I was so upset about on Thursday night.

I'm not sure how this blog is going to go during this next week. A level of certainty I had about myself and my life has gone and so there is a hesitancy about my views. This is likely to result in me being less forthright. For a couple of days I might just take a few sentences from a spiritual book and expand on those because it is parts 2 and 3 of the journey from human to spiritual i.e. know THE SELF, and know THE ONE that are more important than peeling off the layers of illusion and delusion what Buddhists call Maya that characterise the first stage - know THY SELF....

I can't help feeling that everything that has been revealed to me this week is the result of lighting a candle in a church asking that EVERYTHING that has been hidden from my view be revealed. I didn't realise it would be this relentless. It's the last time you'll find me in a church lighting a candle for such a wish......whatever was wrong with blissful ignorance! I write this somewhat flippantly but the feeling of being overwhelmed and wanting to take a step back is real. However one thing I know about this path is that there is no back. I look back down to the steps of the ladder by which I have climbed this far....they are gone.. This is why Gandhi said 'do not approach the spiritual path if you are afraid......

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